Extreme Virginity: From No Touching to No Sucking, and Everything In Between
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
By
For many co-eds, when college isn't about trying to catch your professor saying something offensive on your phone’s camera, posting Facebook statuses complaining about how busy you are, and sledding down hills on a tray you stole from the dining hall, it's about sex. Lots of sex. In bars and frats and dorms and cars and quads and empty classrooms and library cubicles and almost anywhere that provides some semblance of privacy for 3 to 9 minutes.
Yet an admittedly smaller population of collegiettes™ attends parties, suffers through long lectures, leads clubs, and, yes, sleds down hills on trays they stole from the dining hall, without the sex. In fact, some vow to get married without ever touching a man.
They’re “extreme” virgins—women whose celibacy extends beyond baby-making and permeates every aspect of their interpersonal lives.
Some draw the line at a handshake or a hug, others are comfortable with anything above the belt. Most cite religious faith as a motivation for their virginity, many note secular advantages to their abstinent lifestyle, and they all live their college lives without walks of shame and birth control alarms.
Hannah* is a junior at Columbia University. She’s studying to be a doctor, involved on campus, friendly, beautiful, and—as an observant Jew—completely, totally, and happily abstinent. Hannah observes a Jewish law known as “shomer negieh”—a practice that completely forbids any affectionate touching between a man and a woman. (Even handshakes and high-fives are off-limits.) She hopes that the first contact she’ll ever have with her husband—the first handhold and snuggle session, much less blowjob or sleepover—will be on her wedding day.
“I chose to be ‘shomer’ because I honestly believe it's the proper thing to do under the Jewish law I follow,” Hannah explains. “I also believe that it fosters very stable relationships with members of the opposite sex and leads to an appreciation of who they are, not just based on physical closeness.”
While it might be “the proper thing to do,” it is certainly not the easiest. Between natural impulses, college parties, campus culture, and an over-sexed society, choosing to practice extreme forms of abstinence is hard.
Really hard.
“Anyone who tells you it's easy is probably lying,” Hannah confesses, “In fact, at times it feels completely unnatural. Many friends and people I know don't hold by [their “extreme” virginity] once they are in a serious, committed relationship. It simply becomes too difficult.”
Forget the restraint it takes to remain inches away from your fiancé until you’ve said “I do,” for extreme virgins, daily interactions—from shaking hands with a client to pushing up against strangers on a crowded subway car—are potential violations of their sexual code of ethics.
About the Author
Biography
Rachel Peck is a senior at Barnard College, Class of 2012, where she is majoring in English and Theatre and minoring in Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. Although she admits to actually enjoying high school in her hometown of Bexley, OH, her favorite thing to do is explore her new--slightly more exciting--home, New York City. When she isn't watching good (and bad...) TV, finding excuses to plan dinner with friends, window shopping, or napping, Rachel enjoys working for the Barnard admissions office, serving on her sorority's various boards, and writing for whoever will read it. You can also follow her on Twitter (@peckrachel) if you're into that.
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Comments
"Pre-marital promiscuity is already being unfaithful."
That's what seems especially odd to me. I can understand wanting to save sex until the wedding day; I have decided not to wait, but with a little imagination I can see that point of view. However, the idea that "pre-marital promiscuity"--or to put it in less pejorative terms, sexual activity done outside of marriage--is somehow cheating on your future spouse seems absurd. What about having a relationship, even if you abstain from touching or making out or having sex? Is that cheating on your future spouse? What about having a crush? Since it's impossible in the real world to avoid things like those happening, I doubt anyone would say that they constituted "cheating." (At least I hope not!) So why would we apply that to more obviously sexually charged actions? How can you cheat on someone you've never met?
It's no wonder that so many people believe that having more than one sex partner makes a woman a slut. It's because they believe that each time she makes out or has sex, she's cheating on her potential future husband! (I guess the whole time I was with my now ex, I was carrying on an affair...)
Great idea for a story, but if you can't have sources to fully back it up then there is not credibility. There are plenty of girls (and guys for that matter) willing to own up to their virginity. Why not use them? Look at this one for instance (and no lie, I'm like 75 percent sure this was a former her campus writer. I'm assuming that's maybe why you didn't use her?) http://www.ivillage.com/im-waiting-marriage-real-virgin-diary/4-a-406675.
I dunno... the lack of journalistic credibility just ruined this for me. I guess I expected more from HerCampus.
These religious reasons are all valid, but it's important to not dismiss the people who are doing it for other reasons. I came to college as a virgin, and didn't want my first time to be some sloppy party hook-up. Maybe I'm stuck in the hopeless romantic phase, but I want my first time to be with someone I really care for. I'm not against it at all and not all about waiting until marriage, but sex is something that should be special the first time.
I'm not an extreme virgin, but I do believe in waiting until marriage, and I agree that it's so much easier with back-up from your friends or significant other. It's good to know that we're not the only ones out there, ladies!
Having a pure marriage means alot to me as a Christian woman. I am by no means an extreme virgin, but I do admire your standpoint. I grew up around guys since I have a younger brother, so I am comfortable with some touching. I agree with Rachel's standpoint on marriage. I say no to sex now so that when I am ready I can say yes to the person God has chosen for me with no regrets.
I'm a semi-extreme virgin myself, about like Abby. My rule is, if a bikini will cover it, he ain't touchin' it. It bothers me that someone will tell me that what I'm doing by choosing not to have sex, or do certain physical things, is repressive. I can choose for myself what's repressive or not, and I know that, for me, this is what will make me most satisfied. Yes, it is for religious reasons, but that's also a choice. What feels repressive to some people feels liberating for others, quite apart from any issues of morality. Whatever I think morally about something, I'll gladly stay out of your bedroom, and request that others do the same for me -- even if all I'm doing there is sleeping alone.
Without going into a discourse on how eroticism and desire is heightened by exclusivity, ritual, and elusiveness (which is why I have no doubts about my own choice not to give it up before marriage, and admire women who make that same choice) I'll merely note that the name you chose for your Halacha Jewish girl, Hannah, is Hebrew/Aramaic that is Hellenized/Anglicized as Anne. Hannah/Anne, was the the name of mother of Mary of Nazareth. Perfect choice, Rachel. (I won't hold forth on how awesome your name is, I'm sure already know all about that..)
Anyway, not giving it up is very sexy, or at least so say I. Peace out.
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