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Sex + Relationships

Real Live College Guy: We Almost Had Sex & Now He’s Being Weird

Whether you’re dating your boyfriend long distance, thinking about calling up your ex, or wondering whether you’ll run into that cutie you hooked up with at last weekend’s party on campus, we collegiettes don’t always have the answers to our love and relationships questions. That’s why we’re introducing our newest additions to the Her Campus team: Real Live College Guys Sean and Pat! Pat Bradley joins us as a junior from Merrimack College and Sean McFarland is a senior from the University of Pittsburgh. Besides being some pretty hunky upperclassmen, these RLCGs are ready to offer their shrewd, albeit snarky insight into college love! Be sure to look for their letters in the future and submit your own query in the submission box below.

This guy started flirting with me and I thought he was cute, so appropriately I flirted back. We didn’t see each other often, but when we did he was definitely interested. The other day at a concert we danced and he made a move, we did everything but the deed because I wanted to see if there was anything more there. He had no problem when I said no to sex and we cuddled and spooned all night and he said he would see me the next day. He texted me the next morning and said he had a “really great time,” but when I saw him in person he was super shy and awkward. I have no idea whether or not to pursue him now and I don’t want to come off as clingy or needy. He’s a really nice guy and I think it has potential if I just knew how to approach it. – Confused at Cornell

Sean McFarland:

Confused,

The way you handled yourself after the concert was a good move. By holding off on hooking up with him right away, you definitely showed him that you have self-respect. This lets him know that you’re for real and not just looking for a quick hook-up. Unfortunately, when guys like us are laying down our best moves on you to the classy soundtrack of a Barry White CD, it’s always hard to get rejected. Based on what you’ve said about him, I like this guy. But while many men may seem like real sweethearts when they get denied, it can hurt his ego.

However, since he sounds like he is genuinely interested, he probably feels a bit awkward because, quite frankly, he got shut down rounding third and heading for home. This is completely normal. Luckily, the distinction between a big jerk and a nice guy is made here. When this guy sent you a text the morning after, he most likely felt a bit awkward, because he might have been unsure about how you felt about how the evening went.

Shooting him a text or two (as long as it’s not 10) won’t come off as clingy whatsoever and will reassure him that you’re still interested. Actually, it will put him at ease about his moves in your personal concert encore. Show some interest, shoot him a casual text, and see if he wants to grab a slice somewhere on campus. If it works out, before you know it, you’ll be flirting it up non-stop.

Pat Bradley:

Dear Confused,

I don’t blame you! You’re in a very sticky, potentially really awesome, yet overly confusing situation that is leading you in a few different directions. The first thing to note is that you need to be confident in whatever decision you make because a) the confidence is attractive b) confidence saves a little face if it goes poorly and c) if you don’t believe in the relationship’s potential, why should he?

There are a few things we need to touch upon before we delve into the solutions though. First of all, showing that you’re interested either by flirting, dancing at a concert, or even hooking up shouldn’t intrinsically imply that we, as guys, want to date you. Can they be contributing factors and supporting evidence in the case? Absolutely. Is this usually the case? Typically not in college. It sounds like you caught this guy’s eye, he had the confidence (or a bit of luck) to start up a conversation, and so you started flirting. Great. As the relationship developed, so did some sexual tension, hence the dancing and hooking up. Here’s the thing girls need to know about dancing with a guy at a social event like a party or concert: in most cases, there’s only three reasons we want to dance with you. We want to dance with you either because we want to hook up with you, we want to sleep with you, or we don’t want to be that guy standing in the corner with his backpack on and not dancing with someone. Don’t read into the dancing.

As for the hooking up, this opens up a whole new can of worms. To start, kudos to you for not giving in right away. As frustrating as that can be for both of you, it’s also very respectable and a guy worth dating will appreciate that. Fortunately for you, he seems like a nice guy. He respected your “no” to sex, cuddled with you all night, and even texted you the next day. However, this guy could very easily just be a classy hook-up. This means that he’s a stereotypical guy who simply wants to hook up, but will go through the process in a gentlemanly manner and not burn his bridges in case of a hook-up in the future. It’s a clever trick a few of us have mastered, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Believe it or not, guys have feelings too. I don’t know him, but it’s very possible he just got nervous and wasn’t sure how you were feeling about everything that had happened. This means there’s a good chance he wants the exact same thing you do. Ultimately, you need to decide for yourself where you want this to go. Then, simply just have a conversation with him. Guys are very concrete; we can’t read your mind! Tell him how you feel, but don’t totally invest yourself in it emotionally in case he lets you down. In the end, the best case scenario is that he wants something more and the worst case scenario is that he simply says “no thanks.” Either way, you’ll have the answer you need to move forward in the appropriate direction.

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Sean is a senior at the University of Pittsburgh majoring in communications and minoring in film studies. Attending NYU in the fall to pursue a Masters in Journalism, Sean enjoys writing about virtually anything. In his time at Pitt, Sean has worked as a DJ for an automotive program on campus and abroad in London.Sean is originally from Rhode Island, which is far from Pittsburgh, but he is fond of the scenic drive. Sean likes tea instead of coffee, photography, and fire alarm testing (through his cooking). Sean also enjoys playing guitar and piano, skiing, golfing, and practical jokes. You can follow Sean on Twitter at @seanmcfarland1.
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