We’re always told to be honest, upfront, and open with our significant others, but some things are best left out of relationships. Think twice before you over-share, because we can think of at least five things that your boyfriend shouldn’t, doesn’t, and never will want to know…
“I have a mustache!”
Bleach, wax, shave, laser, pluck, tweeze, pull, or cover up—I don’t care how you deal with excess hair, and neither does your man. The occasional complaint is not necessarily off-limits (“It’s so unfair that you don’t have to shave your legs!” or “Waxes are so expensive!”) but the logistics of your hair removal are better left between you and your friends. And your follicles. Why? Not only will your boyfriend immediately picture you with a Grover Cleveland style handlebar mustache, but he’ll also have nothing to add to the conversation so you’ll be left feeling both stupid and hairy.
“Here are the details surrounding my horrible stomach flu!”
I too have read the canonical literary work Everybody Poops. But notice that the sequel …And Here are the Graphic Detailsnever got published. Your boyfriend is more than welcome to bring you chicken soup when you get sick (or, in this case, water and toast), but then he should probably leave and let you do the dirty work. Call me old-fashioned, but I come from the school of ‘what happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom.’
“I had (another) sex dream about my ex!”
You can be open and honest without divulging every detail of your waking and sleeping life. Had sex with your ex? Tell him. Dreaming about sex with your ex? Keep it to yourself. It’s not like you feel compelled to tell him about the weird dragon fight or topless midterm recurring nightmare. What’s the point of starting a fight and making him feel insecure when you could just roll over and cuddle with the guy who’s actuallyin your bed?
“My mom thinks I can do better than you!”
This is mean. So don’t say it. When you’re in a relationship there’s an implicit understanding that you’re overriding all of the negative opinions friends and family may voice because you, unlike your mother, don’t care if your partner is temporarily unemployed or in the middle of a long hair phase. By bringing up irrelevant negativity, you’re hurting feelings and creating tension when you could just wait in the unemployment line brushing your boyfriend’s long hair happily. Or, you know, whatever.
“I’m attracted to your brother!”
Or cousin, or best friend, or dad. Everyone has attractions, and that’s something you can’t always control (although I’ve found that picturing the object of attraction getting a cavity filled curbs libido pretty quickly). But when you share attractions that you don’t ever want to act upon or materialize, you make your partner feel needlessly insecure. Especially if the other person is, hypothetically, his stronger and more successful dashing older brother. The bottom line: no one wants to think of their partner thinking of their sibling. Gross.
Sure, you want an open and honest relationship, but “discretion” and “tact” are not always euphemisms for “lie.” You have our official permission to keep the occasional dream, stomach flu, and wax to yourself, guilt free. (And, while you’re at it, you might encourage your partner to do the same…)