Ever wanted to get inside a girl’s mind? Want to know whether all girls are crazy, or if you just don’t quite understand them (hint: it’s the 2nd one…)? Luckily, Real Live College Girl Cassidy is here to answer all your questions about women and relationships, with poise, charisma, and a little bit of humor. And don’t worry, she won’t judge you on your questions… unless you seem cute. Pass this on to your guy friends and boyfriends, collegiettes™!
I’ve been told to completely stay away from using the word “crazy” when in an argument with a girl. But what if the girl is actually acting crazy? Should we just rephrase and say something like “you’re not crazy, but you sure are acting like it”? Are there any other good ways to get the point across WITHOUT using the word “crazy”?
– Emotional at Emerson College
You are definitely right – never use the word “crazy” when arguing with a girl, unless you want the argument to end in a break-up. I mean, go right ahead, if you want that to be the last thing you say to her. But if you want the argument to eventually end, and your relationship to go back to being a good one, then stay away from the word “crazy.”
That said, how to avoid using the word “crazy”? If the girl is actually acting crazy (which, I must admit, we girls sometimes do…), I think there’s only one thing you can do while keeping your dignity and relationship intact – leave the room. Just walk away, take a breather, get out of the room before it turns into an ultimate screaming fest. If you stay, you’ll probably just end up saying something you’ll regret. She will respect you for being the one to initiate taking a breather. Keep in mind she’s not a completely crazy person all the time (or else you wouldn’t be dating her, right?), so you leaving will give her the chance to calm down and think about what the fight is actually about. She’ll then return to her non-crazy self, and realize that she doesn’t hate you and doesn’t want to argue with you forever… hopefully.
You don’t even need to completely leave the apartment/building/wherever you are. You just need to get far enough away where the two of you don’t have to stare at each other in anger. Go into a different room in the apartment/dorm, or wherever is convenient. And don’t just storm out of the room unannounced. “I think we both just need to calm down for a bit, so I’m going to leave the room, and I’ll be back in a few minutes,” “I don’t want to keep fighting with you, so I’m going to walk away for a minute, and I’ll call you later,” or (this one will probably get you the most brownie points) “I hate fighting with you, so let’s just take a breather, I’m going to go into my room (or the bathroom, wherever), and I’ll come back in a few.”
Ari*, from Emerson College, said he once used this tactic, and went into the bathroom for a few minutes.
“It worked really well. She was being completely crazy, and I didn’t want to say anything I would regret. So I swallowed my words, went into the bathroom and sat there for a few minutes, let her calm down. And when I came back out, we had sex, and dated for almost a month after that.”
Katie, from Fordham University, also thinks leaving the room is a good choice.
“I think the best tactic is to just step away and not talk for about half an hour until both people cool down. When you talk in a calm, rational manner, you both tend to say things that are more logical and constructive.”
In a survey of Her Campus readers, some college students had other ideas of how to avoid calling your significant other crazy:
“Bring up something you both enjoy, or something you did together.” –Willie, Washington State University
“Instead of thinking of insults that will most likely slip during a heated argument, it’s better to take a breath and ask a question such as, “why did you say that” or “why are you acting that way?” I would only be calling my boyfriend crazy because I wouldn’t understand his perspective or actions. Instead of pissing him off, I would rather try to hear his side, just like I would in any fight with another friend.” –Elle, University of Iowa
“You can say, look I don’t know what you’re talking about or why you’re arguing with me, but if you can’t communicate with me what you want or what you’re upset about, then there is no way I can help you. ‘Listen, I love you, you’re a great girl, but right now you’re acting a little weird/ being a little demanding, etc.’” –Conrad, The College of William & Mary
But some guys choose to actually use the word crazy… Here’s what a few girls have to say about that:
“Girls get mad when boys call them crazy because they know they are crazy. I believe every girl has a little crazy inside of her. It’s called estrogen.” –Janine, Suffolk University
“In high school, my boyfriend explained that I was crazy because I was overreacting to another girl calling him at two in the morning for three days straight asking for his help with her own relationship issues (this girl’s boyfriend was one of his friends). A month later he asked her to his prom… It was toward the end of our relationship when we were already annoyed with each other on little issues… We would go out to the movies just so we didn’t have to speak to each other for more than ten minutes.” –Elle, University of Iowa
“My ex-boyfriend – emphasis on ex – called me crazy once when I was crying because I didn’t want him to break up with me. Needless to say, we broke up.” –Anonymous
“No boy has ever called me crazy without me slapping them right afterwards.” –Anonymous
But some boys still use the forbidden “C” word. So why do they do it? And what kinds of responses do they usually get?
