October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month! It is a month to unite everyone around the world in a common effort to end violence inflicted on women and their children. While we have made progress, the statistics still indicate that there is a long road ahead of us.
An estimated 1.4 million women and 700,000 men have suffered domestic abuse in the last year according to figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS). Among the 1.4 million women, only 1 in 6 incidents of sexual abuse were reported.
A few years ago I would have read these statistics and not felt a connection to the facts. It wasn’t until I walked into Bucknell Student Health Center that I realized that I, too, was part of a statistic.
“Alright, dear. Your weight looks good. How about alcohol. How many drinks do you have per week?”
“None.”
“Okay, and do you smoke or use drugs? Pills, marijuana, cigarettes…?”
“Nope.”
“And when was your last menstrual cycle?”
“Um, I don’t know exactly. Two weeks ago, maybe.”
“Okay, okay.”
There was a pause. And then:
“Are you or have you been in an abusive relationship?” The nurse peered at me over her computer screen.
“What?”
“Have you or are you in an abusive relationship?” she repeated. I felt my skin heat up and the blood rise to my cheeks. Cold sweat started to bead on my palms and the back of my neck and the room seemed much smaller in that moment than it had before. I was terrified. But I was ready to declare something.
“Yes.”
Admitting that I was a victim of an abusive relationship was one of the scariest things I have ever done. For a long time, I held that secret close to my heart, afraid of what others would think of me and scared of what they would do if I told them. I learned at Student Health that day that there is no handbook for moments like this. No rule book. No guide. Just you and your past experience.
But what happens when your experience begins to change? What about when you start to fall in love with someone new? How are you supposed to act around them? How are you supposed to be? You wonder, How will they react? Will they think I am damaged? Will they still love me? How can I be with someone after having experienced an abusive relationship?
Tell the person you love.
While it may not be the best idea to tell the love of your life right away, definitely give it some thought. Take time to develop how you want to tell your story. You don’t have to tell them every detail, you don’t have to Facebook stalk him together, and you don’t even have to say anything you don’t want to. Your story is your story and by telling it the way you want to allow you to claim your power and authority over your love life.
This part might be scary at first, but once the two of you are on the same page, the sooner you can both work as a team and move forward.
Love yourself.
We hear this all of the time, but it is true: you cannot love someone else until you can first love yourself. Often times in abusive relationships we put ourselves last and our abuser first. Everything that goes wrong is our fault, we self-blame and we cut ourselves down. This is a difficult bridge to cross when you eventually find the one because you also put them first and make their priorities greater than yours, often without realizing it.
It is time to rekindle some of your interests. Take that yoga class, draw something, write a blog post, get outside, go for a hike, do things that you genuinely enjoy. These will help with the symptoms of depression and anxiety, while carving out a section of the day that is just for you.
Set boundaries.
Setting boundaries is a healthy thing to do in any relationship, but especially in one where one member has experienced sexual abuse. It is important to set some limits right off the bat so that you are only exposed to physical intimacy that makes you comfortable. This is a great form of communication because it prevents your partner from feeling rejected or confused every time you say no to something and he doesn’t know why. Bottom line is that the love of your life wants to please you in bed and if there are boundaries in place that can help him do that, then they will be thrilled and so will you.
Ask for help.
I knew the day I went to Health Services that I was ready for a change. Being a victim of abuse can be an extremely lonely experience, but asking for help was the best thing I could have done for myself. It opened up new opportunities to create stronger bonds with friends and allowed me to take advantage of campus resources.
Being able to confide and lean on the significant other in your life will make your relationship stronger and your love deeper for each other. You only have to ask.
Expect love.
You are beautiful.
You are kind.
You are not broken.
You are strong.
You are fearless.
You are loved.
Expect this. Expect love.