Whether you’re dating your boyfriend long distance, thinking about calling up your ex, or wondering whether you’ll run into that cutie you hooked up with at last weekend’s party on campus, we collegiettes don’t always have the answers to our love and relationships questions. That’s why we’re introducing our newest additions to the Her Campus team: Real Live College Guys Sean and Pat! Pat Bradley joins us as a junior from Merrimack College and Sean McFarland is a senior from the University of Pittsburgh. Besides being some pretty hunky upperclassmen, these RLCGs are ready to offer their shrewd, albeit snarky insight into college love! Be sure to look for their letters in the future!
I always seem to end up dating a guy who goes back to his ex, either during our relationship or a month right after. It makes me feel like I'm never good enough and that I didn't make an impression. This has happened to me in EVERY one of my relationships. And the guy seems to get over me so fast. What am I doing wrong? - Never the One at Northeastern
Hi Never the One,
Ah, the classic case of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I can see why after so many times you’ve been left wondering, “Wait, is it?” Now unless you spray yourself with Run-Back-To-Your-Ex perfume daily, I’m guessing something else is going on. Whether intentionally or not, you seem to be going after guys who aren’t emotionally available. Sadly, many men get hung up on this problem at one time or another. Men tend to run back to their exes because they obviously aren’t truly over them in the first place. It’s a pretty unfair thing to do, really.
Luckily, there are a few signs to look out for in your next guy. Do they still talk about their ex, particularly in a negative way? Red Flag. Do they still have pictures or memories of their ex around? Red Flag. Do they still send their ex flowers daily? Okay—you get my point.
What you need to do is keep your eyes open for signs like this. Don’t hold back in any encounter with a guy and act normal, but do keep a close watch for these signs. Before you know it you’ll find that you’ve been chasing more guys who are emotionally mature enough to acknowledge their past but not wish it differently. Finally, do your best to chat up a guy who hasn’t recently broken up with anyone, and you’ll find someone who’s fully committed to you.
Dear Never the One,
Before we go any further, we need to address something so sit back, relax, and take a slow, deep breathe. Ready? You are absolutely, positively more than good enough. Promise me you’ll never, ever forget that (and that goes for all of you collegiettes out there reading this, too)!
Okay, now that we got that cleared up, on to your problem. Ready for this? Drum roll please: every guy you had a problem with wasn’t over his ex! That’s it and it’s actually good news for you. All it means is that you need to take things a bit slower, get to know them personally, and allow them to be comfortable with you. The best relationships come from being friends first, so if there is a level of trust and understanding between the two of you, then there’s a better chance of you having a great relationship. Keep in mind that if he seems to get over you really fast, it isn’t a problem with you; it’s simply that he was never quite capable of fully being into you in the first place because he was never fully over her. When it comes to guys, we don’t fall very often, but when we do we fall hard. If it seems as though you didn’t make an impression, it’s probably because you didn’t. That most likely isn’t a reflection of you though; instead, it simply means he was blinded by the feelings he still had for her, no matter how hard he tried to ignore them.
Keep your chin (and your standards and expectations) up, and I’m positive you’ll have better results!