Do you ever find yourself shrugging your shoulders and settling on the “boys will be boys” conclusion? Real Live College Guy Andy is here to show you that mature men do (in fact) exist. He has an uncanny ability to sort out the good guys from the bad apples and is here to bring you the best in college love advice.
I met my boyfriend last spring while he cheated on his ex-girlfriend with me (I’m not the first girl he cheated with, but he swears I was the last). He was a good friend but I wasn’t expecting a relationship. I went away for the summer and saw him a few times over the fall semester but still wasn’t expecting much, though I definitely liked him. Then over winter break we started hanging out a lot more, and he told me he was in love with me and broke up with his ex. I was still skeptical but he did everything he could to convince me that this was the real deal and that he really liked me. We started dating and everything was great, but I was still really wary of trusting him. Then finally this summer I brought up all my issues with him—that he’s always secretive with his phone, that for all the times I’ve asked, he’s never introduced me to his parents/family or his other friends (outside our shared group of friends), and that he was starting to get distant. He had explanations/excuses for everything and then said that I’d never be able to trust him, that he’d rather break up right now than have a huge fight, etc. (He views my trust issues as not applicable because he says he never cheated on me, only on someone else, and obviously I don’t see it that way.) He turned a lot of issues that I felt were about him back on me. I said I wasn’t ready to give up and we agreed to work on it, but since then not much has changed. I’ve asked him several times if he still loves me and wants to be with me and he always says he does, but I’m getting frustrated. He says he’s willing to work on it, that he’ll try, and then nothing happens—while I feel like I’m doing all the work in holding us together. This has been going on for about two months now. I don’t know what to do—I love him and I don’t want to break up with him, but it’s difficult dating him when he doesn’t make the effort he used to, and won’t respect that my point of view is valid too. Should I keep hanging on in hopes that he will come around or is it time to move on? — Frustrated at FDU
Frustrated, I have one question for you: are you happy? If the answer isn’t yes on more days than not, then this isn’t the right guy for you. Clearly you cannot trust him. I mean he swears you were the last girl he cheated with but that implies there were numerous girls before you. Who does he think he is? Hugh Hefner?
While cheating can be forgiven in certain circumstances, those second chances must be earned, not given. Considering his history, if he wants to prove to you that you are “the one” as we call it, then he should do everything he can to make it clear that all he wants is you. Therefore, he shouldn’t be secretive with his phone, he should be telling you to look through it. How can he expect you not to be skeptical if he isn’t being an open book? If he has nothing to hide and you are the love of his life, then he should be able to share anything and everything with you.
Also, if you two are really in love, how can he refuse to introduce you to his family? Loving couples meet each other’s parents, that’s the typical social norm and it should be an enjoyable social norm at that. Personally, I love meeting the girlfriend’s parents, seeing where they come from and meeting those that raised her, letting them know how much I appreciate their daughter.
Simply put, this boyfriend of yours sounds like one shady fella who is not worth your time. While I understand forgiving a guy for a one-time cheating incident, this guy sounds like he was a serial cheater. How can someone like that ever be trusted? Relationships are equal partnerships and he isn’t nearly pulling his weight. It’s time to move on.