FratTwice: Giving Advice, One Girl at a Time

I'm so sorry for not seeing this until now. Once college acb turned into blipdar (and that went offline soon after ), I igured everyone forgot that I was still around.

If you by chance see this, and the situation is still upsetting you - write an update and I'll be here to tell you what I think.

If that is too private by this point, you can always send an email to the account that I have, that only I have seen. - frattwice@aol.com.

First, those situations you describe are absolutely hindering your chances of guys approaching you. Most guys probably assume one of them is your boyfriend, or hookup, so they likely don't spend much time paying attention to you for those reasons.

It's great that you like to go out with the guys, those kind of girls are the best, but you do need to take a night to go out with only a couple of girlfriends. - You'll see an immeadiate change in the way your night goes, especially if it's just you and 1-3 other girlfriends (if you're in a big group, of 8-10 girls, then that's pretty tough to crack too).

In no way does that mean you need to get new friends, but it won't hurt to change up your routine a bit. If you go out with the guys 2-3 times a week, then take 1 night to go out with some girls instead.

- In addition to that, you have to make sure to be aware of any guy's looking your way (when you're with your guy friends). If you catch a guy glancing your way, or posted up at a bar nearby, and you're the one insterested, don't be too shy. You can always approach a guy or smile his way first, and that will allow you take break away from the guys for a few minutes if you think the person you're interested in is also wanting to talk to you.

Guys love a girl that is having fun. So what you can also do is go out with the guys, but have a girlfriend with you too. Even if you have 4-5 guys with you, as long as you and your girl are clearly a team that night then that makes you more approachable too - as most guys will get the idea that you're probably not tied down.

Simple little things like that are a good starting point.

If you feel she’ll really go about it as she has in the past, go right to the source – the guy. Ask him out and playfully mention (if you go out on a date or something) how protective (her name) is of him. Hopefully he wouldn’t even bother to mention that conversation to the girl (as he has no reason to); so it cuts past everything and builds a nice fall-back if your friend does try something to cut you down.

You’re likely correct that she wants to be their BEST girl that’s a friend. So slowly bring him along with flirts and then ask him out (it’s been a few weeks since you posted this, and if things look okay, set up a little date). With the friend you just have to buy some time; get him to flirt more and establish that connection, but do it so that it doesn’t look so obvious to the friend, so that you can get that date with him or something of that sort before she feels compelled to do what you think she might in this situation.

Sorry I’ve been m.i.a., but I’ll be looking in daily now that Fall is getting closer.

I think the guy feels a bit embarrassed by the whole thing. Far more often than not, in a NSA relatonship, if one person falls for the other - it's usually the girl. This guy kind of let some feelings slip through the cracks, and out into the open; whether they were deep feelings, or just a light crush is something you'd be able to tell better than me - but his issue is that he let them slip first. For that, I think he feels a bit weakened in his own eyes, because you held up longer than him - so he might feel a bit lame by it, and that's why he backs away, to show that he still can keep this an NSA thing.

He very well may not have feelings for you that are all that meaningful, they must just be a result of being together and developing that little crush I mentioned. And it doesn't seem ike you actually got attached in any way; it sounds more like you were being polite out of the curiosity that stems from these things he was saying.

If he's pulling back, so what? - You'll get your NSA relationship back and it's no big deal...unless you actually are falling for him - in which case you should probably cut the whole thing off for a few weeks, or let him know how you feel. Are you feeling the same way that it seems he is?

Bascially, I think the kid is a bit embarrassed that he "sort of" fell first, so he's pulling back as a way, for himself, to show that he's strong enough to handle the NSA aspect of it. If he, or both of you are actually developing feelings for each other then it's going to come out into the open (fully) eventually. You should watch how he treats you when his pullback ends; if he seems like he wants to get closer, you have a decision to make - either cut everything off, or move towards the real deal. If he stays the way he is (pulling away) then it's not a big deal and you shouldn't dwell on it much longer.

If you continue to think about these things, you'll ony be drawn closer to him - which still puts you in the position where you need to either cut it off, or try and get closer.

You're kind of a fall-back girl. The girls he takes on date functions likely are easier than you, which is probably why he takes them, and if that doesn't work out that's when he texts you - he knows he can wind down and chill with you into the night. And something is better than nothing.

I don't think the current way things are will change much or at all, anytime soon.

A lot of this depends on how recently the friendship fell apart, and how long he has been with his girlfriend.

If this happened anytime within the last 3 months or so and his girlfriend entered his life soon after, then you need to stay away and let them be. Maybe in a few months, when he is settled in with whatever he is doing, you could ask him how he is doing - but not now.

If this happened closer to a year ago, then it's okay to let him know you want to be in touch - but this will not make his girlfriend happy at all, and it could cause some trust issues if she knows you two were at one point sexual partners. However, it's not your responsibility to make sure she's happy; if enough time has passed (in this case it would have), then you can send him a private message, or call him, or tell him when you see him - it seems what you want to say is very innocent, so if it's been some time since things went bad, nobody would fault you for speaking up.

