We need to talk.
Last weekend was, to put it as nicely as possible, a shit show.
Oh? You say you don’t remember last weekend? Well let me refresh your memory. It was your first party since the breakup. You were still healing. You were fragile. You were putting on a brave face…then you were drunkenly sobbing in the bathroom after you caught a glimpse of your ex dancing with another girl.
You may say you don’t remember, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget what you said to me as you wiped away your snot and dried your black mascara tears on my new, white, linen pants from H&M. Through the muffled sobs and anguished squeals, I distinctly heard two words escape your mouth, as clear as Rose McGowan’s dress at the 1998 MTV VMAs.
Now, as your friend, I feel that it’s my duty to tell you a few things. First, I should tell you that this breakup isn’t a contest because there are no winners in a breakup—just two people with broken hearts. I should also tell you that you need to focus on moving on, and that you shouldn’t torture yourself by keeping tabs on what your ex is doing. And finally, I should tell you that I wear size 30x32, and that I expect a new pair of pants by the end of the week.
Yes, I should say all those things—there’s just one hitch. If this breakup is a competition, then that means that I’m on your side.
And my team never loses.
So you know what? You need to do like Zac Efron and get your head in the game. Because we can still win this! You’ve got the power, you’ve got the resources, and Lord knows you’ve got the sexiest male cheerleader in the world! All you need is some focus.
Just remember— winning a breakup is all about how much better you appear to be handling your newly single status than your ex is, and how much you can make him wish that he’d never let you go.
Want to see if you’ve got a shot at getting a gold medal in the 2010 Summer Olymp-Ex? Well let’s take a peek at the judges’ scorecard and see.
1. You leave your status on Facebook as “in a relationship” for more than a day or two. (-15)
2. You get a bunch offers from guys the moment people find out you’re single. (+25)
3. Outsiders view him as “the villain” in the breakup. (+50)
4. You leave up a Facebook profile picture of the two of you for longer than a few days. (-20)
5. You text him to see what he’s up to. (-15 per text)
6. You badmouth him to other people. (-15)
7. You drunk-dial him…
a. after a night out at a party or club. (-20)
b. after a night spent in your bedroom. (-40)
8. You bother his friends to find out if he’s starting seeing someone new. (-30)
9. You maintain a good relationship with his family. (+10)
Bonus: His Mom asks him why he let you get away. (+40)
10. The weight you gained during the relationship…
a. is quickly lost, leaving you looking more radiant than ever. (+25)
b. is added to by your strict regimen of eating your feelings three times a day. (-25)
11. You run away if you see him close by. (-10)
12. You have an impressive success/achievement that he’ll likely hear about. (+30 per achievement)
13. You notice him checking you out at a party. (+20)
Bonus: You’re dancing with another guy at the time. (+5)
14. You’re the first to go on a date/hook up with someone else. (+30)
Bonus: the new guy is more attractive than your ex. (+20)
Double Bonus: the new guy is also one of his friends. (+40)
15. You wear old clothes that he left behind. (-20)
16. If you run into him, you…
A. awkwardly stutter like Miley did the last time she freaked out. (-15)
B. pretend you didn’t see him and walk away. (-20)
C. have an emotional breakdown. (-40)
D. exchange pleasantries before confidently walking off. (+20)
17. You/your team beat(s) him/his team in a competition. (+35)
18. You post Facebook statuses that…
A. are thinly veiled references about how depressed your breakup has left you. (-15)
B. blatantly refer to your ex and your situation. (-30)
19. He starts seeing someone else before you do. (-20)
Bonus: but you’re noticeably more attractive and intelligent than she is. (+30)
Anti-bonus: but then you confront her like a jealous wackjob. (-30)
20. He asks you to take him back. (+60)
Bonus: You reject the offer… (+40)
Final Bonus: …because you’ve genuinely moved on. (+200)
ADD IT UP FOR YOUR BREAKUP SCORE!
More than 300 = Jennifer post-Brad: You’re powerful, single, and not afraid to mingle. Tell your ex to have fun with that crazy chick who used to wear blood around her neck.
100 to 295 = Kathryn Bigelow post-James Cameron: Not only did you win your breakup, but the Academy agrees. Rub that Oscar in your ex’s face.
-95 to 95 = Reese post-Ryan: You’re moving on with your life, but breakups are always hard. It’s okay to take some time to adjust.
-295 to -100 = Britney post-Justin: Your ex appears to have won, launching a successful solo career and scoring with numerous Hollywood hotties. Well at least you still have your looks.
Less than 300 = Britney post-K-Fed. Your wannabe-rapper ex gained a ton of weight and is a living joke. And you still lost. This is just embarrassing. I think it’s about time I pick a new team to root for.