Have you ever watched a guy flip through Cosmo? Brows furrow in confusion at the steps we take to perfect our hairdo. Lips turn up in snarky smirks at the bills we’ll shell out for good fashion. Eyes open wide with stupefaction and then sudden realization throughout the love sections. It’s a whole performance of facial expressions that are no doubt brought upon by one common feeling. Guys are dumbfounded by us girls. By what we think, by how we feel, by what advice we’re reading. Throw sex into that mix and welcome to the circus.
A subject that, despite how provocative our generation may be, can still remain so mysterious and mystifying is being opened, analyzed, and completely twisted in epic proportions within the pages of magazines we read every day. I don’t think guys know what to do with it. I mean, can we even imagine what they really gather from the sex tips we’re being fed that involve sour belts, turkey basters, and scrunchies? Don’t fear though, and wonder no more.
We’ve taken it upon ourselves to delve into this tricky subject and find some of the wackiest and weirdest sex tips that have ever graced the pages of popular women’s magazines and surveyed guys for their opinions. Get ready to step into the college-guy psyche because, ladies, we got in there and we’ve got just the answers you’re looking for.
The Panel:
Various college guys from all over the nation. From guys in California to North Carolina, Virginia to the U.S. Army, we’ve covered all the bases (no pun intended).
The Contenders:
The following tips all appeared in either Cosmopolitan or Redbook.
Shy girls, avert your eyes…
A. On a hot night, lick the salt off of each other’s sweaty bodies.
B. Run a rolling pin over his back and thighs during an erotic massage.
C. While you’re making out, use sour belt candies to playfully whip each other’s butts.
D. Heat up some massage oil and put it into a turkey baster. Then, use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body – from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs.
E. Start by stacking six hair scrunchies on top of each other over his package. Then, remove them one by one using your lips and tongue.
F. Create your own erotic story. With hoochymail.com, you can send your partner a personalized sexy story starring just the two of you.
G. Begin with a slightly melted ice cube in your mouth. Kiss your guys and pass it back and forth. As it gets smaller and smaller, hide it in different places so he has to try to find it with his tongue.
H. Want to turn him on in ten words or less? This naughty text will do it. “I was a BAD GIRL and spent my lunch hour shopping. You can spank me later.”
I. Stage a sprinkler seduction. Wear one of his regular white t-shirts and skip the bra. Then, run in slo-mo through the sprinkler. Be sure to do a head toss and shake out your hair when you get to the other side.
J. Warm up a chocolate bar in the microwave for 15 seconds or until it’s gooey around the edges but not totally melted. Stand in the tub without the water or on top of an old sheet and have him use the bar to draw a trail down your body. Ask him to lick it up without lifting his tongue off of your skin.
The Verdict:
Which tips was our panel most likely to try out?
E. The Sexy Scrunchies: Never thought you’d see scrunchie and sexy in the same sentence, huh?
“Anything slow and teasing is sexy!”
-Anonymous, University of North Carolina – Wilmington
“That would definitely be a turn on. It would absolutely drive me nuts and feel so good!”
-Matt, U.S. Army
F. Racy Story Time: Not exactly your beloved childhood bedtime tale.
“I enjoy the mental side of sex as much as the physical. Plus, I’d have time to fantasize about it all day and build up to when she actually gets to make good on her suggestions.”
-Tyler, North Carolina State University
“It definitely sounds adventurous and fun.”
-Anonymous college male
“If you can turn your partner on with words alone, the sex will be amazing.”
-Anonymous, Carnegie Mellon University
Which tips was our panel most confused by?
C. Sour Belt Fights: You really shouldn’t play with your food.
“That’s just plain odd.”
-Anonymous, Bowdoin College
“This may go well…if you’re into Candyland.”
-Anonymous college male
“I would not want to eat the candy after that.”
-Anonymous, James Madison University
D. Turkey Basting Fun: Let’s just leave this in the kitchen until Thanksgiving.
“Really? A turkey baster? Lol.”
-Matt, U.S. Army
“Honestly, hearing a turkey baster combined with sex just reminds me of in vitro.”
-Anonymous college male
Which tip had our panel doubled over laughing?
I. The Sprinkler Seduction: Brings us back to hot summers in second grade –but naughtier.
“This would require too much prior set-up to ensure it didn’t turn into a total goof-off.”
-Tyler, North Carolina State University
“Slo-mo only works on tape.”
-Anonymous college male
“Personally, I’d laugh and make Baywatch jokes.”
-Anonymous college male
Which tip had the panel split?
J. Drawing with Chocolate: We like chocolate just as much as the next person but…
Pro: “It’s the only one with a real aphrodisiac.”
-Anonymous college male
Con: “This has been done and never goes over well. If interrupted, it tends to look like something far more sinister.”
-Anonymous college male
Pro: “This is one of the sexiest ones on the list. Do it. Do it. Do it.”
-Anonymous, Carnegie Mellon University
Con: “I love chocolate but anything that creates a big mess, not so much fun the next day.”
-Anonymous college male
Let’s Break It Down and Discuss:
Ladies, if we can gain a couple lessons from this, one is that we shouldn’t necessarily believe everything we read. No matter how sexy Cosmo’s writers boast that a sprinkler seduction may be, our panel of real college guys obviously argues otherwise. Instead of copying exactly how to spend your time in the bedroom from a magazine, talk with your guy first and figure out what works best for the two of you. After all, you’re in a relationship with him, not your magazines, right?
This brings us to our second lesson. Never feel too shy to come to your man with ideas you want to test out. 80 percent of our panel said that their girlfriends–past and present–have come to them with sex tips from women’s magazines. And, guess what? They love it! Whether they work or end up with one of you in physical pain, just give them a try. “If either my girlfriend or I has a new idea, we run it by the other one with faith that neither of us will judge because we know the intentions are to optimize our mutual pleasure,” says Tyler from North Carolina State University.
Finally, we’ve come to the last lesson of the day. Let your guy in on the fun. Every guy that we surveyed but one admitted to having looked through the sex tips of a women’s magazine with 90 percent of them citing Cosmo as the source. So let your guy look through the magazine with you. I mean, that could be a sex tip in and of itself! If you’re still a bit iffy on that task, leave the magazine open on your desk or the kitchen counter and let him find it. We guarantee he won’t be able to pass it up.
So, now that we’ve successfully picked apart some real college guys’ brains, you’ve got the answers you’ve always been wondering about. Go grab the latest issue of Cosmo and start reading!