Now, no, he probably wouldn't say much to you if he felt the same way, or even sort of the same way - for some of the reasons already gone over. In addition, his girlfriend is more his priority than you; she's his girl, so that's where his thoughts go; he doesn't spend as much time thinking about what went wrong with you, because he's got other things going on - for him. This shouldn't scare you off though, but that's how he likely is right now.

If he does still feel the same way, then he'll let you know - by saying so, or something of that sort. But you'll probably have to be the one to speak first.

What consequences could there possibly be? – He’s already not in your life at all, and has no idea how badly you miss just being able to say you’re his friend.

You guys didn’t have a romantic relationship, so however the friendship ended; it was on a different level. Since I doubt it was anything that couldn’t be forgiven, the two years that have passed have probably made him think the same thing at least a few times (how did we used to be so close yet now don’t even exist in each other’s daily life).

It’s never too late to try and get your friend back. There’s no harm in going for it, and even if it’s never the way it was before (which would be a huge expectation anyway), at least you’re giving yourself the chance to have him as a friend again – as it is now, you’re not even giving yourself that possibility.

You should absolutely go for it.

Small steps.

I know it can’t be easy, but you’ve got to let the past go (even more than you already have). What’s done is done, so try to start anew. Every new guy you meet is, obviously, new to you – so give them the chance. History tells you that you probably shouldn’t, but that hasn’t gotten you all that far away from what used to trouble you.

Instead of dreaming of being smitten, and that feeling, start to think of a different kind of intimacy, more on a friendly level. You don’t have to rush things; you’re in a sorority, so you meet plenty of guys (and yes, many are after one thing above the rest), so when you do meet guys or see guys around that you know, treat it as seeing a friend (a possible friend).

The best way to find a guy you know you can trust is to find a guy that trusts you with the things that he keeps guarded. To find that guy, you have to be friends with him – which is a very important step. When you’re talking to a guy, don’t be afraid to tell him something about yourself that’s not so deep it will spook him, but not shallow (not about the past, but about today) and then move on and enjoy the setting.

When we see a girl that we’re interested in (doesn’t matter what the interest is) we “plant seeds” so that the next time we see that girl, hopefully the seed has grown a little bit – some barely grow, but others grow very quickly. All it takes is spending a few minutes with a person when you see them, talk to them and that’s it. It makes it clear that you’re someone we’d enjoy seeing around, and the thought of being a “tease” doesn’t really exist, as the conversation should have been casual enough to avoid that.

You need to plant seeds of trust and friendship, and not worry about being smitten or opening up too quickly. Plant enough seeds and you’ll meet a guy that will blow off going out on a Fall Thursday night, and will instead sit by the pool with you, relax, and let you open up. And the rest will at the very least give you a wave and a kiss on the cheek when they see you around. Even the players have their friends that they will skip a night out for, and it seems that’s the kind of relationship you’d enjoy most of all – one where even if it isn’t romantic you know that you’re safe.

There’s no quick fix, so that’s why you have to go one small step by one small step.

 You absolutely should. What would stop you from doing so? – Rejection, right? Nobody wants to feel that, so if you want to see if it can work with you two, then go for it. The only thing that sucks worse than getting rejected in the first place is getting rejected by a girl that ends up liking you, yet never says anything. By not saying anything, you hurt yourself, and he probably still feels pretty down about it. You should definitely talk to him.

Just know, that if you hurt him pretty bad, that he may not be fully receptive right away, and that it might take a couple weeks before he lets himself feel a certain way about you again. If he just thought that you’re cute and wanted a date, then it’ll probably be an easier conversation.

Make sure that you don’t say anything like “I rejected you because…” or “I didn’t want to go out with you because...but I do now because” – keep it soft, like “I’m sorry for how I handled it, I was caught off guard.” As long as he knows that you want a shot with him, he’ll probably be more than happy to let it all go (remember, if he really liked you, then he could be somewhat bitter).

Talk to the kid. 

Basic reasons a guy will cheat: he has the option to do so and wasn’t all that serious/ready for a relationship in the first place, immature (doesn’t consider your feelings), gets tempted and honestly messes up, misunderstood what type of relationship you two had, and sometimes we’re just confused and there happens to be an outlet that gets us away from whatever is bothering us (as we get older, it happens).

Most often, at college age, guys can’t balance wanting to go out and live it up, with a girlfriend – which is why a lot of guys don’t settle into a relationship until their junior or senior year. By then, most of the crazier days are out of our system.

The guy you’re talking about sounds like he might have been cheated on in the past; there’s no reason to not trust your girlfriend unless she gives us 1) a reason not to trust her, or 2) another girl did it to us, and it weighs on our mind. Not saying that’s the rule, but it’s usually why a guy is like that, unless he’s a jealous person – regardless of being in a relationship.

It’s sweet that you want everything to be civil, but as long as he and his current girlfriend have “drama,” stay away from it; you will only get stressed out from trying to be civil with him right now. Sometimes you have to step outside who you are (contrary to what I told a girl in a previous post) when the situation dictates it. As long as you don’t consider him an enemy, then it’s good on your end, and there’s no need to press it.

You can’t make the kid grow up. If you truly want him to know that you’ve forgiven him (basically) – then you can work it into a chat with one of his best friends. They’ll tell him that you said something of that sort, it always goes like that.

