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Laying Down the Law: The Chronicles of Taylor Swift

Posted Nov 26 2012 - 9:21pm

 

When life gives you lemons, 
make them break up with Taylor Swift so they can become famous.

Yep. You guessed it. This week’s blog is going to be about the one question on everyone’s mind right now: which Lean Cuisine you’re going to have for dinner tonight. No? That’s just me? Oh. Well the second question that’s on everyone’s mind, why Taylor Swift is a certified psychopath. Care to disagree with me? Then you might as well stop reading now. Or keep reading and realize why I am one hundred percent right about this.  She’s crazy. That’s it, end of story. Need proof? Well, for the sake of research for this blog post I mustered up enough courage to sit down and take a listen to some of the new songs off T-Swifts newest album, Red.

So this is how it went: I sat down, pulled me up a little YouTube-age on my computer and said “Let’s do this T-Swift” (my roommates were all like ‘who are you talking to?” and I was like “shut up guys I’m writing my blog”.) I then proceeded to somehow find a “Taylor Swift Red Album playlist”, guaranteed to be made by some prepubescent teen girl who picks her braces colors to match the current season. The first song began playing and I immediately started feeling bad for all of her ex-boyfriends. Poor guys just want to book it out of the relationship and she’s gotta go write songs about them that they know  five million teenage girls are going to sing along to in their bedrooms between episodes of Glee and Wizards of Waverly Place. The first song, Red, talked about Maserati’s and a bunch of colors and stuff. I don’t know I was eating pistachios at the time so I was pretty distracted. But the songs went on…and so did the sadness. I kid you not, the first lyrics of her song “Stay, Stay, Stay” are as follows:

“I’m pretty sure we almost broke up last night. I threw my phone across the room at you.”

Poetry. Pure poetry right there. Poetry straight from a girl who is screaming to be checked into an anger management course. And that title? Sounds like me when I’m telling my dog not to chase my 5-year-old neighbor when she’s riding her scooter down the street. I was only three songs in and already felt myself getting bored. So I turned on the Taylor Swift Pandora station and the first song to come on was the Jaws theme song. Kidding, but that would be a totally accurate way to portray her to boys. But I knew once the second song on her Pandora station was by Justin Beiber that this would not work out. So in effort to finish listening to her album, I Googled the track list and started listening to the songs in “Chipmunk” version. Now if you know me, you know I find Chipmunk versions of songs absolutely hilarious and if I had the time I would make every song in my iTunes a Chipmunk version. But anyways, I got through listening to one song, “We Are Never Getting Back Together”, in Chipmunk version until I had to stop because I was crying of laughter from those freaking hysterical little chipmunk voices.  Still though, the message of the song was received, she hates all living things that have an extra Y chromosome.

 Now to clarify, this blog is coming from a frustrated, annoyed and horrendously single girl who just wants an answer to the question: why do guys keep dating Taylor Swift when there are perfectly sane, single girls out there (like myself) who won’t go and publicly ridicule you in a Top 40 song if you if you break up with us? Honestly, have you SEEN her track record with men? What is she, 0-17? That’s gotta be a worse record than the Kansas City Chiefs have right now. I’m pretty sure she has had more unsuccessful relationships than the Bachelor/Bachelorette couples; God only knows how that’s possible. She goes through boyfriends like I go through ice cream cartons when discussing my love life yet these guys keep flocking to her like mosquitoes to a light bulb and I can’t understand why.

But I did want to give Taylor a fair chance, so I went back to iTunes and started listening to the rest of her album. While listening to it, something happened. Something that I already regret admitting and am in serious fear of publicly stating, but while listening to her songs I actually started to understand her. I think it happened towards the end of the album, somewhere between “I Almost Do” or “I Knew You Were Trouble." But somewhere in there I started to actually sympathize with her. I felt like I knew where she was coming from, like I could relate to her, and I got this weird sensation to go find every guy I’ve ever known in my life and give them a swift kick to the face (pun intended). I wasn’t exactly sure if that was normal or if that’s the reaction Taylor intended, but that was exactly what I felt. All of a sudden my feelings turned from “T-Swift is a one dramatic, stage-5 clinger who needs a prescription of Xanax ASAP” to “you’re so right Taylor! Screw boys and everything they’ve ever lived for. I’m gonna go pour myself a glass of wine, make my status some super deep Marilyn Monroe quote and throw darts at pictures of my ex boyfriend! Girl power!” I have to hand it to Taylor, if her goal was to promote the expansion of Feminism among girls ages 10 to 22 then she has succeeded greatly. I’m sure there is a future Susan B. Anthony out there getting her starting inspiration from “We Are Never Getting Back Together” and she has Taylor to thank. So now, even though I may have ended up finding a tad bit of enjoyment listening to these T-Swift songs don’t be mistaken: she still has years to come before she will ever be the female role model that Beyonce is. Because honestly, she will never EVER be as good as Beyonce. Like, ever.

 

Stay crazy my loyal followers,

Lawler Baller

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