We need to talk.
It happens just about every weekend--and maybe even Monday through Thursday depending on the academic rigor of your institution. No, I'm not talking about your “field trips” to Chipotle. What I'm referring to is a more classic, time-honored tradition.
The College Party.
Yes, just like roommate drama and occasional STI screening, partying is an integral part of the college experience. But despite the fact that every Friday night seems to involve the tried and true formula of a pong table and a laptop DJ, you sometimes seem a little unfamiliar with what kind of behavior is and isn't acceptable at a late-night shindig.
Don't worry; it's not your fault. Partying is one of the few necessary life skills that your parents never taught you as a child. Hell, they even had a book to teach you about pooping, which I feel is a far more intuitive process.
So to make up for their shortcomings (and to test the waters of a possible future career in writing children's books), I offer you…
*~Dr. Herg A. Bestfrend's ABC's of Party Etiquette~*
Don't judge. It's a working title.
A is for Amnesia, which should not be a goal for the night. You may think that drinking may help you forget your problems, but in reality, it usually makes them--and you--harder to deal with. Stroking your hair at 4 am as you sob into a couch cushion is not my ideal weekend.
B is for Buddy System. It's good for adults too! Having a friend with you at a party will save you the trouble of coming up with a good lie to get rid of the creepy guy who keeps offering to walk you back to your room.
C is for Cock-Blocking. Don't do it. It's hard enough for me to get play without your drunk self interrupting my suave moves.
D is for Dress to Impress. Leggings and a tanktop ain't gonna cut it at a party. Unless it's 80's themed. In which case you should go the extra mile and wear leg-warmers as well. And a side ponytail.
E is for Every Day, which is simply too often to party. I know you want to have a good time in college before you have to worry about living in the real world, but making sure you get a degree should also be somewhere on your list of priorities.
F is for Fraternity Parties. Watch your back, guard your belongings, and make sure your drink never leaves your sight. That's all I'm going to say.
G is for Guest List. Make sure you're on it before you show up decked out in your Jersey Shore gear and find that you'll have to do the Snooki walk of shame back to your dorm.
H is for Helping a Friend. You may be getting your mack on with the hottie from Chem lecture, but if your friend needs an escort home, she (or he) takes precedence. I apologize to your libido in advance.
I is for Insulting the Hosts, which is a no-no. Especially if you go to a smaller school where party locations are few and far between.
J is for Jungle Juice. Be cautious. It may not taste that strong, but I have it on good authority that V8 almost entirely covers up the taste of our good friend Vladimir.
K is for Kleptomania. Yes, don't doubt for a second that some of your peers may walk into a party with an innocent smile and walk out with a bottle of stolen liquor. Such an offense can get you shot south of the Mason-Dixon line.
L is for Leaving. It's pretty easy to tell when you've overstayed your welcome. Usually the music has stopped and the few faces left are looking at you like you're Lady Gaga and you forgot to put on makeup.
M is for Multiple Hookups. You should really stick to one man per party. But no one said anything about sticking to one party per night.
N is for No, which is what your answer should be when a horny freshman asks you to flash him.
O is for Other Places, which is where you should have your fights and air out your drama. It's never a good idea to cuss someone out in a room full of people you might run into on Monday morning. That's how girls get fun new nicknames like "Crazy Bitch."
P is for Police. You hear them, you run. Although, as a responsible adult who would never consume alcohol unless you were of legal age, you haven't really done anything wrong.
Q is for Queasiness. I should never hear the sentence "I feel nauseous" come out of your mouth. You feel nauseous, you don't waste time speaking. You go find a bathroom immediately.
R is for Responsible Decisions. Before doing anything, take a second to think. Should I be walking home alone at this hour? Should I go home with this guy I just met? Is a game of strip Twister really in my best interest right now? The answers may surprise you.
S is for Sloptarts. Nobody likes them. I feel like we've been over this before...
T is for Taken Men. They're off limits. Even if their girlfriends are staying in to finish an essay and the sweet sounds of Ne-Yo are getting you all hot and bothered.
U is for Underwear. Wear it. Trust me on this one.
V is for Vomiting, which should be done privately or not at all. Like sex. Or listening to Justin Bieber.
W is for Water. Drink it. You know, all that dancing can leave you really dehydrated.
X is for X-rated. In the age of camera phones and rapid file sharing, you never know when some candid footage may come back to bite you in the ass. So think carefully and scan the room for recording devices before you play that round of strip Twister.
Y is for Yes, which is what your answer should be when someone asks you if your friend Scott is single.
Z is for Zimbabwe. It's a country in Africa. They have different rules for parties there.
Now you know your ABC's! Next time please don't cock-block me.