Things are not going to ever be as smooth as they once were, you have to accept that. Invite the mutual friends to your place, go out with them, etc. (I’m sure you already do those things)  When he grows up a bit, you might get a chance to talk to him, and if you do, tell him how you feel: just want to be friendly again (don’t say “civil,” it sounds too rehearsed), and that, at least on your end, it makes you feel bad that things got to the point they did (no need to be specific, or assign blame). If he doesn’t loosen up from that, then he likely won’t, at any point.

When you see him around, a small smile or a friendly wave at him is fine. It’s polite, and that may draw him in to actually say something to you.

To reiterate: stay away from him and his girlfriend’s issues; be cordial when you see him around; if talking to his friends, mention there’s no you’d at least like to be friendly again; if by chance you talk to him – keep it simple and to the point.

If it’s worth the time and patience, then it may turn out the way you hope; if it never materializes, then learn how to deal with it as it being the way things are going to be from him (very possibly could stay that way).

 It really depends on the guy. Some guys see a girl that they are attracted to and want to start slow by getting to know her a bit, and seeing if things will progress by seeing her around more. Others aren’t interested in much more beyond shacking up for one night. At a place like Painted or Clydes, we’re not going out looking to find a girlfriend or anything like that, we’re going out to be with our friends and possibly see if there’s anyone attractive that may want to meet and then (guy's preference).

Every guy is different in what he looks at first though, some will watch a girls mouth move as she talks to him, admiring her lips (myself). Others pay more attention to her eyes, and some prefer an amazing body above all else. It’s all a matter of preference to that individual (and let’s be real here, it’s a college town, sometimes it just depends on how much he has had to drink). If we click with a girl right from the start, we’ll definitely think about her a bit the next day, but it’s college and as guys, most will go back out the next night and see who else there is to meet – hoping that “that” girl from last night will be there, but if she isn’t we’re fine being with our boys and seeing who else comes along (which then goes back to what each different guy has on his mind).

If a girl has a group of friends that all know the particular guy that has approached, it’s not a bad thing, and usually helps everyone to feel more comfortable. However, when a guy approaches, showing interest, yet doesn’t know anyone in your clique, it often makes it difficult to talk to just the one girl we find attractive – unless we have friends with us as well. That’s the main thing we'll try do to: make sure the girl is comfortable with her surroundings and then go for it (talk to her).

Basically, there are no hidden tricks out there. We know if we can be engaging, or funny, already know the girl, are good looking, or any number of other factors like that; then we know we’ll get a few minutes to talk to her. And there’s any number of things we could be thinking, as simple as: she’s cute I’d like to meet her; to, she’s a cute girl that’s with my group of friends, we haven’t met, so I'll go up to her with absolutely no intentions on our mind other than to see who she is.

If you’re cute, clearly enjoying your night, and seem open to meet someone new – someone is going to come up and say hi. That's basically what we're thinking about when we see someone that interestes us.

 I think you’re worrying a bit too much at the moment. Like you said, it’s all new to you, so it’s understandable that you’d be somewhat unsure of things. Right now, it sounds like you’re a bit scared of it all, and I think that’s all it is.

Take some time to yourself to think it through. From what you wrote, it just seems more in line with being confused and new to the whole experience, and I think you’ll see it the same way if you slow things down and don’t stress so much on potential outcomes. Also, think over the things that make you think he may like you; maybe that isn’t all that it seems either? – What does he seem to be doing differently that made you think that? (if he just seems nicer, then that sounds like you’re thinking too far into it)

When you have feelings for someone, you know it, but if you can’t even come up with a reason that doesn’t stem from a negative feeling, then it sounds like you’re just confused – it definitely doesn’t seem like you actually like him (scared/duped, as you put it). Since you say you’re comfortable around him, it’s probably a matter of that – you’re still a bit uncomfortable with everything, and being around a friend helps. I don’t think you like him “like that,” I think he’s just that comfort zone that you need right now – so maybe you overemphasize what you think about him?

So separate those two aspects of your life a little bit, and don’t let them cross you up. Date the boy you’re dating, enjoy the time with him, and see where that goes. Take the time to get to know him and see if he’s someone you could see yourself with on a deeper level. Meanwhile, continue to be friends with the other boy, but keep a casual eye out for if he seems to like you (make sure he really is doing something to make that point, don’t let little things seem like more than they are). If he’s “that” way with everyone, and it only seems like this or that, then don’t let it mess with the other part of your life. It’s obviously causing a lot of the discomfort for you, and it’s okay to slightly distance yourself from his affectionate demeanor since that sounds like the source of what is messing with you) – not in a rude way, but in a way that may show that you aren’t as comfortable with it now that you’re dating someone.  

The only way this will get complicated is if you overthink everything, and right now, I think that’s what most of your problem is. As it is, your friend hasn’t made a move on you, and you’re dating another guy. Be content with that and don’t overthink it. If things clearly start to change with the friend, I’m always around to lend an opinion.

Just keep your cool and do what you said you’d normally do: take it one day at a time. When you start acting outside of your usual self, you lose your way.