Facebook-stalking is like picking your nose—we all do it, but no one wants to admit to it. But you’re thinking… I admit to Facebook-stalking all the time! And while that might be true, there’s a whole deeper level of Zuckerbergian prowess we’re willing to guess you keep hidden from even your BFFs. But now we’re calling you out. Read on for a list of the things we all do on Facebook but will never admit to… until now.
We stalk all of “our” guys at least once a day (more like three times a day). This goes for ex-boyfriends or ex-hook-up buddies who we would still date or hook up with if given the opportunity, guys we are currently dating or hooking up with, and guys we wish we were currently hooking up with. All we have to do is type the first letter of the guy’s name into our search bar, and he immediately comes up as the first search suggestion, despite that we have about 12 friends named David, or Jason, or Eric, and his last name is by no means the earliest in the alphabet among the friends we have with that name. You probably have a standard, efficient order you search them in each time as you do your thrice-daily rounds. What this means: quick, convenient access to his profile. What this also means: you better never look him up on Facebook when you two are hanging out, or else it will be immediately obvious how often you search his profile.
We’ve memorized the exact page, and location on the page, of the pic in which the guy we are hooking up with looks the hottest in his tagged photos, for purposes of showing our friends when they ask to see a pic of him. We have probably also downloaded this pic to our Desktop for easy attaching to emails to friends, in case his pics are private (bummer!). Though on the other hand, this means our friends don’t get to see the pic where he kind of looks like he has a beer belly. #Winning
We obsessively Facebook-stalk any girls that “our” guys become Facebook friends with, as per his Wall.
If her profile pic is of her with a BF, we’re overjoyed. If there is a BF in any of her recent profile pics, we are very happy. If there is no BF in sight in any of her pics we are able to see, we are panicked. Alternatively, if she lives in a city nowhere near “our” guy, is a vastly different age than he is (e.g., she is still in high school, or appears to be a friend of his mom’s), or has some quality we know would make her undateable for him (e.g., she’s not Jewish and he only dates Jewish girls), then it’s all good. Phew.
We post pictures we look good in… even when our friends don’t. Let’s face it—when we’re uploading a new album, all we’re really thinking about is how we can look as hot as possible in it. So if we’re rocking the arm pose in a pic where our sorority sis has a double chin or her eyes closed or is standing at a super unflattering angle… we don’t really care. If we’re nice, we won’t tag her in it. But most likely we will, because it looks awkward when we’re the only one tagged in a pic.
We Facebook-stalk other girls so we can find bathing suit pictures of them where they look bad. Let’s be real—as girls, we’re always seeking reassurance that we’re hot enough, and we’re not the only ones who don’t look like SI Swimsuitmodels when we get in a bikini. So to do so, we comb through other girls’ FB albums to prove just that. See an album pop up on your newsfeed that includes the words “Spring Break”, “Florida”, or “Hawaii”? You can bet we’re checking it out. Score if there are shots of a bunch of girls all standing on the beach next to each other in their bikinis, and we can run down the whole line pinpointing what is wrong with each of their bodies and convincing ourselves that we look better.
We have Facebook girl crushes. Just like we have “our” guys on Facebook who we make sure to check up on regularly, we also have girls whose Facebooks we love to peruse. They’re Facebook friends of ours but probably not our real life best friends, but they are gorgeous and lead exciting lives and wear super cute outfits and post lots of fun pictures, and we can’t help but ogle them. If they knew how often we looked at their pics, we’d feel super creepy.
We Facebook-stalk the family members of “our” guys. The only thing we’re more obsessed with on Facebook than “our” guys are “our” guys’ families. If a sibling or parent posts on his wall, or he actually lists them in the “Family” section of his profile (so cute!), it’s a goldmine. If not, we can always search through the guy’s friends for people with the same last name, then stalk each of them to narrow it to the ones who are actually related to him (slightly trickier if he has a last name like Smith). Once found, they are added to our daily (or at least weekly) stalking list.
So you heard what we said about posting pics where you look good, despite how your friends might look… but it comes with a caveat. We only post pictures where we’re with hot friends. Now don’t think for a minute that this makes us shallow—we all learned in Psych 1 that people are perceived as hotter when they’re standing next to a hotter person, so by doing this really we’re just being smart. Yes, those girls in our orgo study group might be really nice, but if we wouldn’t want to be seen out with them at the bars, we don’t want to be seen with them in our own Facebook album. Sorry, but it’s true. Blame Psych 1. Barely friends with the new pledges in your sorority? Who cares—you can bet that if they’re cute, we’ll be asking them to pose for a pic with us at the next mixer.
We tag pictures that we look amazing in… 5 times. Finally wind up with a pic where you actually look stunning? Hair is good, skin is good, smile looks genuine, you appear to be having fun, outfit is flattering? You better bet that pic is going to get tagged… over and over again. You’ll put it in your latest album (obv), put it as your profile pic (obv), tag yourself in the profile pic version of it too, and get your BFF to add it to her album. These kinds of legit flattering pictures are hard to come by, so we need to milk them for all they’re worth.
And on the subject of profile pictures… we’ll put a picture we look amazing in as our main pic, even if it was taken three years ago and we’ve since gained ten pounds and gotten way paler. The pic is still of us, right? Nothing disingenuous there, right? Sure, we’ll probably never be as tan and skinny again as we were the summer before college, but it never hurts to be aspirational and put your best self forward… right?
We ask our BFFs to post pics of us with “our” guy, so we don’t have to. Uploading a pic of you and your hook-up buddy to your newest FB album? Clingy. Your BFF uploading it to hernewest album? You can’t be held liable. Clearly your BFF is left to her own devices and you have no control or say whatsoever in what she posts, right? Try to pick a friend who is also friends with the guy, so she can tag him in it herself. Otherwise, tagging him in her pic two seconds after she posts it doesn’t do much for your cause. Remember—he’s a boy, and will only pick up on the fact that you tagged him in it, and will probably miss the fact that it’s in her album.
We post pics of us with our mom, if our mom is a MILF, to serve as a fantasy for guys (same goes if we have a hot sister). Doing this with a pic of you and your mom is in fact effective to multiple ends: for one thing, guys will see this pic and gather that if your mom still looks hot, therefore you too will look hot 30 years from now, therefore you must be wife material (because that’s what guys are thinking about when they’re on Facebook, right?). It will also probably cause them to fantasize about a threesome with you and your mom (same thing for you and your sister), which you will pretend to be grossed out by, but secretly you’re actually thrilled about (not that you would actually do it, but no harm in them thinking about it).
So there you have it! Now that the Facebook Wizard of Oz has been outed, we no longer need to have any shame. Or do we…