Ever wonder what guys think, how to deal with them, or whether instead of listening to you they just imagine you naked? Our Real Live College Guy Joe will answer all your questions about men and relationships with wit, clarity, grace, and physical attractiveness (can you tell he wrote this intro himself?) all while imagining you fully clothed! Well, usually – he is a college guy.
How do you straddle the line between coming on too strong versus playing too hard to get? I’ve heard guys don’t like it when you play too hard to get, but on the other hand you don’t want to seem too available. I’m talking early stages with a guy, when maybe you meet at a party, then he texts you, then you meet up that weekend, or maybe go on a coffee date or something, and then are wondering whether to text him, or ask him on a second date, or try to meet up with him that weekend, etc. How do you navigate the waters of the early stages without either coming on too strong or playing too hard to get? I want him to know I’m interested but I don’t want to seem so interested that he loses interest…
– Murky at Missouri
Whoa! Slow down there, Murky. You think you can just log into this website and start asking me questions like that? I haven’t even met you! Do you want to, like, marry me or something?
That was an example of the kind of answer you will not get if you express interest in a guy. Not to say that you expressed interest in me by sending in your question. But there’s always time to start. My point is that it’s nice to be liked. Unless you’re a known stalker-murder, a guy won’t be thrown off just because you’ve taken a special interest in him.
Of course, there are some rules about how you should express your interest. These rules depend on the context of your interaction and what you want to get out of it, whether it is a date, a foot rub, or an experiment with autoerotic asphyxiation – or all three. First, I will discuss playing hard to get: when to do so, how much is too much, and how much I hate it. I will then do the same with coming on too strong. Aren’t you excited? Whoa, cool it! Who do you think you are, getting all excited over my column and stuff? Jeez.
[pagebreak]
Playing Hard to Get
In Party Situations: I wish more than one person would read my column (Hi, Mom) because I have something important to tell the women of the world. PLEASE, POR FAVOR, SI VOUS PLAIT, BEEP-BEEP-BOOP-BOOP (for all my robot readers), DO NOT PLAY TOO HARD TO GET. You know what I’m talking about. You flirt and/or dance with a guy. The tonsil-hockey is clearly inevitable. But, just as his favorite song starts (“Love Story” by Taylor Swift, obviously) you leave and go hang with your girls. You’re done with him right? Oh, no. You keep looking back at him, giggling, bumping into him on your 35th trip to the bathroom. Do not do this. You may think you’re whetting his appetite, but really, you’re drying it (yay pun!). Seriously, there is nothing more annoying than playing overly hard to get, which I’ve probably said in each of my columns. I need a mountaintop to stand on and yell, “Listen to me!”
Elsewhere: If you’ve already met a guy at a party and have gone on a date with him, as you specify in your question, or if you’ve known the guy for a while and want to date, you should feel free to make the first move. Sure, a girl shouldn’t seem easy, and she should wait for him to call on her while she sits fanning herself in her parlor and pick her up in his carriage for high tea. But this situation is only realistic for the Queen of England (Hi, Queen, if you’re reading). Plus, if you’ve already been on a date, it is by no means weird if you ask him on another. If he seems evasive, there’s a good chance he’s not interested anymore – but at least you tried. As someone wise once said, there are other fish in the sea whom you can take to your next party to make that douchebag jealous. And, 9 times out of 10, the only reason he hasn’t contacted you yet is because he’s feeling the same anxiety you’re feeling.
Caveat: You should need to maintain a certain level of distance and respectability. If guys think they can get you easily, no one’s even going to try. Choose whom you open up to carefully, let him know you’re interested, but don’t immediately undress and fling yourself into his arms. Dating isn’t interesting if the guy doesn’t have to make an effort – plus, it is in these efforts that you will get to know one another.
Coming On Too Strong
In Party Situations: When you come on strong, shaking your hindquarters even when there’s no music and making out with anything at eye-level, you’re sure to get a guy. However, you are not in store for a long, emotionally fulfilling relationship, unless the ability to booty-dance and make out simultaneously is your only requirement for a husband. If all you want is a night of passionate sex, then by all means pick a lucky guy and go for it. But if you have your eye on a dateable prospect, maintain a lady-like distance and only touch his lips with yours for a goodnight kiss or CPR.
Elsewhere: While I think women in this day and age should be free to ask guys on dates and drive guys on dates and pay for guys on dates, don’t go overboard. Think about it: has a guy you liked ever taken things way too quickly, and, like, started talking about marriage and kids and a house and being buried in the same graveyard before you’ve officially learned each other’s names yet? He was crazy, right? If you act that way, guys will find you crazy, too. Just use your judgment. Asking him to coffee is fine; asking him to coffee with your entire extended family and the pastor of your church, probably not a good idea.