Summer is just around the corner and collegiettes all over the nation are scrambling to submit their resumes for the internships/jobs of their dreams. Or, you know, for internships that are hiring and at least slightly related to their majors. So it’s time to wow those potential employers. What’s our first step, friends? Why, it’s checking on that resume, of course!
Some of you are getting summer jobs or internships because you really want the important experience. Others are doing it for other reasons. Like, maybe because your parents are all “Get a job!” and you’re like “SURE THING, PARENTS. FINE. THAT SHOULD BE EASY AS PIE.”
Either way, the moment comes where you accept that you have a lot work to do to secure a position, and you begin to get cracking on that resume. This probably involves opening a file that has sat untouched in your documents folder since the previous summer.
As you try to think of ten different ways to say “I’m driven, passionate, and hardworking,” you briefly consider what would happen if you were just unflinchingly honest in your job-hunting attempts. Odds are, during this process, you have had/will have 5 or more of the following thoughts flash through your mind.
1. “Help me, I’m poor.”
Really, I’m not joking. I paid for a slice of pizza yesterday in nickels and dimes. I need this.
2. “All of my friends already have internships/jobs, I need to not look like the underachiever of the group.”
When you say “the deadline was two weeks ago,” what do you mean, exactly…?
3. “I’m in so much debt for my college education that the ‘unpaid’ part of this internship makes me want to cry, but being unemployed isn’t the better option. So yeah, I’m applying for this position regardless of the lack of pay.”
You may not be paying me, but I will steal all the Trader Joe’s snacks that are in the office every day and blame it on the quietest co-worker there. Times are tough and food is expensive, okay?
4. “I know I’m not super qualified for this office position… but I do know how to turn on a computer and use Microsoft Word, so that’s kind of like being extremely proficient in Excel.”
I promise to google “How to learn to use Excel ASAP help” the second you give me the position.
5. “I’m right for this (OMG paid) internship in literally every way! Your company need someone to do all the menial tasks nobody else wants to do, and I need to someone to help me afford groceries that aren’t solely off-brand ramen cups.”
6. “Writing this resume made me realize I have no real-world skills at all.”
Skills…hmmm. Uh. Well. That’s a strong word. Can I write down that I’m really good at drinking wine and pretending that I can identify its different flavor notes or whatever? Because I am, and it’s undeniably a cooler skill than making spreadsheets.
7. “Honestly, the only thing keeping me from lying about my level of experience is how easily you can fact check things on the internet.”
It’s a cut-throat job market out there, and it occurs to everyone at the point of desperation that perhaps stretching the truth just a tinnnnnny itty bitty little bit isn’t exactly lying…but then the existence of the internet and its ability to provide employment history at the click of a button brings your soul back to ethical purity once again. Ah, what would we do without the web?
8. “I am so tired of talking about myself and will take roughly a million internet breaks before finishing this resume. How do people do this?”
How is it that everyone else has their lives together 100000 percent more than I do? Did I miss the life course about how to focus on my work instead of browsing Jezebel? Will I ever stop procrastinating? HOW DO REAL ADULTS DO THIS?
9. “I know how to ask for a baguette in French with only a few instances of stuttering, does this mean I can put myself down as having a “working proficiency” skill level?”
I can say “Where is the red wine?” and “May I have some more, please?” so I’m practically bilingual. What are the chances that I’ll ever need to use it? Alternatively, that’s what translation apps are for. It’s fine.
10. “I’m aware that you’re probably going to throw my resume into the trash without looking at it, but what the hell, I might as well go for it. At this point in my college career I’m numb to the burn of rejection and disappointment anyway. ”
Hey, it’s all good! I didn’t want your silly job opening anyway. I wanted to spend my summer lying on the couch being lectured by my parents about my laziness. No, I’m not crying, I just got a piece of your printed rejection e-mail in my eye. No big deal. Really. Sorry, could I have a moment?
You’ve had these thoughts. You wrote the resume anyway. You’re fabulous and skilled, now all there is left to do is sit back, watch some Netflix, and wait for an interview, which you’re totally going to get! You’ve got this, don’t even worry about it.