“I date exclusively crazy girls, so I have to say it. The reaction is almost never positive, but by the point I’m telling them they’re crazy, they’ve already gotten to a point where they won’t listen to reason.” –Anonymous
“I have called girls crazy plenty, and the girls always: 1) either realize that they were sounding/being crazy, 2) start sobbing, or 3) deal with their problems with someone else (thank god).” –Conrad, The College of William & Mary
“She knew she was crazy. She was lying about not getting texts and who she was hanging out with and she admitted to lying, so I didn’t feel bad. I was right in my accusation.” –Willie, Washington State University
“I’ve called a lot of girls crazy, because girls are crazy a lot. I usually say, ‘You need to calm down, you’re being a little crazy right now.’ And I get one of two outcomes: the girl either tries to calm down, or they get mad and leave the room.” –Matt, Emerson College
So there you have it, boys and girls. Avoid using the word “crazy,” whenever possible, unless you want to run the risk of Matt’s second outcome – her leaving you – or being slapped in the face. So just leave the room, take a breather, and continue the fight – er, conversation – in a few minutes, when you’ve both had a chance to catch your breath… and your sanity.
And if your significant other actually is crazy all the time – well, then maybe they’re not the one for you…!
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How important is competition in relationships? i.e., When you’re arguing, should the guy always win or should the girl? Do girls want to compete?
– Battling at British Columbia
I personally hate competition in relationships. I don’t think anyone should have to compete – relationships should be fun, happy, and equal.
However, I am a “Real Live”College Girl, not the “Idealistic” College Girl… so I’ll be real: Relationships are definitely competitive (unfortunately).
Wow, there’s a lot of screaming going on in this week’s column – calm down, people!
There are a lot of different kinds of competition that can occur in relationships: career competition, athletic competition, social life competition… but the one you’re referring to is fight competition: i.e., who wins each argument.
Fight competition is annoying. Arguing in general is annoying.
I do, however, think that competition in a fight or argument can usually be avoided, if both people in the relationship are strategic. Instead of making arguments “Win/Lose” – where one of you has to win and the other has to lose – try to turn them into more of a discussion, and just solve the issues and problems at hand. If you’re like me, and you don’t like fighting with your significant other (and if you do like fighting, you’re weird… sorry), then you want to get the arguing over as soon as possible, right? And the way to do that is to keep the argument at its most basic level. Don’t turn it into a huge thing of “well, she won last time, so I better win this one!” or “what does this fight mean for our relationship at large?” – just get in and get out (isn’t that boys’ general motto with most things in life?).
For example, if your girlfriend looks at your phone and gets mad because she sees you texting your ex-girlfriend, you can choose between these 2 outcomes:
- You both yell at each other for a long time, because she’s mad about you texting your ex, and you’re mad about her looking at your phone and accusing you of doing something wrong. Then you both start thinking (and yelling) about what this means about your relationship in the long run – she’s too jealous, you’re too much of a player. So you argue and argue until one of you sucks it up and takes the blame.
- You calmly (key word) explain the situation to your girlfriend (that you were texting your ex about homework, or whatever the truth is – be honest!), maybe even show her the texts so that she believes you, and then hopefully, voila! The non-fight will be over before it even turns into a fight! And no one wins or loses!
Which outcome would you choose? The latter? Yeah, I thought so…
Or, let’s say you have a long-distance girlfriend, and you haven’t called her in a few days. So she texts you something a bit passive aggressive, like “do you not love me anymore or something?” Again, there are two options:
- You respond with something equally passive aggressive, or just aggressive. E.g., “yes, clearly I don’t love you… that’s what not calling you for 1 frickin’ day means…” Then the angry texts continue back and forth, neither one of you bothering to actually pick up the phone to call the other one. Eventually it ends up as a texting scream-fest, until one of you finally decides to end it by taking the blame.
- You immediately (or as soon as you can – don’t run out of class or anything) pick up your phone and call her, and explain to her how you’ve been so busy this week (or whatever the truth is – again, honesty is key!), but you still love her and have been thinking about her the whole time.” She’ll be so happy you called, and be so excited about the nice things you said to her, she’ll forget about the whole thing! And the non-fight is over, with no winners or losers.
The second option wins again, right?
So clearly, with a little bit of focus and determination, and a lot of explaining and discussing, most competitive arguments can be avoided. Just think before you speak/text, and I have faith in you boys that you can do it!
Now, just for the girl/devil’s advocate’s sake, and for a little bit of humor…
If my suggestions to avoid competition above don’t work… It’s time to consult the Real Live College Girl Cassidy Brettler Family Rules…
In my immediate family, we have two rules:
- Mom is always right.
- When Mom is wrong, she’s still right.
You can apply the same rules to relationships. When it does turn into a competition, “Mom” (a.k.a. the girl) should win. Because, really, unless she’s actually crazy (see the first question in this article), she’s probably right…!
But in all seriousness, we girls should admit when we’re wrong… and so should you boys! Just without being so competitive about it…!
* Name has been changed
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