Real Live College Guy Joe: Meeting His Parents

Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you, they just imagine you naked?  Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed! Well, usually – he is a college guy.
 
So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for five months, and I really wanted him to introduce me to his parents. He finally gave in, and we are meeting them next week! Of course, now that I’ve gotten what I wanted, I am super nervous. What does ‘meeting the parents’ mean? How should I act? How does he want me to act? Will he care what they think of me? And, most importantly, what should I wear?!
    -Don’t Want to Be a Disappointment at Dartmouth
 
So you’re safari-ing into the habitat of parents (homus parentus boyfriendus,) eh? It can be a dangerous place. The parents can be a standoffish species, not accustomed to the presence of young humans ever since their offspring abandoned the nest. If startled, they can lash out with a wide array of defensive tactics, such as snide, offhand remarks about your clothing or extreme drunkenness. Approach with caution, and follow these safety tips for the parental wilderness:
 
Outerwear
You might spend the entire week before your trip worrying about what to wear so as not to spook the parents, specifically the female, or “mother,” parent. If I wear a skirt, will she think I’m a call girl? If I wear pants, will she think I’m a call girl who is bad at my job? (In my experience, most girls’ fears about visiting the parents are really just different iterations of the fear that the mother will think they are call girls. Will she think my name is too call girly? How quickly can I legally change my name? If I tell her I’m an English major, will she think I’ll become a call girl after graduation to pay my bills?) But you shouldn’t worry too much. Just wear what you normally wear, and you’ll be fine. Unless you are a call girl. In that case, maybe, just for a night, trade in the fishnets for some jeans with the a**  part still sewed in.   
 
First encounter
When making initial contact with the parents, walk slowly. Don’t make any sudden movements. Maybe even crouch a little to appear non-threatening. For real, though, just be yourself, and be respectful. If you’re a cheek-kisser, cheek-kiss. If his old man looks especially frumpy, maybe just extend the hand for an informal shake. Compliment them on what a nice home they have, and don’t touch stuff that looks expensive. Then the parents will grant you free range in their burrow and will protect you as one of their own from intruding predators.