“I never want to do that again…” Were those the first words I actually uttered after I lost my virginity? Yep. Oh wait, and let’s not forget the part where I buried my head in a pillow and cried.
Let me flash back to about, um, maybe fifteen minutes before. I was sitting with my boyfriend of a month and a half on a couch, in his basement. For us hooking up always came naturally. The whole kissing, taking it further stuff was a strong point in our relationship. Up until that night we did the dirty deed I had been pretty at ease.
So let’s get back to the good stuff.
Lying on the couch in his basement while his parents are upstairs, I mean let’s get serious we had no alone time. We had to make due!
So while watching the Boondock Saints (yes I lost my virginity to that movie, don’t judge), he whispered in my ear, “Wanna have sex?”
"OH YES, PLEASE!"
Those three words swept me off my feet... yeah, no. But I mean, how romantic was it going to get in a basement watching two Irish men kill people? We laid down on the couch next to each other. Was this really going to happen? And here it goes. “STOP!” I knew it was going to hurt, but seriously? Here goes the five longest minutes of my life.
When it's over I pull my bottoms back on (not to mention I still own the same pair of underwear three years later). Whelp, that was sufficiently awkward. While he probably was happy, I was throbbing with pain. At that moment I pushed my face into a pillow and cried. I think I gave my boyfriend an instant heart attack. He pulled me up from the pillow and wiped my tears away.
“We don’t need to do it again, I promise”. I felt so relieved. Not only was the physical pain sucky, so was this emotional load on my shoulders. It wasn’t like I expected my first time to be great or magical, but I had finally lost my last little bit of innocence. It was hard to grasp at the moment.
I remember the exact day, August 4th. I remember every piece of clothing I was wearing down to that special pair of underwear. For some of my friends losing their virginity meant getting it over with, or having everything perfect for that one moment. I think I was able to get the best of both worlds. I felt ready to lose my virginity, and at the same time it wasn’t a perfect moment, it was realistic.
You always hear people swear it gets better, give it time they say.
Well…it sure as hell does.