When we opened up our online lockbox of reader submissions for decoding, the responses ranged from racy to ridiculous. Yet none of your exchanges made us want to call upon our hot guy panel to start the translation process. Frankly readers, we were a little disappointed. DIG DEEPER. You’ve got one more week before we start decoding and, as we are giving you our very best, we expect nothing less from you.
However, like tide and time, we wait for no (wo)man. The textucation process can commence immediately, even without your convos.
There are several types of truly “sucky” texters, and we are here to help you not suck. Read on to learn about how to avoid being a tragic texting type.
“Sorry I didn’t get your Text”ers
If a boy tells you he “didn’t see your text,” check to see if his phone apparatus has been run over by a tractor. If this did not occur, he is most likely lying. Let’s just say Megan Fox had texted him instead of you. We have this feeling he would have found a way to get that.
Just kidding. Look at Megan. There’s no way she would be texting your boyfriend.
Anyone with mediocre vision knows what under-the-table texting looks like. It’s a little glowing light that reflects on your face and a sudden blank stare that implies you are concentrating very hard on not-the-person-in-front-of-you. Stop being a freak who stares at her crotch and engage with the real person at the table with you, or people will stop asking you out.
Instead of under-the-table texting, try under-the-table kissing. Much hotter.
Toolishly Talkative Texters with iPhones
Friends with iPhones text us the next great American novel with a total disregard for the fact that some of us still have ordinary phones on which texting is a rather involved, athletic process for our thumbs. Plus, excessively long messages are received in sections, which makes for incessant buzzing and phone seizures.
Our thumbs are angry at you, iPhones, and they express that anger like so.
Toolishly Overattenative Texters with Blackberries
BBM allows one to see whether recipients have opened a given text. Dear Blackberry users who abuse this feature: Texting is not a form of tracking. There may be a situation in which your correspondent cannot instantly reply (see: Under-the-Table Texters). Just because he viewed your last message at 4:37 p.m. and didn’t respond until 4:52 p.m. doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you. Probably.
This is a secret agent, not to be confused with a Blackberry.
Drunk Texters, Wrong Recipient Edition
Phones, like heavy machinery and automobiles, should not be operated by those who have had too much to drink. When “Dad” and your late-night hookup “Dan” are neighbors in your phonebook, exercise caution. Mistakenly texting the padre, “hey u left ur boxers in my room, wanna come get em? ;)” at 2:27 a.m. could be kind of awkward.
If you drunk text Rufus, he will be angry and disappointed and you will most likely be subjected to one of his boring fatherly talks. No one wants that.
Drunk Texters, The Spelling Like A Dyslexic on Crack Edition
You know who you are. People laugh at you. Just put the phone away so you don’t have everyone coming up to you in the morning, letting you know that they appreciate being your “bset ferrnd everrrr!!fjd!!!!!!”
When Bart Simpson is a better speller than you, it’s time to take it easy on the texting.
Drunk Texters, The Gushy and Emotional Edition
Unless your boyfriend cried during The Notebook (unlikely) messages like “babe I luv u sooooo much!!!! xoxoxoxo need u miss uuuu!” will probably make him wish you were a dyslexic on crack.
xoxoxoxoxoxox, as demonstrated by Rachel and Ryan.
Don’t text “I luv u” if you’ve never said “I love you” with your voice. Do not try to have the sex talk, break up, fight, or ask someone out via text. Finally, do not sign off with “xoxoxox” if you wouldn’t really give the person three hugs and four kisses. Texting is not a substitute for legitimate romantic gestures or making out. It’s more fun to make out in person.
See? Real men kiss before they text.
Kinky texts are gross and feel like sexting with Doogie Howser. Cosmo is lying to you when it says dirty texting turns guys on, just like it lies when it tells you there are 89 ways to have a better orgasm. Everyone knows there are only 77 (writers’ note: if anyone has figured out the last 12, e-mail us.).
I wanna sext you up, Doogie.