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Wellness > Sex + Relationships

Real Live College Guy Joel: When You’re the Only One Going the Distance

Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male?  Real Live College Guy Joel (replete with a name way cooler than those of RLCGs Joe and Joey) is here to help you out, call you out, write you a poem to show you’re great and to stop worrying, etc. From major emotional drama to the minutiae of social interaction, use him as your one-stop shop for guy advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We are long distance, Chicago and New York, but he refuses to come visit me. I go home to Chicago where we both live and visit him all the time whether at school downstate or at home. How can I approach the visiting situation without sounding clingy or pushy? — Stressed About Long Distance at Lehigh

Stressed About Long Distance,
First of all, take a deep breath. If your boyfriend wants a relationship, and for you to visit him, then he clearly likes you. This is not a deal-breaker. I would still agree that he’s not pulling all his weight in the relationship though. He probably honestly thinks he’s busier than you are and can’t travel. Maybe he just doesn’t care for ruralish Pennsylvania. Either way, he’s being self-centered. I have never been in a long-distance relationship and I’m not sure I could do it. This thing must be tough, and you can’t do it alone. He needs to give as much as you do. Again, I don’t think this means he doesn’t care about you; he’s just clueless to your feelings. You need to make him aware that this matters to you.
Tell him that it’s important to you that he makes the trip to you. Frame it as it being a desire for him to meet all of your great friends at school and see what your life there is like. Try to choose a big weekend at Lehigh that he would especially enjoy. Don’t say that he’s not trying hard enough to make the relationship work. Try to keep the tone as light as possible, while reminding him that you’re a busy woman with your own college life. If he still bizarrely refuses to visit, then bring up all the times you have visited, and ask for his reasoning. Most importantly, approach all of this with a sense of perspective. This has not yet turned into a larger problem, but it could if you just passive aggressively let it bother you without addressing it. This shouldn’t be a “test” of whether your boyfriend really likes you, but it is a good way of evaluating if your relationship needs work. So, calm down and speak up before you stress out.

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