**Editors Note: much of this blog is fictional (i.e. it’s not really true. I swear on Beyonce’s weave) and I promise you, males of ISU, that I am not the second coming of Taylor Swift.
Laying Down the Law: Stay Single, San Diego
Sup guys. I’m back. After an extremely long blog-post hiatus, Laying Down the Law has come around for one last post before the school year is over (you’re welcome). Is this just me trying to procrastinate doing anything productive for finals? Am I only doing this so the people sitting behind me in the library think I might be typing some sort of school work? OKAY MAYBE MOM GEEZ LAY OFF. No matter what reasoning I have, cheers to one last Laying Down the Law before sweet summertime hits us. So what topic have I mustered up to write about today? A topic that I know all too well about – being single. That’s right, single girls, put yo hands in da air because this one is dedicated to you. Since you girls have to go through the pains of being alone on Valentines Day, having to buy yourself an extra Christmas present because you don’t have a boyfriend to, or spending a whole $15 dollars on sushi because there is no guy to take you on a date, I have decided to dedicate this one to you. I decided that you girls deserve something to read while you sit at home alone eating your homemade Buffalo Chicken Dip. How do I know you’re eating your own homemade Buffalo Chicken Dip? Because non-single girls are too busy getting frozen yogurt with their boyfriends or taking horse-drawn carriage rides with their boy-toys through Uptown Normal to be going on Pinterest to find recipes to make their own BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP, YOU IDIOTS! Being as my single girl swag has never been higher and I am desperately seeking a male companion, simply for the fact that I want someone to go golfing with, I’ve decided that eHarmony may inevitably be in my future. Am I proud of this fact? No. But the couples in their commercials just look so damn happy and WHO ARE YOU TO DENY ME OF THAT HAPPINESS?! I’m sorry. I feel like this blog has gotten off to an extremely hostile start. I apologize for that but I just finished reading the Delta Gamma Presidents letter to her sorority and I’m feeling extra aggressive because of it. Now where were we? Ahh yes, my quest to find a boyfriend.
First off, you should know that signing up for eHarmony was not my first option. Before I came to the conclusion that I may have to get my dating profile up and running, I went through many other tactics of trying to find myself a man-friend. For starters, I went ahead and convinced my dad to get me Claudaugh ring a few months back. For those of you who don’t know, a Clauduagh ring is an Irish ring you wear and if the heart on it faces outward, than that means you’re single, and if the heart faces inward, it means you are taken. Once my ring came in the mail, I persisted to wear it everywhere I went. I used my best efforts to try to highlight the fact that, YES BOYS, my heart is 100% facing outwards! But did the cute guy who works at Subway seem to notice? Well, I’m sure you can answer that question for yourself.
When I realized that this method was not working, I knew I had to take matters more seriously. So I spent the last week standing outside the local Big & Tall men’s clothing stores handing out boyfriend applications to anyone who walked in. Because if you know me, you know I’m 5’ 9” and I ain’t messin’ around with any boy who doesn’t hit AT LEAST 6’ 2” on the height measurement chart. After getting kicked out of the store by the manager, who said I was “heckling” the customers (or something along those lines I don’t know, whatever) I decided to step it up a notch. And this is where E-Harmony unfortunately became a relevant option in my life.
So when I started the rough draft for my first profile, I wanted to keep it simple. All I had was, “Megan has exactly three needs in a man: All he needs to be is tall, dark and hilarious.” That’s it. That’s all I had. I felt confident in this draft, feeling it would really lead me to my perfect man (fingers crossed it would be Jimmy Fallon). But after much deliberation with my roommates we decided it might need more…substance.
So I started with interests. Interests? Really E-Harmony? You want me to decide what “interests” I aspire for my future husband to have? I dunno, maybe uhhh…ME?! But I had to start somewhere so I put in “golfing, cooking, and playing guitar.” That sounded good, right? I was spending what felt like hours on this dang questionnaire when I finally began to feel defeated. “Is this really worth it?” I would think to myself. And the minute I decided to give up, I ventured on Facebook and found this. THIS VIDEO, The Extra Mile. This wonderfully amazing, awe inspiring, chivalrous child who has inspired hope in my heart and I’m sure the hearts of many other girls out there, as well. Simply put, this kid hits a straight-up home-run with this video. He covers the thoughts of pretty much every college woman, including myself. “The top two things they [college girls] look for are maturity and kindness.” YES, YOU GET IT YOU TINY LITTLE BUHDDA OF LOVE, YOU GET IT! He goes on to say key points like, “don’t forget to do the little things, like pulling out chairs and opening up doors” and “make George Clooney proud and be the knight in shining armor that every girl wants you to be.” While watching this video, it reminded me of something. Something that my father, the great Jeff Lawler, has been instilling on me my whole life. That is, to never settle. Not only that but that there is also no shame in being single. Yes, mah single ladies out there, read that last line again. There is no shame. Obviously, through all my past efforts at scoring a boyfriend the last few months, I had forgotten those key points. I was ready and willing to settle for any boy that looked my way when in reality, I should be taking lessons from not only my father but from Drake by saying, “I’m doing me.”
So I guess what I’m trying to tell you Buffalo-Chicken-Dip-eating-boyfriend-searching single ladies out there is be proud of your independence. Strut your single girls status with pride. I’ll go ahead and get off my soap-box for now and let Sex and the City do the talking. In the words of the most famous single lady herself, Miss Carrie Bradshaw, “Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty, sexy, and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.” BOOM.