Real Live College Guy Joe: Guys Kissing & Telling and Safe Sexts

Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you they just imagine you naked?  Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace, and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed!  Well, usually – he is a college guy.
 
Do guys kiss and tell?  Who are they telling?  And how much do they spill?  Should I be worried? - Curious at Columbia 

I’ll be frank: guys kiss and tell.  Don’t delude yourself, and don’t believe him if he says he doesn’t.  Maybe he won’t tell stories with lots of p’s and v’s, but that’s probably because those words make him giggle.  I can guarantee you that, at the very least, he’s said something like, “So, anyone want to know what kind of pink, size 2, Hello Kitty underwear Susie wore yesterday?” 

But don’t fret.  Bragging about hook-ups is an ancient form of male chest-beating, dating back to those cave drawings where the stick-figure caveman is talking to his loin-cloth clad buddies with a word bubble filled with many large bosomed female stick figures.  What I’m saying is that every guy kisses, tells, and exaggerates, but it’s for that very reason that this practice poses no danger to your honor.  It’s a game, not a judgment on your character.  I’ll illuminate why you shouldn’t be worried by explaining who your hook-up will tell, what he will tell, and why it is virtually harmless.  
 
Who We Tell
Though duping someone with mostly female anatomy to insert their tongue into his suspect oral cavity is an unbelievable triumph for a guy, he won’t share it with all his friends and family.  Guys only share that information with their closest friends – granted, if a guy’s mom is his closest friend, then he’s got his own problems.  He’ll share the story with his roommates, maybe the guys in his frat, maybe everyone at the gym (just kidding).  But guys aren’t going to tell every one of their casual acquaintances because 1) that would be weird, and 2) you have just as much dirt on him and his back moles as he does on you and yours.
 
What We Tell
Sometimes, it’s true, guys exaggerate.  You made out on the dance floor for a couple seconds?  He’ll tell everyone you went down on him while dancing on a stripper pole.  You actually did go down on him while dancing on a stripper pole?  He’ll everyone you only made out on the dance floor for a couple seconds – on the moon. 
 
But these exaggerations are usually sniffed out immediately, or, more often, guys never use the girl’s real name to ward off fact-checkers.  Mostly, guys talk about their hook-ups in stock phrases – head, doggy style, post-sex crying – because sex stories are like Sportscenter: guys are more concerned with highlights than the play-by-play.  They won’t talk about the dirty talking you did or how loudly you orgasmed.  Give us a little credit: most guys understand what is really, really private.  More importantly, guy friends don’t care about that kind of thing.  They care about what makes this particular hook-up story interesting: exotic locations, comparative levels of drunkness, whether or not a cat was involved.  And guys won’t talk about role-playing or tantric stuff or the fact that your safe word is “Bunny,” mostly because that could be embarrassing for him, too. 
 
One thing guys definitely talk about, though, is whether or not you’re shaved.  So, please, for the love of everything holy, do it.  Last year’s Real Live College Guy agrees. 
 
Why You Shouldn’t Worry
Even though he will tell his close friends about your hook-up in a little detail, my personal opinion is that you shouldn’t worry too much.  For one thing, if you’re even mildly selective about guys – which you obviously are, since you came to such an erudite, attractive gentleman for advice – you will likely choose one that won’t destroy your honor the morning after.  Most guys will mention your hook-up, Facebook stalk you, maybe even real-life stalk you, but not get into real nitty gritty of the hook-up.  And even if he tells his friends, “Yea, she gave me a bj,” so what?  His friends will understand that you shared an intimate moment, and be happy for you (a.k.a. insanely jealous).  They will not come knocking at your door asking if it is the offices of the Blow Job Lady.  So, in almost every hook-up scenario, you really have nothing to worry about. 
 
Granted, every girl is allowed an occasional sleazeball, known today as a “bro.”  He might get into a little more detail about your big knockers and your really great personality, or whatever bros talk about.  But even then you shouldn’t worry, because his friends aren’t really listening.  They’ll chuckle, maybe punch him in the shoulder, definitely shotgun a beer, but that’s it.  The hook-up exists as a story, a crystallized moment in time, a cool triumph for their bro.  They don’t actually care about you, or anyone, really.  Here are some diagrams to illustrate my point: 
What goes on in a guy’s head: Danny + Sex with Amanda = Danny is the man
What does NOT go on in a guy’s head: Danny + Sex with Amanda = Amanda is impure!

For all you non-math people who read my column: when any guy kisses and tells, they and their friends don’t care about what you did, they care about his good fortune.
And remember, we’re in college here.  People don’t start nasty rumors about you in the girl’s locker room anymore, unless of course you do something really heinous like have a pimple that so totally should have been popped yesterday.  Seriously though, if you go far, sex-wise, with a guy, people won’t be calling you slut the next morning.  Unless your name is Slut, in which case I am truly sorry.