The unruly wilderness of frat row is sure to catch the eye of any collegiate adventurer. Many have explored the frat jungle, felt their safari pumps stick to the floor and breathed in the exotic scent of old Milwaukee. But before you plunge into the great unknown, it is useful to know what you’re up against. Here are the 5 most common guys you will meet at a frat party.
1. The Freshman
The Freshman is often found handing out drinks behind the counter. He also may be identified by embarrassing things written on his body in Sharpie. He may also be sleep deprived. He will probably be driving shuttles to Mags toward the end of the night, so be nice to the Freshman if you need a ride. But be careful not to remove the marbles from his pocket, because he will be prepared to protect them from predators.
2. The Creeper
No one knows who he is. No one knows where he came from. No one invited him. The Creeper is an invasive species and yet he somehow seems like he is in his natural habitat, preying on everything that moves within a 10-foot radius. Avoiding the creeper is key for survival in the greek jungle. The creeper can often be spotted sporting a fedora or lurking alone in corners.
3. The Hot Mess
Perhaps the easiest frat guy to track, the Hot Mess likes to stay close down to the terrain so can often be found on the floor. He also can be found covered in plastic wrap, sleeping on a table, sleeping under a table, or running around in a chicken costume. The Hot mess can be fun for a while, but since he is the wildest species you might lose him as he makes a trip to the bathroom or begins to wander out of the jungle.
4. The Wingman
The Wingman is the most difficult species of frat guy to spot because he is often quiet. Although he is never alone, he often flocks to corners and is adept in the art of camouflage. Once the wingman is tracked, however, you might be able to have a decent conversation if you get him to talk about himself.
5. The After-After Partier
This species is completely nocturnal. He can often be heard by his mating call “Maggies, anyone?” and occasionally “Let’s go to Noche.” The After-After Partier has incredible endurance that makes it difficult to stay with him throughout your safari. It is best to utilize this species after the Hot Mess collapses to get you back in the mood to explore the jungle.