Confessions of a Bad Flirt

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As a self-proclaimed awkward girl, my outgoing personality wrapped up in the shy façade of nerdhood, I’ve found myself involved in flirtations that have not always been ideal. Whether these stories are the consequences of taking the unconventional advice of friends or forging my own path to idocy, the following moments of my high school and college life will provide you with three ways to never, ever pursue a guy:

The Accidental Facebook “Add” While Stalking

Before proceeding, I’d like to offer you all a causal disclaimer: this strategy should only be used if you’re a complete moron. Of course, it might not have been quite as humiliating if the guy’s name hadn’t been as common as John Smith. Finding him took work; his current town, mutual friends, and pictures all had to equal the right target, and had I not been scrolling through Facebook on my phone while driving (bad example alert!), I might’ve noticed the fact that I hit, “Add Friend” during my not-so-slick stalk-fest. Now, fast-forward to twelve hours later, when I woke up to a friendly notification alerting me of my new friendship. Luckily, the guy who was on the other end of this had a pretty good sense of humor about it, but that doesn’t mean the following face-to-face conversation wasn’t horribly embarrassing. Oh, and to earn myself bad-liar bonus points, I obviously blamed my roommates for the “add”.

The Sloppy Party Make-Out, Complete with ZERO Warning

Sometimes you just can’t fight your feelings, and sometimes those feelings come with excessive slobber and shame. This next method seems to be my personal M.O. and, needless to say, it’s not for the faint of heart. Although it once resulted in a drunken rejection (no worries, drunk me wasn’t phased…on to the next one!), a subsequent trial actually left me in a full-on multi-month relationship (also mostly spent drunk). While that may sound like a good thing, any girl knows a love story never sounds as romantic when you and your man swap spit before you’ve ever said hello. This is the nothing-to-lose strategy and should only be used on those with whom you never, ever have another shot. Oh, and a heads up: engaging in this particular behavior could also be due cause for new nicknames like, “slut,” “make-out slut,” and other clever versions of the word, “slut”. Might as well embrace it. You’re only young and stupid once. Or, in my case, several times.

The Condom, Complete with Cheesy Sex Line, on His Car Windshield

Yeah. That happened. Slow down and soak yourself in the awkwardness: Christmas Break. The infamous handwritten, “let’s start the new year with a bang” note. And the condom from your friend’s wallet. All this under the windshield wiper of a guy you DON’T talk to in real life. To think this happened under the influence of nothing but slumber party giggles is pretty shameful. As expected via hindsight, this was not exactly the most effective pick-up I’ve ever tried, and certainly wasn’t my idea, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get me noticed. Not only did the guy freak out that I knew where he lived, but the ensuing text message from yours truly to a number he never gave me (girl’s gotta have her connections) was the cherry on top of a creepy courtship. Sure, I got a few sloppy make-outs out of it, but the use of a condom as parchment for a trashy love letter didn’t exactly give the guy ample warning that I was a very, very good girl. Only use this method if you’re a fan of false advertising (push-up bra required).


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