If you are anything like me you have those TV shows where the characters feel so real that you almost consider them your friends. Every Monday night I spend a half hour with Ted, Robin, Barney, Marshall and Lilly in MacLaren’s Pub (Seriously…they barely ever go to work) or on the Streets of New York. I laugh, I cry and not so secretly hope that my post collegiette life will be exactly like theirs. While the characters on the show may not actually be real many of the life lessons they learn are. Here is the top 8 that I think many collegiettes can relate to.
1)Nothing good ever happens after 2 AM
When Robin invited Ted over in the wee booty call hours of the night, nothing good came of it. This will always be true. So look at your life and look at your choices before you send that text message or leave the party with a guy whose name you don’t remember. Just go to sleep… in your own bed.
2)You Will Eventually Either Be On the Hook Or Have Someone on the Hook.
The hook refers to being overly infatuated with another person. The person being desired either takes little notice or takes advantage of the person who is on the hook. Ted finds himself always on this chick Tiffany’s hook. He rubs her feet, has cuddle time and even shares chocolate cake (that he baked). Maybe this sounds familiar. Maybe you are guilty of harmlessly flirting with that boy in your English class who is always a bit too eager to study with you. Maybe you’ve been the one hopelessly baking cookies for a guy who only answers your texts every 3 weeks. Either way, Hookee or Hooker, the situation is not fun for anyone and it may be time to evaluate.
3)The Vicky Mendoza Hot/Crazy Scale.
This refers to Barney’s theory that a girl is allowed to be crazy if she is as equally hot. This should also include boys but maybe replace crazywith douchebag or just general stupidity. Anyway, no matter how ridiculously good looking a potential love interest may be, if it outweighs the level of how good their personality is, then it is time to move on. That is, unless they look like Ryan Gosling but let’s be real, he is not crazy or a douche and is perfect specimen.
4)The Platinum Rule embodies the classic “Don’t poop where you eat.”
Or as the gang puts it “Never ever love thy neighbor.” Barney says you should never date someone who you have to see on a regular basis because, if you break up, there will be never ending suffering. It is outlined in 8 steps: Attraction, bargaining, submission, perks, the tipping point, purgatory, confrontation and fallout. At first hooking up with that guy that lives across the hall or is a fellow intern at the workplace may seem convenient but things can go from good to awkward in less time than it took for Kanye to interrupt Taylor Swift’s speech at the VMAs (I’m STILL really upset about that). It may be better to look for love in other places.
5)The “Three Day Rule” is Bogus
After Ted gets the number of a girl at a bar, he wants to call her immediately, but Barney nixes the idea stating the “Three Day Rule”. He proclaims it goes back as far as Jesus, who waited three Days before he was resurrected. I call this rule bogus. If a guy or girl really likes someone, there shouldn’t have to be any games. However, this doesn’t mean anyone should come on too strong (ahem showing him your Dream Wedding pinterest board on date one) but a phone call or, more likely since we are college kids, a text message should be okay. It shows said person that you are interested and there are no games about it. Ted also tells his kids that he didn’t wait three days when he met their mother. Point proven.
6)A lot of things that you are supposed to love, like parades, New Years Eve or clubs, you actually end up hating
Let’s be real, the hype and expectation of things often is way higher than the reality. Night clubs may have seemed alluring and fabulous when you were a underaged tween, but now it is clear that they are filled with a lot of sweaty bodies and boys thrusting their pelvic regions way too close for comfort. And New Years Eve is rarely a magical night where you get stuck in an elevator with your hot neighbor, reveal your deepest thoughts, sing lead onstage in Times Square and then make-out with said neighbor (I’m looking at you Lea Michelle and Ashton Kutcher in New Year’s Eve). Or maybe you live a much more fabulous live than me and this is a total possibility.
7)The Murtaugh refers to the classic Lethal Weapons series line: “I’m too old for this stuff”
Ted composes a list of things that he think he and the gang are too old to do anymore. As we grow as collegiettes, there too are some things that we maybe should retire. It may have been fine to be that sloppy girl freshman year when you could use the “I didn’t know any better” excuse. Or maybe you made it a habit of continuously hooking up with Bros who don’t seem to remember your number unless it is after 12 AM. Sometimes we gotta use the line “I’m too old for this stuff” so we can then mature into classy ladies who you know, recycle and make other good life choices. A more realistic depition of New Year's Eve,though, is a girl crying in the bathrom because her friend got white girl wasted and spilled Andre all over the sparkly dress. No Ashton Kitchers in sight !
8)Sometimes you need to enlist the Sexless Innkeeper
Ted thinks he is attracting the ladies but they always end up spending the night and leaving the next morning without having sex. Barney then refers to him as the Sexless Innkeeper. He wonderfully recalls in a poem a time when he was stranded in Queens and went home with a woman who resembles Honey Boo Boo’s mother for a place to stay then pretended to be asleep to avoid sex. In my time as a colligiette there have been cold nights where I’ve been up on Mission Hill, pondering the walk back home and hating my life. If a bed was offered to me, I have delightfully accepted, repaying my Innkeeper with only some good old fashion spooning before sleep time. If that is wrong, I don’t want to be right.