Coming out is an integral part of the LGBTQ experience. It is a process of disclosure and acceptance, both to oneself and to one’s family, friends and acquaintances. Sometimes called “coming out of the closet,” the term refers to a continuous period of openness, honesty and becoming one’s most authentic self. According to the Human Rights Campaign, most of us are raised to think of ourselves as fitting a certain mold. In other words, we learn preconceived ideas about our bodies, our gender and who we should fall in love with. This “mold” can be so rigid that a queer person feels forced to hide who they really are. In turn, when ready, an LGBTQ person must “come out” and disclose what they’ve been hiding for so long.
Coming out can be scary, but it can be rewarding too. Accepting oneself is always the first step and doing so can feel incredibly freeing. Whether it’s challenging, liberating, frightening or inspiring, coming out is a multi-faceted experience that all navigate in their own way.
Here is everything you need to know, as a queer person or an ally, about coming out:
Benefits and Risks
Just like most major decisions – where to attend college, when to have children or how to end a relationship – coming out offers its own unique benefits, and it also holds its fair share of risks. Together, these benefits and risks can be hard to predict, but are major determining factors when deciding when, where and how to come out. Sometimes, even the smallest details like location, day of the week and mood can affect the outcome of a coming out disclosure. Because coming out surfaces some of one’s toughest emotions, it can help to consider all of the potential benefits and risks to making such a huge decision. Of course, benefits and risks will vary from person to person, but here are some of the most frequently occurring ones:
The Benefits:
-
Living an open (and honest) life
-
Improving mental health that may have been affected by being closeted
-
Having the ability to develop potentially more successful and authentic relationships
-
Breaking down stereotypes that others may internalize about LGBTQ people
-
Connecting with the LGBTQ community at large
-
And others via HCR
The Risks:
-
Some family or friends may not be accepting
-
There is an increased threat of harassment
-
You may lose relationships that you enjoyed prior to coming out
-
Stress could affect your mental health
-
You could lose your job or be kicked out of your home
-
And others via HRC
Have a Plan
Coming out is a very personal process that leaves LGBTQ folks feeling vulnerable and sometimes afraid. If you are someone who wants to come out, take the reigns, and remember: you’re in charge. This is your story! Never allow someone to force you to come out, and do not come out if you are not ready to face the possible implications of your decision. With that said, there is value in having a plan-of-action, before you act on impulse. The HRC offers some helpful questions for consideration, when planning to come out:
- What kind of signals are you getting?
- Are you well informed about LGBTQ issues?
- Do you know what it is you want to say?
- Do you have support?
- Is this a good time?
- Can you be patient?
Considering these six questions can help to devise a plan that works for all who are involved. In addition, if planning to come out, consider timing and location. Would you prefer a public space or a more intimate one? Do you want to come out before graduation or after you get a job? Each factor is important when considering a coming out plan.
It’s a Process
Coming out is an on-going, often tiring, process that doesn’t end after one disclosure. It begins in a substantial way, usually coming out to friends and then parents or other family. However, this process is continuous for the rest of an LGBTQ person’s life, as they will continue to encounter new people that they must disclose to. The HRC describes this process in three distinct categories: opening up to yourself, coming out and living openly. Throughout these processes, it is important to remember that coming out occurs in layers. It is possible for someone to identify as “out to friends” or “partially out.” In these situations, it is often that a LGBTQ person was not yet comfortable with coming out to one group, but they were comfortable with another. This is okay! Coming out can take time. According to the HCR, the three coming out categories might include some of the following characteristics:
Opening Up to Yourself:
-
Asking yourself questions
-
Deciding how you identify
-
Making the decision to tell others
Coming Out:
-
Coming out to friends,
-
Then family,
-
Then coworkers and peers
Living Openly:
-
Coming out to new people who come into your life
-
Bringing your partner to family events and nights out with friends
-
Expressing your gender in the way that you feel most comfortable
So Many Ways to Feel
When coming out, it is important to remember that there are several ways that an LGBTQ person might be feeling. It isn’t any less right or wrong to feel feeling happy, sad, mad or glad. In fact, it’s expected that this experience is going to be different for everyone, as we all handle stress and emotions in different ways. It is also common for someone’s emotions to fluctuate, especially depending on their stage in the coming out process. Here are some emotions that the HRC predicts an LGBTQ person might be feeling throughout the coming out process:
In the Beginning:
-
Scared
-
Confused
-
Vulnerable
-
Uncertain
-
Brave
By the End:
-
Exhilarated
-
Empowered
-
Relieved
-
Proud
-
Affirmed
How to Offer Support
As a parent, friend or other ally to an LGBTQ person who has come out to you, finding the right words can be stressful. You want to be a support system for this person, but you are afraid of saying the wrong thing, calling at the wrong time or not being sensitive enough. Being an all-star support system can be tough, especially when you might be feeling emotional yourself. As a parent, sibling or close friend, it is normal to feel emotional, for a variety of reasons. The most important thing is that you are able to remain level-headed, supportive and loving, despite your emotions or possible reservations. As long as you are there for this person, you are doing your job as a support system. If at a loss for words or action, the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill and Belong To Resources offer a variety of suggestions on how to offer support:
How to Support Someone Who Comes Out to You:
-
Thank them for having the courage to come out to you
-
Refrain from passing judgement
-
Respect their confidentiality
-
Appropriately lighten the mood
-
Include your friend’s partner in plans
-
Do what you have always done together
-
Give them a hug
-
Ask appropriate questions
-
Respect their privacy
-
Tell them that you love them
Other Helpful Resources
If nothing else, always remember the HRC’s words of coming out wisdom:
“There is no right or wrong way to come out. It’s a lifelong process of being ever more open and true with yourself and others – done in your own way and in your own time.”
If you, or someone you know, has come out or plans to come out, consider checking out these other helpful resources: