Freshman year, our college campuses seemed enormous. Spending a few nights out, and taking a couple of trips across campus changed our minds quickly, though, as we learned that socially, college can be a very small place. We get comfortable with our girl friends, find ourselves some guy friends, and things tend to not really change much after that. Though a close-knit group of friends ensures a good time, it can also ensure a lot of overlapping hook-ups and crushes. No matter what guy we get involved with, the “is it really okay that I’m doing this?” question is always in the back of our minds, because he used to hook up with one of your best friends, or he once made out with a girl you know and she’s since developed feelings for him, or he has a girlfriend at another school but is suddenly showing interest in you. There’s no denying that a boy’s demonstrated interest is flattering and often fun, but in a world with ambiguous relationship titles and statuses (online and real life) we have to think about what his motives are, and whether or not our involvement with him will compromise a relationship with one of our girls. So, what’s a collegiette™ to do if…
He has a long-distance girlfriend?
First instincts tell us that he’s taken, so therefore he’s not interested. Collegiette™ Rachel from Emory University thinks, “hearing that he has a girlfriend should kind of be a turn-off in itself. It’s a sign that you should just probably back off.” But there might be a chance that this guy is, well, unsatisfied. So therefore he’s setting his sights on something better and closer – aka, you. Nicole, a freshman at USC, has a different opinion about guys with long distance girlfriends. Getting involved with a guy who’s already taken can make you feel like a soulless boyfriend stealer, but when it’s real, it can be hard to shake it. For Nicole, “the bottom line is to basically only get involved when you think that your feelings are pretty serious and make sure that you’re prepared to experience some guilt and doubt in the beginning, but also remember that things will work out.” If you start to get interested in a guy who’s in a long-distance relationship, question whether or not it’s real or just a one-time thing. There’s no need to put yourself through the guilt (and another girl through heartache) if the relationship isn’t going to last. If you think it might, be sure to have a chat with him, and have him sort out his girlfriend baggage first before things get messy.
He hooked up with your close friend… like, twice?
Girls can get a little overprotective of their hookups, and even more so if things don’t go our way. If your friend was more into it than he was, and he was ultimately the one who called it off, make sure you talk to her before getting involved with him. Psychologist and author Irene Levine says, “You want to make sure that your close friend is totally over him before you rush in to claim the body.” But if she was the one who was no longer interested, he’s fair game – if you find sloppy seconds attractive. But what if she’s not really over him? Respect her feelings and try to hold off until she’s reallyover it. Sit down for a talk, and explain your situation, laying everything on the table. Be genuine and she’ll probably understand – if she’s a friend, she’ll support it.
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He dated a girl in your sorority?
If it’s a sorority sister you talked to once during rush and now give a friendly wave when you pass each other on campus, you don’t owe her too much. If you want to stay on her good side, a casual conversation might suffice; just make sure she’s over it and won’t be beside herself and furious at you if he decides to move on. Explain that you’ve been hanging out with him, and didn’t want it to seem like anything was going on behind her back. Levine says, “It’s probably not a good idea to say anything to her until you find out whether your relationship with him is serious. Then, you probably want to let her know, in passing, so she doesn’t feel blind-sided by a sister.” Approach her casually, and assure her that your intentions are not to hurt her. Respect your sister, and don’t make her feel like you’re being malicious.
He was “with” your friend but they never officially dated?
It’s a simple preposition, but “with” can have so many definitions. These relationships are totally undefined, and they usually end in a fizzle/falling out. With such a general term, there are tons of variables. Carly, a junior at Emory University, says, “it depends on how long it was and whether or not she was emotionally attached.” If enough time has passed, you can be confident that they’re both over it – especially if they’ve been “with” other people since, whatever that means. But if you choose to go for it, Levine recommends being wary of your friend’s true feelings. “As long as this was in the past, it’s over. Your friend might feel sensitive or embarrassed that you nabbed the ‘catch’ so don’t throw it in her face unnecessarily,” she says.
He hooked up with two or more of your friends and is now setting his sights on you?
Whatever this guy wants, you all have it in common, and he doesn’t care that one of you might get jealous of the other. He might be suave, but this kind of relationship triangle/square/pentagon/hexagon has the potential to tear friends apart. He obviously doesn’t care about girls’ feelings, and even less about their relationships with each other. This “sounds like a serial Don Juan that is desperate for affection, not caring particularly about ‘who with,'” says Levine. “Try to keep things on a platonic level and be cautious about these red flags. This could threaten the bond between you and your friends – don’t let it.” This scenario has potential to be drama-central. That is, of course, unless you and your friends can get a kick out of bashing his lines and performance.
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He dated one of your BFFs?
Off-limits. Unless you want to get involved in a roaring cat-fight and risk losing a best friend…
He hates your girlfriends/BFFs?
If you really care about your relationship with the guy, try to make it work. See if you can maintain both with all parties remaining content. Schedule lunches and dinners with everyone, make sure you spend time talking/texting, and altogether keeping in touch. Being a good girlfriend does not mean having to sacrifice your role as a friend – and vice versa. But if that proves difficult, Levine suggests taking a closer look at the guy. If he’s new and your friends have been around forever, consider giving him the boot. “Always be cautious about giving up your female friends,” she cautions. If you’re forced to choose, be wise, and have the foresight to know who will remain loyal to you into the future.
Keeping track of our friends and all the different relationships they have can be as challenging a task as “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” No matter how tight your group of friends, it only takes that one guy (re: scumbag) to ruin your bond. As confusing as things can get – are they hooking up? Dating? FWB? “Nothing?” Casually together? Just hanging out? – be open with your girls. It’s all the more reason for having those hungover gorge-fests we like to call “brunch” every weekend, that tend to always be interrupted by a sighting of someone’s latest hook-up.
Sources:
Irene Levine, psychologist and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend and creator of The Friendship Blog
Nicole, USC
Rachel, Emory University
Carly, Emory University
http://justgq.blogspot.com/2011/04/at-bat-vs-on-deck.html
http://twofivesix256.blogspot.com/2010_10_01_archive.htm
http://elev8.com/spirit/relationships-daily-offering/orethawinston/how-to-make-your-long-distance-relationship-last/