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I’ve been “seeing” this guy on and off for about four months. We first started “officially” dating at the very start, but after a little less than two weeks, he blew it off, claiming “we took things far too fast for him.” I understood completely; we really did hardly know each other, after all, but my heart was still heavy at the thought that I had given it all to this new guy, and once again- I had been slapped in the face. (I have a very horrible past in the dating/relationship realm of life, but that’s neither here nor there). This guy knew all of this, and still found it okay to end things via text. I kind of forced him on that one; he was kind enough to say he wanted to talk in person, but I knew what was coming, so I just gave it to myself the hard way. Anyway, we’ve been seeing one another off and on for the past four months. We go to the same college and see each other randomly. I’ll go to his place, or he’ll come over to mine, and although there are many times we don’t “do the dirty”, that is the seeming basis of our relationship level. We have established that “we are just friends with benefits”, but I would like something more. He knows it too; and I sometimes feel like he lets this hang over me. I once told him I loved him five times in one night (as you can tell, lots of drinking was involved with that). I don’t even recall saying it, but he tells me I did, and since that night, nothing has been the same. He knows that I like him far more than he likes me, yet he continues to pursue “something”. Is this just sex? Or will this ever be “more”? He says he’s not saying “no” to ever having something more with me, but then again- he didn’t exactly ever fully say yes, now, did he? -Urgent at UNH
Urgent,
I’m really interested in all the quotes you used in your question. “Seeing,” “officially” and “friends with benefits” give the impression that you don’t take the conventional relationship labels very seriously. This can be great, except that you’re in a no labels relationship now and clearly you want something more definitive.
I don’t think I like this guy. I’ve experienced rejection via text and I firmly believe it’s one of the most emotionally hurtful things you can do to another person. It doesn’t matter if you “kind of forced” him into it. But I can understand his perspective when it comes to your current situation. You made no attempt to turn this relationship into anything more than hooking up. You’d just randomly run into each other and have sex. Meaningful. Then, you say something when you’re totally wasted, and that totally disrupts his perception of what you guys had. You should have been honest about your feelings earlier. This guy just wanted sex with no attachments, and he thought you felt the same way.
Now, this doesn’t mean he isn’t totally mishandling things as they currently stand. He needs to stop vacillating and make a decision about whether he wants to be in a relationship with you. You’ve suffered too much already to worry about being clingy. It’s time to be completely honest. Give him an ultimatum. If he makes a commitment, good. If he doesn’t want to date, leave. Completely cut off communication with him, meet new guys and spend more time with your friends. You’ve suffered a lot in romance. There’s no reason to continue this if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. You’ve been hurt before and you’ve been able to move on. You can do it again if necessary.