As a lesbian-identified woman, I have personally experienced as well as heard stories of the most shocking, disrespectful and overall ignorant questions about or regarding lesbians. Whether it’s a disgustingly patriarchal question, an uncomfortably specific personal question or an I-can’t-believe-you-just-asked-me-this question, lesbians are faced with a whole-lotta crazy.
With that, here is a compilation of the most jaw-dropping, LOL-worthy and overall irritating questions that I have come across in my experience. Whether you are a fellow lesbian shaking your head in agreement with me or a cis-gendered, straight male getting a huge sexuality and gender lesson, take from this everything that you can. This listicle exists for a reason: These questions are harmful, disrespectful or unacceptable in one way or another. Let’s work together to eliminate them.
***Disclaimer*** These questions and answers are based solely on my experiences and my experiences only. Keeping that in mind, I have my own biases, my own understanding of oppression and my own knowledge of the queer community. These thoughts and opinions do not reflect those of the lesbian community at large; they are my interpretations of the community.
1. How do you have sex?
If you’re a lesbian reading this, I know you’re chuckling to yourself. We’ve all heard this one. Honestly, it’s probably the most common lesbian question in the book. Upon meeting new people, the sex question probably falls within the first five conversations of the night. I get it, you’re curious; but it’s really not that complex, I promise. We do exactly what you think we do. When you’re meeting two lesbians for the first time, please remember that we view our sex lives as something private – just like non-lesbians do.
2. Which one is the real mom?
This is one of the worst, if not the worst of the questions that you could ever ask two lesbians with a family. This is comparable to asking straight, adoptive parents who their child’s real mother is. You would never do that. While one parent may carry the child and be the biological mother, both moms view themselves as the real mom, because they are! Both mothers raise the child, provide for the child and love the child unconditionally. It is extremely disrespectful to suggest otherwise.
3. Who is the man in the relationship?
Um, isn’t this one obvious? Neither woman in the relationship is “the man” – that’s kind of the point. A lesbian is (generally) a female attracted to other females; if she wanted to be in a relationship with a man, she would not identify as a lesbian! Some argue that because many femme-identifying lesbian women are in relationships with more masculine-presenting women, they must actually have heterosexual attraction. This can be confusing for outsiders, as they wonder why a woman would prefer to be with a masculine-presenting female, rather than a real man. With that said, remember that the point of all (okay, most) relationships is the individual. A lesbian, even if she is with a masculine-presenting woman, is attracted to the female mind, body and soul. Society determining what is “real” masculinity or “real” femininity is a social construct created by patriarchy. It does not speak to actual relationships or expressions of gender.
4. Have you tried being with a man?
Whether the answer to this question is a “yes” or a “no,” my instinct is to ask: Why does it matter? Some may argue that lesbians who have never been in relationships with men may actually like it, if they gave it a “try.” Contrary to popular belief, it has been determined that same-sex attraction is not a choice. Therefore, a women wouldn’t necessarily have to be with a man in order to know that she is attracted to women; as one reaches puberty and sexual maturation, one’s sexuality develops along with it. Not to mention, even if a woman previously experienced heterosexual relationships, it isn’t going to “fix” her attraction to females.
5. Who pays for dinner?
The answer to this question is simple, so don’t even bother asking it. Most generally, women take turns with the wallet, and that’s all there is to it. It’s a nice set-up, really, since all of the financial responsibility doesn’t rest on one person’s shoulders (Side note: Patriarchy!). Believe it or not, a woman doesn’t actually have to rely on a man’s paycheck to get by.
6. Why do you hate men?
Being a lesbian has absolutely nothing to do with the hatred of men. We just aren’t attracted to men on an intimate (or physical) level. This has nothing to do with disliking men as human beings. In fact, sometimes lesbians have many things in common with men, like their love for women, for example, or maybe even fashion. Many lesbians have several guy friends (myself included) that are members of the straight and gay communities. Lesbian women may dislike the social privileges inherently received by men, especially when men do not recognize their advantages, but this does not speak to specific male character. On another note, society often pegs feminists as men-haters as well, and many lesbians identify with feminism. Just like lesbianism, feminism has absolutely nothing to do with the hatred of men. The goal of feminism, for both straight and gay women, is sex and gender equality among women and men.
7. Aren’t you scared of going to Hell?
This question could be found offensive in so many different ways. Let’s start with the most obvious: When would any individual, female or male, gay or straight, find it appropriate to be asked about his or her afterlife? No one, religiously affiliated or not, would like to hear that they are going to Hell. This is especially offensive because, as lesbians, we do not think that we are doing anything wrong; some just don’t agree with who we love. Not to mention, this question assumes the existence of Hell (and therefore Heaven). I am not here to decide if there is a Hell, Heaven or both, but I do know that there are many individuals who do not believe in either. Assuming one’s religious identity is never a good idea; it could be disrespectful or make someone uncomfortable. Even if you know that a person has the same religious affiliation as you, their specific beliefs may not always be identical to yours.
8. Do you know (insert name here)? She’s gay too!
I know; you are attempting to be nice and accepting of my sexuality by bringing up another lesbian that you know. But, just like you don’t know every straight person in the world – or even in your hometown – there is no way that I would know every single gay person. Do not assume that we all know each other because our community is small; that is not the case. Plus, straight people hate being “hooked-up” with someone by friends and family; lesbians hate it too.
9. Are you afraid that your children will turn out gay?
Just like all straight parents create straight children, all gay parents create… wait. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? This argument against gay parenting is so incredibly false that it’s almost hard for me to hear. If it were valid, one would assume that growing up in a heterosexual household would reinforce a heterosexual lifestyle and create heterosexual children. If this were the case, where would we have ever gotten gay people? Gayness is inherent, as is straightness. Even if a child was raised in a gay family, it would not guarantee his or her sexuality one way or another.
10. Do you have any straight friends?
This question is basically equivalent to asking a White person if he or she has any Asian friends or even asking a man if he has any female friends. The answer is yes. Lesbians do not only associate with other lesbians. We have straight female and male friends, we have gay male friends, we have trans and asexual friends, and we have friends of different races, socioeconomic statuses and religions. Before you think to yourself: What would a lesbian have in common with a straight girl? Think to yourself: We are all human beings. We all take in oxygen. We coexist; we have things in common.