Veronica Ruckh, writing for Total Sorority Move, has sparked discussion after identifying a place between rape and consensual sex- a grey area in which a lot of women have found themselves at one point in their life.
Veronica had sex with someone she didn’t want to “before (she) had chance to decide.” Writing about an experience with her friend Matt, she says “I was excited…another part of me felt that this was wrong…wrong as in not right, wrong as in uncomfortable.” It was something that happened without violence and without force. Yet her story highlights how consent is a word that has to be discussed, literally. A mere presence in another person’s bed does not and cannot equal consent, and rape doesn’t have to be as terrifying as we are presented with on screen- rape happens. A lot.
With the absurd practise of victim-shaming, rape has become something no one wants to admit to. No one wants to feel the power it takes away from you. It’s a big word, yet these ‘less rapey’ situations still need to acknowledge its name in some form. The media and film portray rape in a pretty unanimous way- violent and aggressive, which is, horrifically, something people do experience. However, it leaves women in situations such as Veronica’s feeling lost. Instead “we don’t feel entirely violated…it doesn’t affect us forever”, she writes. Instead of the lasting psychological effects of how we traditionally view rape, these scenarios leave women unhappy, disappointed, and momentarily uncomfortable- emotions that fade. But why should this happen? Why are we not saying that simple little word- ‘No’?
She admits, “It was easier to just do it. Besides, we were already in bed, and this is what people in bed do. I felt an obligation, a duty to go through with it.” Upon reflection, she realises that this was wrong. “By refusing to acknowledge the existence of these rape-ish situations, we’re continuing to subject ourselves to them indefinitely”- we should already know that rape doesn’t always equal a violent situation, but we also must learn that rape is even more basic than that.
Veronica writes that what happened didn’t “feel” like rape. But rape is not a feeling- rape is the lack of two lots of consent; not a half yes or feeling 70% consensual. Unless a woman, or a man, is completely comfortable with the situation, it is to be classed a rape. Many young women have yet to learn this. They don’t want to seem prude. They don’t want to have lead him on. They don’t want to hurt his feelings. They don’t want to be dramatic. But the ‘get it over and done with’ attitude can surely be nothing but harmful?
This is a defence mechanism. Society should be teaching not to rape, not ‘don’t get raped.’ However, for now, we should not compromise ourselves. Whilst it might not be scary, it might be uncomfortable. Whilst you might not mind it, you might not want it. This grey area scenario has the potential to arise in any scenario- with a one night stand, the guy you hooked up with three nights in a row, or even your partner. Prioritising ourselves, our wants, dignity and desires in these scenarios is essential.
Rape needs redefining. “There is not a word for my experience”, Veronica writes. “The fact that there’s not a word for it makes us feel like it doesn’t exist.”
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