Her Story aims to capture the lives of college women. Through breakups and successes, these articles are more personal and give an outlet to the raw voices and emotions of our writers.
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The sound of the lovely Jhené Aiko is being played in the background while I hesitate to type up my thoughts on my laptop. She’s my only company at the moment as I snuggle into my bed. There’s so much I have to say but I struggle deeply with trying to word things the right way. I feel like the simplest things I say may spark a horrible reaction from you but if you ever come across this please try to understand that writing this was a way for me to cope with the heartbreak. Many people know my head is my worst enemy and that often times I have trouble with trying to get my voice heard but when I write, I feel like more people are able to understand.
Looking back on our time “together”, I realized I gave you too much power. I enjoyed some of the times we were in each other’s arms but because I didn’t stick up for myself enough, I let you manipulate and hurt me. However, despite some of the bullshit fights we had, I still crave the opportunity to go back to the first night we met each other and drastically change things. There’s a few particular things that I wish I had the ability to go back and fix.
I wish I wasn’t so naïve. When I met you, I wasn’t really experienced. While I chose to be that way, I wasn’t always aware if some of the things people said to me was a ticket to use me. You told me about how broken hearted you were as you were trying to hook up with me on your bed. While I didn’t do much with you that night, I wound up texting you because I thought a connection can be made from that.
I wish I didn’t rush. I gave you something special but at the time I didn’t have a serious talk to you about what we were going to be or how this would work. Instead, I just went with the flow. Yeah we got to see each other for quite a few months, but what we had wasn’t a relationship. I’ll admit I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted one, but this in-between nonsense we had grew exhausting.
I wish I was more demanding. At times I grew frustrated with you and I got a little bit nasty but that was because whenever I tried to talk about our title, you wouldn’t give me the chance to speak. A couple months into our in-between, was when you tried to claim an actual title and I tried to attack you for it. What you wanted to call us wasn’t really true. One day you got heartless and threatened to end things if I tried to push more of what we had. Another day you would try to pull me back in if I distanced myself from you or didn’t show much affection. I know you don’t like to believe it, but you were just as confusing with things like me. One day you would say you’d care and hold me close, then another day something would go in your messed up head where you push me away for showing my admiration for you. It almost became like an endless cycle; one week things would be great and it seemed we would be able to connect more. Then the next week would come and all of a sudden you would get distant.
I wish I wasn’t so emotional at times. I really hate how this year, there were a lot of people who didn’t always get to see the happy side to me. They didn’t really get to experience the girl who’s very silly, unique and constantly laughing. I feel like especially with you, you saw more sadness than happiness with me. I thought by now I would have perfected masking my emotions but unfortunately I’m the type of person who wears her feelings on her face. However, you can’t blame me for being hurt over some of the crap that happened but if there’s one thing I can apologize for, it’s that I’m sorry you weren’t always shown the bubbly, cheerful side to me.
I wish I left when I should have. Towards the end of the spring semester, I started to panic because summer was approaching and I wasn’t sure if you wanted to continue seeing me. I asked you and you said you did so I assumed there truly was real feelings there. The end of June you left without any type of closure and you completely broke my heart. What made things worse is when I saw you in the fall, I still gave you a couple chances when you reached out to me. You were with another girl but that blew up in your face because she broke up with you after barely two months.
I wish you ended things right. For someone who claims they got their heart broken and stolen by their ex, you had no problem breaking mine. Yes, you warned me many times not to get too attached but then again you still kept me around. If you were so scared, why couldn’t you have been a man and end it right? I told you that you had many opportunities to end things on a mature note but you didn’t. I remember the one time in the dead of winter we were going to 711 around 2am so I could buy you cigarettes. On the way you were telling me again not to get too attached. However, when you did that, you held my hand and spun me around like a ballerina. Like usual, we wound up snuggling close to each other and you even tucked me into bed that night and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I tried not to catch feelings but when you would do little actions such as holding my hand, it made me feel adored.
I wish we could be friends. After a year of this, I told you to hop off if you didn’t want to bother with me. I know I have told my friends a few times before that things were over but then I would wind up coming back or you’d show up out of the blue. However, this time I didn’t get any response from you. You know I can be very sensitive and excuse me if it seemed I overacted but ignoring me is cowardly. However, despite it all, I would have liked to be friends. I know it’s rare, but to end things on a good note would have been perfect with me.
I wish I could go back. Even with other things, I constantly want to go back to the past. I know the past is supposed to shape you into the person you are today but I am done of feeling like a fool. I keep debating in my head if I could back whether I should try things again or not get involved at all. My indecisiveness and fear of the unknown will forever haunt me. I am terrified of what’s to come in the future. Even if I could go back and things still needed to end, I wish I could have been given a proper goodbye.
If you ever come across this, you’ll think two things; either I am crazy or you’ll understand. If you’re angered, don’t come texting me exploding. I didn’t mention your name and I was pretty vague so if you’re pissed then obviously you have a guilty conscience. Also, this isn’t my way of saying “take me back” or whatever but I can’t help that I have a big heart. It is what it is and who knows what the future holds but I’m still confused on why you had to be so cruel at times with me.