Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male? Real Live College Guy Joel (replete with a name way cooler than those of RLCGs Joe and Joey) is here to help you out, call you out, write you a poem to show you’re great and to stop worrying, etc. From major emotional drama to the minutiae of social interaction, use him as your one-stop shop for guy advice.
I recently went out with three of my guy friends who brought one of their friends I’ve seen around and always thought was attractive (but had never really introduced myself to). That night, we really hit it off and ended up going to another bar just by ourselves. He was one of the nicest guys I’ve ever talked to (our conversations were actually meaningful, stretching from the most important things in our lives to our views on contemporary moral issues). He ended up coming back to my place. We fooled around, but didn’t have sex. We even spooned soberly for an hour in the morning and he kissed me goodbye. Thing is, he never asked for my number. I’ve seen him since and he’s been really cool/polite and doesn’t avoid me. Question is: what the heck did I do wrong? -Wishing It’d Go Right in Wisconsin
Wishing It’d Go Right,
Don’t you just hate that? You think you have a connection with someone, only to find that you’ve gotten your hopes up for nothing. What we seem to have here is a guy who is sensitive, intelligent and seems to not be interested in you. Womp. Sorry.
I’m not sure you did anything wrong, per se; it may just be an issue of compatibility that you can’t really help. I did wince at the mention of “the most important things in our lives” and especially “contemporary moral issues.” It sounds like you’re looking for a guy who’s very passionate, philosophical and literate, as well as open about his views. That’s great! But a lot of guys, myself included, feel uncomfortable talking about profound and divisive issues when first getting to know a girl. You really need to be careful about what you share when you’re first getting to know someone. This guy may have been freaked out by how ready you were to discuss these things, and maybe he just really didn’t like your viewpoints. Please don’t despair. You’re not doomed to have to superficially flirt. As this guy proved, dudes can have interesting opinions, and some may like a girl who’s really open about her views. Others, however, might not feel comfortable sharing serious, private things when first talking to a girl.
Ironically, even though most guys don’t feel comfortable opening up when they first talk to a girl, almost every guy feels comfortable hooking up after first talking to her. This guy should not have gone home with you, even if you didn’t go all the way. Although he led you on for that one night, it sounds like he’s behaved pretty well recently, nice but aloof. Besides the earlier mentioned possibility, what happened really is out of your control. This guy may have just gotten out of a relationship and doesn’t want to get remotely involved emotionally with someone new. He might be dealing with any number of personal issues and, going along with what I suggested already, doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it. Whatever his reasons, you need to let the matter go, and stop talking to this guy at all if seeing him hurts your feelings. Chalk it up to a compatibility issue and leave it at that, besides maybe watching how serious you make your initial conversations with guys.