Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male? This time we’ve called on TWO of our Real Live College Guys to demystify this collegiette’s tricky sitch.
So this guy and I had hooked up a couple times last semester and kept in touch over the summer. We were really flirty but also growing closer and he would always say things about missing me/wishing I was there, etc. This semester we’ve hung out a couple times and finally moved beyond just making out when we hooked up. He told me he liked me that night, and then hooked up with another girl the next night and they’ve been a thing ever since. We weren’t exclusive so he didn’t do anything wrong, but why would he pretend to feel anything more than he did? If he actually liked me, I feel like he wouldn’t be in this new situation all of a sudden. I obviously was already hooking up with him, so why did he try to pretend it was anything more than physical for him? – Misled at MSU
Real Live College Guy Ryan:
Misled,
He probably felt that he needed to qualify the hook-up as “something more” just to please you. This is a naïve view of women’s sexual tendencies, i.e., that women only sleep with guys who affectionately care for them. Like you said, he did nothing wrong in his actions, but he felt that your hooking up with him had to mean something more. However, it really didn’t.
This is a simple (and gross) misunderstanding of how men perceive women to work. His reasoning is almost outdated. Guys are preconditioned to think that women only care about mushy love, whereas women believe we only act specifically through what’s in our pants. Pigeonholing both sexes to that form of shallow reasoning isn’t fair.
Note his previous behaviors. He would always mention, “missing you,” “wishing you were there,” etc. Really all he wanted was a physical hook-up. He felt that if he were honest with you about feeling that way, then you would’ve felt slighted and taken advantage of. What he failed to do was actually talk about the hooking up. Through discussing your relationship he may have found out that all you wanted was something physical and nothing more.
Now, you might’ve actually had feelings for him. If you did, then the hooking up might’ve complicated your intentions. He could’ve been genuinely sincere when he said “I miss you,” and that’s not out of the question. However, unless you were vocal about liking him, he’s going to consider your relationship as purely sexual. It’s hard to change his mind now that he’s in a relationship, but the opportunity to change the dynamic towards romance was there. At this point chalk it up to a missed opportunity because neither of you were honest in what you wanted.
Despite your situation’s possible translations, it all comes to lack of relationship transparency from both of you. He might’ve wanted something more, and you might’ve as well, but he wouldn’t have bolted so quickly if he did.
Real Live College Guy Joel:
Misled,
I absolutely sympathize with your hurt feelings but…oh God…ew…gross…this guy sounds totally disgusting. Don’t make excuses for him by saying that you “weren’t exclusive.” The two of you were in a sexual relationship, and he was telling you he had serious feelings for you. Exclusivity can be assumed. This jerk should not be throwing this kind of romantic language around if he did not mean it.
He has led you on, regardless of whether or not he meant to hurt you. It’s entirely possible he was just saying these things to get you to have sex with him. More likely, he was genuinely attracted to you and then just callously decided he was more attracted to this other girl. Some immature male attentions shift quickly, and girls are hurt in the balance. It’s time to wake up. This guy was totally wrong for you. Find a guy who will take things more slowly, and not say things to you that he can’t back up with his actions. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this, but try looking at your mistreatment as a learning experience about the kind of guy to avoid in the future.