Desperately trying to understand the inscrutable mind of the college male? Real Live College Guy Joel (replete with a name way cooler than those of RLCGs Joe and Joey) is here to help you out, call you out, write you a poem to show you’re great and to stop worrying, etc. From major emotional drama to the minutiae of social interaction, use him as your one-stop shop for guy advice.
I’ve been hooking up with this one guy for a few months now. All his friends have gone out of their way to tell me that he’s not a good guy and will cheat on me, but he’s been nothing but sweet so far. Is it possible for a guy to change and that he likes me enough not to cheat or should his friends telling me to stay away be a red flag?- Happily Hooking Up at Hofstra
Happily Hooking Up,
I’m not exactly haunted by a reputation for being a player. I’m too open about how much I like cats. But I do believe that a guy once interested only in hooking up as frequently as possible can change his attitude for the right girl. At the same time, you’re only hooking up with this guy. You should assume nothing because this is not a committed relationship. If you care about him and these rumors are bothering you, then you need to ask him to clarify some things about his shady past.
If you have been with this guy for some time, then your instincts are likely right. It would be one thing if you had only just begun hooking up, but he’s still treating you well after a few months. He genuinely likes you and you shouldn’t look too closely into that. He may just thrive in a more relaxed relationship like yours. Do you trust the people telling you these things or know the details of whatever events occurred? It is really easy to make generalizations based on a few screw-ups. These friends may know this guy pretty well and still be judging him for events about which they don’t know the details.
I don’t think this is some jerk who intends to cheat on you, but undoubtedly he’s made mistakes in the past. You need to address that openly with him. You’re listening to gossip about him after you’ve been together for months; that’s really unhealthy for your relationship. You need to ask him directly about some of the stories you have heard. Be honest about your difficulty reconciling your experiences with him and these stories. Really open it up for him to share his perspective. Don’t just recount the gossip and ask him to refute it. Rather than ask “I heard this… is it true?” ask “What happened with this girl?” That way you can give him a chance to tell you the truth without making it accusatory. Be prepared for an answer you may not like. However, I think with this method he would be forced to be honest with you, and put his past baggage out in the open.