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Sex + Relationships

Suck This, Vampires–We’re not that into you anymore: Why Pop Culture Vampire Guys Are Bad For You

Vampires, despite having an icy cold body temperature, are so hot right now. I’ll pretend that this doesn’t bother me (where was this trend eight years ago when I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Buffy could kick Bella’s whiny, pouty ass. And Spike is hotter than Edward. A lot hotter. But I digress.) HC readers, this vampire trend is DANGEROUS. Girls who fall prey to vampire obsession are like guys who watch so much porn they forget how to appreciate a real woman who has boobs that are smaller than cantaloupes and hair besides what’s on her head. It’s not reality. When you try to join reality again and date the boys who live there, you’ll be in for some serious culture shock.

People keep spouting the virtues of vampires: forever young, extra-pretty, sparkly in the sunlight (or fiery, depending on your opinion), super-strong, blah blah blah. But what about their flaws? Here, in no particular order, are the reasons why you should stop fantasizing about RPatz and the gang (who, by the way, doesn’t actually shower) and appreciate the boys around you.

Totally gratuitous picture of Jason Stackhouse. You’re welcome.

They have weird accents. Like this one. Bill, are you southern or are you secretly playing a game of Fluffy Bunny? Also, even though vampires are supposed to be uber-attractive, this non-vampire (above) from True Blood is easily a hundred times hotter than aforementioned Bill.

This is actually not a picture of Billy Idol.

They have this ugly side… Not like an ugly personality (which is pretty okay with us, depending on how well they compensate with an attractive face.) Whenever they turn all vampire-y, they get scary-ugly. Veins popping out, eyes going black, foreheads all smushy; it’s creepy.

Their “I’m concentrating, my eyes are so penetrating” face usually looks stupid. See above.

Even Taylor Swift thinks they’re lame. She’s dating the werewolf instead.

Doesn’t this look like fun?

Apparently they can’t even hook up with you: Because being a vampire’s girlfriend is all about tension. Like they want you but they can’t have you because they might lose control and kill you. (Oops.) Well, tension makes for great television and all but how much fun do you think that would be in a real relationship? “Hey babe, I’d love to kiss you but I’ve got this bloodlust thing, let’s just sit in the grass and stare at each other.” He might not get old, but that setup definitely will.

When there’s something strange, in your neighborhood…

They do that disappear-and-woosh-right-behind-you-thing, even when it’s completely unnecessary. Also, if you can find a single example of a vampire who does not sneak into the bedroom of the girl he loves and watch her sleep all night long, post it in the comments and there is a prize in this for you. In most cultures this is referred to as “breaking-and-entering,” “stalking,” and “being a psycho.” In vampire world it is romantic. However, please try to remember that we live in the real world where boys who crawl through your window while you lie asleep and defenseless are bad news bears.

Gratuitous picture of Paul Newman. Again, you’re welcome.

They’re a lot older than you. Not like “Oooh, I hooked up with my TA!” older. Not even Johnny Depp older, or Paul Newman circa The Sting older. These guys tend to be at least a century old. Why exactly are they still attracted to sixteen-year-old girls? Have you met guys in their twenties who still hit on girls in high school? (“I keep getting older, but they stay the same age!”) In most educated circles, these are men are known as guys who are incapable of getting a girl their own age. Not exactly boyfriend material.

Jess (Penn ’11) left her Pleasantville-esque hometown of Berkeley Heights, New Jersey to study English and creative writing. At Penn, she has been an editor of 34th Street magazine and its blog, underthebutton.com. Jess is also the Adventure Editor of The Lost Girls travel website. If you find a way to score her Bruce Springsteen tickets, she’ll probably marry you or at least make out with you. She had a pretty deprived childhood (no TV allowed on school nights) and is compensating for lost time by consuming pop culture like Don Draper downs martinis. This summer she worked as the entertainment intern at Seventeen magazine, where she hugged Kellan Lutz. Unrelated fun fact: Jess is a book nerd who will read just about anything that is not a Twilight book. Sorry, Kellan.
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