How many times have you been casually seeing or constantly texting a guy, but are totally confused as to what he wants? Is he just being friendly? Does he want to continue to hook up, but only if zero strings are involved? Or does he actually want a girlfriend? With so many mixed signals floating around, it can seem impossible to figure out whether or not he’s interested in being your boyfriend. Her Campus talked to some real college guys to help you spot the signals that say he’s just not interested in a relationship (or at least not in one with you).
1. You’ve never met any of his friends.
And, no, running into him at the dining hall and having him reluctantly introduce you to his roommate for two seconds does not count. Greg, a sophomore at New York University, says that if he is considering making a girl his girlfriend, he’s definitely going to introduce her to his best bros beforehand. “My friends’ opinions are really important to me, so, if I’m going to be dating someone, I want to make sure they meet her,” says Greg. “But if I don’t really care about the girl, I don’t really care about her meeting my friends.” If you haven’t met his friends yet, suggest that you all get together one night. If he seems reluctant, it might be a red flag.
2. He only calls you after 2 a.m.
Yes, this seems like an obvious one, but it’s shocking the excuses we make for a guy when we like him, isn’t it? It’s true that college is a crazy busy time and occasionally the only time that works for you two to see each other might be into the wee hours of the night, but it shouldn’t be every time. Let’s face it — no one is busy every minute of every day, right up until 2 a.m. on a Friday night. Daniel, a self-proclaimed “former player” at Florida State University, says that he realized he was finally ready to settle down with a girlfriend when he found someone that he wanted to hang out with when the sun was still out. “I never wanted to sacrifice any of my time doing my own thing for a girl until I met my girlfriend,” explains Daniel. “Even if I just had an hour between work and class, I’d want to see her and would do everything I could to see her.”
3. The deepest thing you know about him is that he has a sister, but you don’t even know her name.
Sure, you spend tons of time together and, yeah, you’re always talking, but about what? If your conversation isn’t going much deeper than your favorite episode of The Office, then you might need to reevaluate the situation. Think about it in terms of your friendships. Who do you value more: your girlfriends who you can tell literally any and every secret to, or your girlfriends who you meet for coffee once every other week to talk about summer internships and the weather? If you guys have been hooking up for a while and he’s still only interested in keeping the conversation light, it could be a sign that he’s not interested in making you his girlfriend.
4. He doesn’t remember any details about you.
I was once dating (and I use that term as loosely as it can be used) a guy for about three months and couldn’t figure out if he was interested in taking things to the next level. The signals he sent out were mixed. I didn’t understand why he was hanging out with me almost every night but froze up whenever the word “relationship” came up. One night we were at a party and it just clicked. He introduced me to one of his friends and said that I would be interning at Vogue that summer. “No,” I responded. “I’m interning at Seventeen.” The fact that he couldn’t remember one of the things I was most proud of (and had been mentioning for months, and had called him about in a fit of excitement upon finding out) was such a red flag. Of course, sometimes people are just forgetful. If he forgets whether you work until 7 or 8 it’s not necessarily an indication that he doesn’t care about you. But when he forgets the big stuff? That might be an indicator.
5. He disappears for weeks at time and then acts like nothing ever happened.
Things will be going great with a guy — you’re texting consistently, hanging out often, and Facebook chatting daily — when all of a sudden he goes totally off the map. It would be an impressive magic trick if it weren’t so annoying and utterly confusing. Do people get busy and overwhelmed, especially in college? Absolutely. But take some advice from Daniel (the “former player” from before), who says that even when he’s crazy stressed, he’ll make time for a girl he cares about. “When I first started hooking up with my girlfriend it was right before finals, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to see her a lot,” he says. “But I still wanted to make sure she knew I cared about her. I let her know that the next few weeks were going to be crazy, but made sure to figure out times we could hang out. Seeing her was the highlight of my stressful week.” When your guy (finally) does return from his stint at who even knows where (seriously…where does he go?), don’t just pretend nothing happened. Of course, saying, “I sent you three texts, four FB chats, and called you twice!” also won’t get you very far. Especially if his Houdini act becomes a regular thing, mention — casually — that it bothers you.
6. He tells you — point blank — that he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.
I know, I know. This seems so obvious that it doesn’t even deserve to be on this list, right? Unfortunately, even the smartest of collegiettes have found themselves thinking they can change the situation with guys who have said, quite simply, that they’re not interested in being their boyfriends. Hearing those words can be a blow to your confidence, but they are ultimately a blessing in disguise. Don’t see a clear rejection as an opportunity to Jedi mind trick a guy into liking you — see it as a chance to move on from a situation without any questions starting with “what if.”
Both Daniel and Greg agreed that everything is circumstantial (except for a flat out rejection — that only means one thing). Just because the guy you’re seeing forgets you’re a vegetarian or hasn’t introduced you to his group of friends doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you. If you find yourself lost in mixed signals, Daniel and Greg agree that it’s fine to pull over and ask for directions. “If you’ve been seeing a guy for a few months and you’re not sure if he wants to be serious, just ask him,” says Greg. “If he hesitates at all, he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.” Remember: you want a guy that jumps at the chance of being “In a Relationship” with you, not someone you tricked into being your boyfriend after months of guessing games. Sure, all the above things are annoying and potentially selfish on their part, but if you keep giving him chance after chance after chance, you can only share the blame for your heartache if it doesn’t work out. After all, there definitely is a guy out there who wants to hang out with you when the sun is out and won’t wait three weeks to do so.