For years, I have struggled with my inner thoughts. I was always told growing up that it was me who was in control of them, but despite this, I felt I wasn’t at all in control. Sometimes I felt completely out of control with my constant over-thinking coupled by my low self-esteem.
You don’t know me as the depressed girl, the insecure girl, or the one that won’t come out of the house because she is too anxious. You know me as your happy daughter, cousin, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend, etc. Yes I am happy, I can be extremely happy, but not all of the time.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “No, but you’ve always seemed so positive,” or “You let things roll off your shoulders so easily,” but the truth is, I haven’t. Being positive for me is more than getting out of bed and saying, “I’m going to be happy today,” ten times in the mirror, and then doing it. It’s physically making myself get out of bed and push through the day no matter what I feel and being strong regardless of how weak I feel like being. If I could choose to be happy, I would make that very choice every single day but that is not how it works for me. It may be a switch in some people’s brains, but I can’t. My happiness is an unpredictable surprise each morning. Sometimes I wake up feeling good and sometimes I don’t.
Now you’re probably thinking, “why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Simply put, I was ashamed. I was ashamed of the inability to control my brain and my mood swings. I was ashamed of needing someone to talk to and being too afraid to make that happen. I was ashamed of what my family would think when they found out I went to therapy, when they found out that I’d been diagnosed with both depression and anxiety, and most importantly I was ashamed of what they would say after I told them I didn’t need a therapist to tell me that because I already knew and I have known for years.
Being afraid of what people think is constant when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain telling you that there is something wrong with you. You are not normal, you have to work harder than others to be happy sometimes. You like to stay busy and occupy your mind some days, and you like to be completely alone and away from the world on others.
For so long I was ashamed of who I am and how I feel. I kept my feelings bottled up and hidden from everyone but myself, because it was just easier to come off as fine and not disappoint anyone. But I realize the only person I am disappointing by hiding my feelings is myself, so I won’t do it anymore. I am not ashamed, and I am getting better because of it.
No, all of my happiness has not been an act, I promise. Just because I have a mental illness does not mean I’m suffering. It impacts my life, yes, but it does not rule my life.
I am not ashamed of who I am or what I feel anymore. I am constantly working on bettering myself, on changing myself, and on loving myself for who I truly am. I am working through things I never thought I’d need to work through, and I am starting to accept myself the way I am. I’m realizing that it is okay to need help, and I’m realizing that everyone needs it at some point in their lives. No one should ever feel ashamed for asking for help. If you need help, please please please ask for it. Tell someone! Get the help you need. Get the help you deserve. You will thank yourself.