Where do you draw the line between healthy jealousy and let’s say… Spencer Pratt? A little jealousy never hurt anyone, but when guys let that green monster get the best of them, relationships can suffer. You’ve heard countless tips on how to make him jealous, but what if you want to do just the opposite? If you’re in a situation where you’re dealing with a partner who is super jealous, check out what our surveyed guys have to say about the situation and how the experts can help you deal.
In her book Secrets of Happy Couples, Kim Olver – coach, speaker, author and love expert – calls jealousy the relationship killer. “Jealousy will eat at the foundation of a relationship until there is no love left.” So what can you do if you’re dealing with a guy that’s a little overly green? Olver suggests understanding the roots of jealousy to help you identify the problem, but also recognizing that it’s not yours to “fix.” With a little insight into the mind of the man and some expert advice, Her Campus has put together some advice that will lead you in the direction of a healthier relationship.
Olver identifies insecurity as one of the roots of jealousy. If your guy is constantly putting you on a pedestal and bringing himself down, he may be suffering from low self-esteem. According to Dan Lier of Ask Dan and Mike, a relationship expert duo featured on NBC, CNN and Inside Edition, “the lower your man’s self esteem, the more jealousy he experiences. Don’t let looks and achievement fool you into thinking he has high self-esteem. Some of the most attractive men are the most jealous, as they lead the way in regards to insecurities.” He might think you’re too good for him, having thoughts like, “Why would she ever date someone like me?” or “I bet all the guys at the bar are all over her.” While these may sound like great compliments to you, there may be an underlying issue in what he is saying. Andrew, a student at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign says, “I get jealous when she’s out and doesn’t respond to my texts all night. It makes me think that whatever she’s doing is more fun than talking to me and it makes me wonder why we’re dating if she’s not thinking about me when we’re not together.”
One of the best ways to deal with an insecure boyfriend is to build him up… he may just need some reassurance that you’ve only got eyes for him. Lier believes that communication is the key to overcoming his insecurity. He suggests asking your guy, “What has to happen for you to know that I am with you, and loyal to you?” According to Ask Dan and Mike, the more healthy conversations you have together, the more trust you and your partner will build and the more connected you will become. A text here and there or a phone call at the end of the night lets him know you’re having fun but thinking about him, and that should ease his mind. Just remember, you shouldn’t be glued to your phone when you’re out, constantly updating him with your every move; it’s important to remain independent while also respecting his feelings. If his nagging is obsessive and he constantly needs to know what you’re doing, you need to reevaluate the relationship; these are signs that it could be an unhealthy one.