When life gives you lemons, throw them away,
go park your butt on the couch and watch some good ol’ American football.
As Socrates once said, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but watching football will give you high blood pressure and anger management issues.” That Socrates was a smart man and I could not agree with him more. With October having fallen quickly upon us, we now find ourselves in the midst of football season. Part of me is elated about this, while the other part of me is scared. Scared for the amount of fans who will be afflicted with heart attacks this season over lost games, the amount of TV’s that will be broken after a bad call by a ref, and the amount of extra cals that will be consumed by me thanks to Sunday night football parties (seriously guys, I told you to stop bringing queso dip if you’re going to be around me). Football season means many things. It means afternoon tailgating, drinking excessively, binge eating bratwursts, fantasy football, and cute quarterbacks in tiny spandex. So pretty much it’s like heaven in a nutshell without the angels and clouds made out of marshmallows. Being die hard Packers fans, football season is not something we take lightly at the Lawler household. My dad is from Green Bay and my grandparents currently live there so if you are ever looking to lose few limbs just try talking during a Packers game in my house. I once asked my dad which Packers player he would want me to date and he said “Any of them, ANY OF THEM MEGAN JUST PLEASE FIND A BOYFRIEND ALREADY”. Ha! I’m just kidding my dad is very supportive of my independent woman status. But really, even though I don’t know much about the actual game of football I do know that I love me some boys in Green and Gold.
Now Clay Matthews and Aaron Rodgers aren’t the only perks of football season, tailgating is also one of them. Whether it’s tailgating for an NFL game or tailgating in a college town, there really is no downside to it. If I were to sum up my dream tailgate in one word it would be: Wisconsin. There would be football (the Packers, preferably), there would be cheese (every kind, every kind of freakin’ cheese you can imagine, by the barrel full), there would be nice people (I’m convinced Wisconsin has the nicest people around), and there would be deer (like the animal…walking around grazing…just for fun). TELL ME YOU WOULDN’T WANT AN INVITE TO THAT TAILGATE AND I WILL CALL YOU A LIAR. It would basically be like my Quincinera all over again, minus the poofy dress and tiara. Actually scratch that, I would be wearing a tiara so I could be recognized as the queen of my tailgate. And my king would be Ron Swanson from Parks & Rec. With his passion for meat and his glorious mustache, he would be a key component to my successful tailgate. Another perk of football season is something that I have learned is called “Fantasy Football”. First, just to clarify for you all “Fantasy Football” is not a bunch of Ryan Renyolds look-alikes tossing around a football made of chocolate with their shirts off and their bodies covered in oil, which to me was what the word “FANTASY” would imply. According to my neighbors, Mitch and Josh, “Fantasy Football” is actually an online league where people can go, draft a pretend team of players and somehow get points and somehow someone wins. Not detailed enough for you? Too bad, I interviewed both those boys extensively on Fantasy Football for about an hour and that is all I got out of it. It just ended up being them having a conversation saying things like, “Fantasy is all about the match ups” and “the 49ers defense is looking hella tight this year” while I doodled pictures of sheep on my notepad. Note to self: next time when choosing a topic for your blog, try to have it be on something you are more knowledgeable on. Like PEOPLE magazine crossword puzzles. Or why Nickelback sucks so much. Or ways to avoid having to say hi to people on the walk to class, ANYTHING besides Fantasy Football.
But since I know you do need to draft a team of players and since I’ve already constructed my dream football tailgate, I figure I might as well construct my dream Fantasy team, as well.
So here it is, Lawler Baller’s official Fantasy Football Team:
Quarterback (the main player): Do you even have to ask? Beyonce, obviously. She can sing, she can dance, and she can act, so obviously she will be a great quarterback too. Even if her skills aren’t up to par she will blind the opposing team with her beauty and hot bod, so we’ll be fine.
Running back (the fast guy): The squirrel I named Enrique who lives in the tree outside my apartment. Because every time I race him through the LTH parking lot he beats me by like, a minute. Every damn time. I think he’s on ‘roids or something. Either way he will make a great addition to our team.
Tight end (according to my neighbors they need to be able to block, catch, run and be freakishly athletic): The only people I know who fit that description are myself (duh) and the “Yeahhh Buddyyy” guy off of YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29RhiNHMX74). His body literally looks like someone threw a bunch of potatoes into a trash bag and covered it in a tank top. His right bicep is the size of my head. I haven’t seen it done, but I assume if you give him a Webster’s Dictionary he will be able to rip it in half then probably eat it with his protein shake after. In other words, he will be the perfect tight end for my team. YEAHHH BUDDDYY.
Wide Receivers (the ones who catch the ball and run with it): Now this choice is a little out of the ordinary, but I’m gonna have to go with the Lucky Charms and Trix Yogurt guys. Why, you may ask? Because those guys have been outrunning young hooligans for the past 30 years and they still have yet to be caught. You know how hard those kids have been pursuing Lucky the Leperchan’s Lucky Charms? And you know how sneaky and agile the Trix Yogurt guy has had to be to keep getting that yogurt EVERY DAMN TIME? Now I’m trying to find a reason why the NFL hasn’t hunted these guys down and made them go pro yet! The other team won’t stand a chance against my secret weapons.
Offensive line (the ones who block and take people down): My starting lineup would be all the men who have ever played the role of James Bond because they’re all just super badass and stuff. My alternate would be the Duggar Mom from the show 19 Kids and Counting on TLC. If you think about it, that lady has NATRUALLY BIRTHED 19 KIDS. Once she started having kids, she had approximately one every year and a half after that. You know what I’ve done with the past year and a half of my life? I passed my first Communications class and choreographed a dance routine to the song “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen. THAT’S ABOUT IT. But I applaud her and I think they all would make excellent add-ons to my team. Well, looking at that lineup I’d say it’s pretty much stacked so it’s safe to say I got this whole “Fantasy Football” thing in the bag. Even if you are like me and still have to ask what a “match up” is, it’s okay; football can still be your thing. As long as you have an undying passion for grilling and the ability to day drink for an extended length of time, you too can enjoy the perks of this great American sport. Since I started this blog with a quote, I am going to end it with one too. So for all of my loyal followers to remember this football season, “It doesn’t matter if your team wins or loses, it matters that we get grandma to a hospital right away because she just got food poisoning from an undercooked hamburger” –my mom, tailgating at a Packers game circa 2009.
Stay crazy my loyal followers,
Lawler Baller