1. The “I’m So Much Better Than You” Friend
We all know and hate this Facebook friend. They’re the ones who likes to make statuses about all of the exciting things happening in their life and about how “thankful” they are for having the best friends in the world. This person also muploads (mobile uploads) selfie pics like it’s their job and changes their profile picture more than Kim Zolciak changes wigs. Facebook isn’t a competition, so there’s no need to try to one-up everyone, nor does anyone actually believe that you’re better than them just because you went to Miami for spring break. Also tied into this category are the girls who post profile pictures with captions like “I look so gross in this picture, but whatever”. We all know you don’t actually think you look gross in this picture. If you did, you wouldn’t have made it your profile picture. It’s pretty obvious that you’re just looking for someone to compliment you and tell you how pretty you are, but I sure as hell won’t be that person because #youretackyandIhateyou.
2. The Quote Poster
This person likes to make their status song lyrics and jokes from a movie everyone has already seen. The best – and by best I mean worst – are the guys who like to post lyrics from a rap song as their status. Oh really sir, you ball so hard mothaf*ckas wanna fine you? Because I’m pretty sure your mother still does your laundry and that you have “Party in the USA” on your iPod. Also included is the person who posts a joke as their status and then takes the credit for it like they came up with it themselves. If I can google your joke and a website called, “Funny Jokes” comes up, then you know you probably aren’t actually funny. Besides, plagiarism isn’t cute.
3. The Person Who Hates The World and Everyone in It
Perhaps the funniest status poster is the one who writes things like, “If u have a problem with me. Tell ME. Stop telling everyone around me. Because the longer u keep this up, the more I am gonna wanna kick ur ass!” Could you be any more vague about whom you’re talking about? If you’re going to call a person out on something, at least do it properly (besides, telling someone off without saying the person’s name is like telling someone you have a secret you want to tell them but can’t – it’s just cruel) The even better version of this is the person who says, “I hate everyone. Don’t text.” Thanks for telling me not to text you, I really would have texted you anyways.. Not.
4. The Attention Seeker
With the invention of social media, people now think that they can be experts on anything or that other people actually care about what they think. There’s nothing worse than wannabe, unqualified political analysts who make statuses about controversial issues just to get attention. What’s even more frustrating is that usually these people have little data backing up their claims, and when people call them out on it, they’ll generally comment back, “I don’t need to explain myself to you.” Ok, then why did you make a status in the first place then?! Girl, you ain’t Clarissa Explains It All. If you have opinions, great, but when your opinions claim to be fact, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
5. The TMI Person
We all have the Facebook friend who likes to update us on the most intimate details of their lives. As in the person who makes a status like, “So sick, throwing up everywhere” or “RIP Mittens, you were the best goldfish ever.” First off, Mittens is a name for a cat, not a goldfish. Second, not to be that guy but your fish is dead so it’s not going to see your status. And even if it were alive, it’s not like fish can read. (or CAN THEY?!) If you’re looking for pity you should just probably realize it’s a goldfish – you can buy another one for like two dollars at Petco. So really, the only thing your status has successfully accomplished is make me uncomfortable. And with regards to the vomit status, just know that I really did not ask to hear that information and that my life is in no way better knowing that you’re throwing up into a toilet.
6. The Pet Peeve Poster
Now we all have a Facebook friend pet peeve. It could be the guy who is always updating statuses about sports, or the person who uses Facebook as a platform to promote themselves and all of the dumb activities going on in their life (no one cares about your bake sale). For me, that friend is the pregnant teen mom. Now I’m not here to judge because I think it takes an incredibly strong women to be able to raise a child as a young adult. I also have not had this run in with most of my pregnant Facebook friends, but there have been enough instances of this to make me want to pull my hair out. For the love of Jamie Lynn Spears, do not pull a Jenelle Evans and bash your baby daddy on Facebook, or any of your family members for that matter, it’s none of our business. Also, please don’t dress up your baby bump or take selfies to show how big your boobs have gotten – it’s terrifying. Please think carefully about what you are planning on naming your baby because that poor child will have to live with that name forever. So don’t name it Renesmee (Note to Stephanie Myer: why didn’t you just have Bella name the baby Renee Esme? At least that’s a REAL name) Or Bear Blu; clearly Alicia Silverstone was clueless as to what is appropriate for a baby name.
7. The Twitter-er
We all know this person; the one who feels the need to inform us about every useless detail of their day. Like that person who feels the need to tell us they are doing homework, or that they are eating cereal. I mean I get it, Frosted Flakes are Grr-eat but that doesn’t mean that they deserve to be mentioned in a status. Also do you really think the whole, “It’s snowing out” status is necessary? Because last time I checked I have a window too. This is Facebook, not Twitter, so try to contain yourself.
What my fellow HC Northeastern staffers had to say about their Facebook pet peeves:
Claudia Frau: The one who asks you to “like”their pictures/ statuses
Julie Dumas: The small group of friends that use Facebook to publicly display their love for each other and only each other
Savannah Reiff: the one who constantly plays Facebook games so you have to keep blocking every possible game from showing up in your newsfeed
Colleen McCarthy: the person who has entire albums dedicated to selfies
For more heinous status updates check out lamebook.com
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