Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male? Real Live College Guy Joel (replete with a name way cooler than those of RLCGs Joe and Joey) is here to help you out, call you out, write you a poem to show you’re great and to stop worrying, etc. From major emotional drama to the minutiae of social interaction, use him as your one-stop shop for guy advice.
I’ve had pretty serious feelings for this one guy for a really long time. Now that we’re in junior year, I want to act on them, but I don’t want to freak him out. Saying “I love you. I’ve always loved you” feels a bit too “Grey’s Anatomy” or phony. How can I tell him that I’ve felt this way for almost three years without making him run in the other direction? Should I even tell him?— Ready For the Next Step at Rollins
Ready For the Next Step,
You are correct. “Grey’s Anatomy” is not the blueprint for how you should proceed. I’m encouraged by your realization of this. Before you think about if you should say anything, you need to think about what has been holding you back for so long. Are you just generally shy with guys? Is he a good friend? Is this some Aaron Samuels from Mean Girls thing where your only interactions involve him asking what the date is?
In all seriousness, though, evaluate whether your feelings are strong enough to risk whatever friendship you have. He might not feel the same way about you and be unwilling to give you a chance. If he rejects you things may get awkward, and if you have a friendship it may suffer. I just want you to consider that outcome before you say anything. When I have been in these situations, I decided that I felt better being honest and assertive, even if I had to lose the friendship of a girl I cared about, but I know others who have felt differently.
If you decide to go through with this, avoid any grand proclamations. Don’t envision a scenario where the pair of you are alone, walking on a starlit beach, then you spill everything and you two kiss. It works in movies, not in real life. This is going to take time. You need to build up to this with your actions. Begin texting or calling him more frequently, not multiple times a day of course, maybe three times a week. Begin asking him to casually hang out with you. Compliment him more about how funny and smart he is; lightly touch him once in a while. Forget about the years of longing and just flirt with him like you would with a guy you just became interested in.
Take a wait-and-see approach while you’re doing this. If he seems freaked out, you need to take a step back and try to get over your feelings for him. If he responds enthusiastically, wait a couple weeks, and until you two are doing something together, to tell him how you feel. Again, don’t articulate how strong your feelings have been. Just say you’ve always had kind of a crush on him but you were always too shy to say anything. In other words, be honest without letting everything flow out.
I’m most concerned about you having regrets. If you decide to say nothing or he rejects you, accept your actions and don’t live in the past. Take whatever happens as a learning experience and next time, don’t wait so long to be honest about expressing your feelings.