When our parents and grandparents courted, it used to be the giving and wearing of a pin that officiated a budding relationship; nowadays, things are much simpler (and cheaper) than that. All it takes is one little click for that virtual red heart to appear, and with that, we assume that a very real relationship has begun to form. And as feelings develop, virtual universes collide.
The Facebook generation has developed the ability, and a subsequent need to publicize our social affairs, however explicit, dramatic or mushy they might be. In most cases, it’s just TMI. No, despite what you might think, I don’t enjoy scrolling through the make-out session that PhotoBooth just happened to record. But at any rate, thanks, Mark Zuckerberg, for making it oh-so-easy to broadcast our “love” for that special someone throughout cyberspace. Seriously though, screw you for giving us an all-access pass into the (porno-?)graphic love lives of our closest 1,173 friends.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s great that you’re in love, and even better that you’re not afraid to show it. But for the sake of our imaginations, your privacy, and the parents that are now starting to infiltrate the Facebook-sphere, you might want to consider not doing any of the following…
Posting intimate photos
It’s not cute if you use the “fisheye” effect, and it’s not funny with the whirly one. No one wants to scroll through your make-out album, and it’s just not necessary to publish it online. Photos and videos of anything beyond smiling should be kept to yourself, not shared! I mean, don’t your parents have Facebooks?!
Treating wall posts as love notes
The “I love you so0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o much baby”-s that pop up on Newsfeeds every 26 seconds are better left hand-written. Truth be told, they mean little when they appear on a computer screen, and that much less when you share those, um, deep sentiments with pretty much everyone you’ve ever met.
These videos scream “give me attention!” even with your messy hair, no makeup, choice of laidback sweatshirt and your “OMG I’m so bored and I like, really really really really really really miss you” assertion. They often seem whiny and silly – at least, to anyone who chooses to press play.
Manipulating profile content
Sharing usernames and passwords is one thing, but taking advantage of this valuable information is quite another. When you start posting statuses that say “I luv my gf sooo much!!!” and filling in his About Me section with your full name and hearts and :-*’s, it gets to be a little much.
Posting honeymoon photo albums
Whether you went for a stroll in the park or you flew to the other side of the world, honeymoon-esque photo albums will leave many rolling their eyes and asking questions. A few photos are fine, but an album filled with 137 of your favorite pics of just the two of you is something no one wants to look at. That’s great that you had a lovely picnic, but I don’t need a flip-book-style montage that captured every bite.
Posting super emotional statuses
You know, the ones that are really dramatic and vague, unless you know exactly who it’s directed towards. It’s the “Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime. And never let go till we’re gone. Love was when I loved you, one true time to hold on to, in my life we’ll always go on” ’s that really get us – and drive us to text our friends to take a look. And there are always the ones that go a little bit over the top by calling on CeeLo for inspiration. Some people choose poems, others go with song lyrics, but whatever they write – overly romantic or dripping with disdain – everyone knows it’s intended for him or her. Instead of being effective, they seem overly theatrical, and altogether ridiculous.
Calling each other by nicknames
You might think they’re cute, but to everyone else they’re just kind of weird. It’s things like, “Can’t wait to see you, Schnookums!” that make us cringe. I mean, really?
Having a joint Facebook
The use of middle names in your Facebook name is okay (I guess…), but “and Jeremy” is unacceptable. There is simply no purpose for a Facebook page of this nature. If you and your guy call date-night “quality-time-spent-sitting-on-the-couch-perusing-our-joint-Facebook-night,” something is seriously wrong.
Having an on-and-off Relationship status
No matter how many times you break up in real life, we don’t need to see that little red heart break and re-join time and time again. First of all, it’s depressing and we all feel bad for you! Second, it gets boring when you start scrolling through your News Feed and the only Top News is that “Joe Smith and Mary Lou are no longer in a relationship,” “Joe Smith and Mary Lou are now in a relationship,” x14. (Because News Feeds are meant to entertain, after all.)
Having unrelated conversations on someone else’s photo
It doesn’t matter if it’s a lover’s quarrel or a little flirtation, but just remember that every time you post a comment on a picture, anyone else that has posted on it previously receives a little red notification. Your BFF Sarah doesn’t want to read through the string of 15 comments of planning for your next date, and neither do the 6 people that liked her picture. Pick up your phones if things are getting excessive – or X-rated, for that matter.
The next time you try to engage your boy-toy in an FB flirt-war, think about all the people who really don’t want to have any part in it. Please, keep it to yourselves, limit it to some poking, or maybe even call each other…better yet, just go out on a real date! Whatever you do, we’d appreciate if you’d keep it off of Facebook – kissy photos and all.