I used to despise the Bachelor franchise. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise—you name it. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. Fighting for someone’s love and attention? No, thank you. I’d much rather watch Dance Moms for my competitive late night cravings. I mean, really, Abby Lee Miller’s screaming? How could one refuse? Give me a Monday night full of tutus, dramatic mothers and thought provoking dance routines and I’m in.
It wasn’t until I actually sat down and watched an episode that everything began to change. A lightbulb went off. My mindset switched faster than Blair Waldorf’s attitude toward someone in the Upper East Side. Ugh, what a queen. But anyway, Gossip Girl aside, I found myself completely hooked by the world existing within the Bachelor mansion. I was completely obsessed. The show was hilarious, yes, but the romance? Sign me up. I began watching all three shows soon after and was more than pleased: I was ready to be a contestant myself. Your calling may be to act on Broadway, direct a film or open up a bakery of sorts. But mine? After getting firmly established in an occupation—that certainly comes first—my fate is to be on The Bachelor. I’m not sure if this desire is exciting or flat out despicable, but it’s something, right? To further prove my thought process, I’ve decided to outline a few reasons why I’d make the perfect contestant. Here goes nothing.
1. I have a dazzling personality
Trust me, this personality shines more than all the stars on Hollywood Boulevard combined. It’s a lot (I’m a lot), but it’s certainly something to look out for on a weekly basis. I won’t give out too much, but I swear I’m great. Ten out of ten would recommend.
2. I like to travel
France, Italy, Egypt, Taiwan; I’d go to any of these places in a heartbeat. Heck, you wouldn’t even have to ask me to be excited when we’re told we’re leaving the mansion for a few days because I’d be more than ecstatic right away. Phew. What a time saver, am I right? I’d make the most of those abroad dates without a single complaint. I’m fine with flying, I can live out of a suitcase, I enjoy sightseeing; all that good stuff. Sure, maybe these are universal skills, but I consider them worth noting nonetheless. I’ve got my passport packed and ready to go already.
3. I’ll have a background in advertising
As a Marketing Communications major, I know what’s up. I understand that some things are scripted and I recognize the importance of posting certain things on social media, (aka I won’t ruin the fact that I win too early on Snapchat). Need me to feature a branded product in a shot for revenue? I hear the ringing of a cash register in the distance. I know what hashtags to use, what images to post to appeal to our audience, what statements to tweet to initiate drama. I’m all business now and I’ll be all business later. I can be a contestant and a marketing consultant at the same exact time. How convenient is that?
4. I can cry on command
Are you producers looking for a quick way to start drama? Bring me into the shot and we’re good to start rolling. I can cry easily and have a (slight) background in acting (that only lasted throughout high school). What’s more to love? I can sob, recite a monologue planned in advance, all that good stuff. I’m all yours. Bring on those tissues and you’ve got yourself a great clip to include within the preview of next week’s episode. I’m of great use to keep consumers on their toes and, might I add, I also have blue eyes. Maybe that’s completely irrelevant, but they really make that stereotypical “sad puppy dog look” even more compelling to look at.
5. I like to stay up really late
Let’s be real, Chris Harrison. That initial cocktail party does not end in just a few hours. That light coming in from the window? That’s not the ambience producers will be using to make my highlighted cheeks look good on camera. That’s the sun. The event lasts all night. Yikes. Don’t you worry your pretty little head, though, because I got you covered. I’ve pulled multiple all-nighters in my lifetime. I can remain energetic for hours and you won’t have to worry about me falling asleep like good ol’ Corinne did during a rose ceremony (um, are you joking? The disrespect is real). Give me a cup of coffee and I’m ready to roll. That sunlight is just another opportunity to show off my assumably sparkly dress, to be honest. Can you just make sure you get a good angle of me? My curled hair may be a little flat by then.
With each of these factors in mind, I’m convinced I’d be the perfect contestant for a future season of The Bachelor. To put it plainly, I’ll bring the show money and entertainment. I mean, I’d love getting to know the Bachelor, too, but my real motive here is to one day be the Bachelorette myself. Can you imagine having Chris Harrison as your own personal mentor? To have your own marketing photoshoot in a beautiful red gown? What a goal. Maybe I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons (most likely), but maybe I’d change my mind in the process. Only time will tell. But until then, I’ll continue to develop these skills until they’re the definition of perfection. Be on the lookout. Season 25, here I come.