Snooping through your guy’s phone, you find exactly what you were looking for, but secretly prayed you’d never discover. It’s the “other woman” – her number 13 times in his call log, her texts decorated with winky faces, and even a picture of her up close and personal (way too personal). What do you do? What any other girl would do: start cursing at your boyfriend, while nailing him in the face with anything and everything that reminds you of him. Then, vow to wage World War IV against a certain “home-wrecker”…
Not so fast. Maybe the “other woman” is not the one to blame, or at least worth hearing out. What if the texts you stumbled upon weren’t just booty calls? What if they painted a picture of an actual girl? Someone you could relate to. Someone you envied. Someone you even felt bad for.
What if you read this conversation?
L: Go **** your gf
D: Wow that’s kind of harsh
L: No it’s the truth
D: But i don’t want to
L: That’s kind of odd don’t u think…
D: I wanna bang you
L: Not happening… Why’d you hook up with me for as long as you did?
D: Cause i liked you
L: Lies…you had a gf you idiot
D: So what i still liked you, you were a really cool girl
L: Hahaha well thanks I guess
D: It’s true, I’d say right now that i still like you, why you think i always text you at those random times
L: Because you’re drunk and wanted to hook up?
D: That’s not the reason i text you, i know you’d never hook up with me again, i accept that, but i always have a little space in my heart for you
L: You’re clearly drunkenly talking
The “other woman” isn’t evil, but someone who can be confused, hurt and angry. Her Campus has interviewed dozens of “other women” to figure out what prompted the girls to hook up with an otherwise taken guy. We’ve made sense of their honest, sometimes painful memories, and discovered six common reasons that motivate the “other woman.”
1. When I found out it was too late
For some women, they genuinely had no idea that the guy they were talking to was in a relationship. Not a clue. When they discovered the reality of the situation, they were just as devastated as the girlfriend and in some cases had even more to lose.
Christina, a 2011 Boston College graduate, recalls the moment when she discovered that her summer hookup was a childhood friend’s boyfriend. “It was the worst night of my life,” said Christina. One minute she was dancing in the balmy summer air at a keg party, and minutes later she was doused in beer encircled by a group of girls hailing insults: “Slut. Whore. Traitor.”
“Here I am and I had absolutely no idea. Everyone is mad at me…I lost my current boyfriend’s trust and I lost my friends’ respect. To top it all off, he wouldn’t admit to it.” Confronted with this harsh reality, Christina called the guy and demanded the truth: “So I just got kicked out of your ex-girlfriend’s house, because apparently you were cheating on her with me. I was humiliated in front of everyone. What do you have to say? Is it true? Where you together when we hooked up?”
Even if she wasn’t at fault, Christina ruined a relationship, a harsh reality for the 21-year-old to swallow. Not to mention, the wrecking snowball effect the discovery had on Christina’s personal life. It took months for Christina to repair her relationships and regain her current boyfriend’s trust – something she compared to being “framed for a crime.” “I was completely innocent, but suffered for what he did. People gossiped about me, threatened me and just ignored me.”
Christina admits that she feels like the victim. “She lost a bad guy, but at my expense” said Christina. “I’ll always feel guilty and there will always be people who will never believe me.”
Admitting the reality of being “the other woman” can be just as painful as realizing that you were cheated on. For some, it means ruined relationships, but for others it resulted in a ruined sense of self.
“I was disgusted with myself when I found out he had a boyfriend” said Kelly, a 2011 Boston College graduate. “How could I hook up with someone I knew so little about? Maybe the girlfriend would find out and be devastated, maybe they both would suffer, but the only thing I could think was I hurt myself.”
2. Ignorance is Bliss
Other young women confessed to a “what I don’t know can’t hurt me” philosophy. Or for that matter, hurt anyone else. Oftentimes, they had no idea that there was a girlfriend when the relationship began. For some this was a drunken make-out at a bar that led to a string of hook-ups or chemistry with a coworker that was too hard to deny.
As the relationship progressed, however, they sensed something was off. Why didn’t he ever talk about past relationships? Or after a year, why does he refuse to move beyond the “hook up” stage? Other signs were more obvious: a locked phone, a receipt for flowers (she didn’t receive) or never stepping foot in his apartment. When you sense something is wrong, it usually is.
“Proving he had a girlfriend wouldn’t accomplish anything,” said Casey, a 2011 Northeastern University graduate who found herself in the situation described above. “Everyone would end up hurt, but I would be the one alone. Maybe they could work through their problems, but I would amount to nothing more than a mistake, a bad memory, an ugly scar on their relationship.”
Casey would also have to admit that she was the “other woman” – a role that she never imagined herself fulfilling. For Casey, acknowledging reality meant admitting to many truths she simply was not ready to handle. She continued the relationship until it unraveled on its own.
“It became harder and harder to ignore everything,” said Casey. “As details fell into place, I numbed myself to the reality of the situation, but in doing so I shut off every emotion. It was over just like that. I don’t know what happened between them after, and I don’t ever want to.”
The Christinas, Kellys and Caseys of this world let us know that the “other woman” can also be the victim. This is sometimes, not all the time. Some women confessed, not only to knowingly hooking up with someone’s boyfriend, but to pursuing a guy just because he is in a relationship. The next three reasons may induce a cringe or the faintest smile. Either way, they add depth to an already difficult situation.
3. Thrill of the Chase
For some girls, cheating was an adrenaline rush. They never intended to hurt anyone, but they never considered the girlfriend either.
“Girls always compete, whether it’s over weight, school or sports. Guys are just another thing to vie for. When you score a guy who is in a relationship – you win,” said an anonymous 2011 American University graduate. “The girlfriend is kind of like a sports rival. I’m concerned with winning the guy, not her feelings if she loses him.”
“We were both in a relationship at the time. In a twisted way, we used this to rationalize our actions,” said Danielle, a senior at UMass Lowell. “We both loved who we were with at the time, but we were bored. We just wanted excitement and to mix things up, but nothing serious. We found this in each other.”
Danielle preferred a game of make-believe, as opposed to a sports game. In the end, it was all about excitement and although the emotion was fleeting, the repercussions would remain intact.
“It was almost like we were partners in crime. This sounds so weird, but sometimes I think of it like robbing a bank. We were doing something wrong and could get caught; there was such a thrill. We were in it together – all or nothing – we both ‘won’ out in the end, but we would forever be linked by this dirty grimy secret.”
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4. Sense of Validation
For others, cheating really had nothing to do with an actual relationship. It was more a reflection of “the other woman” and her desire to prove something to herself.
“It’s an extra ego boost” said Lauren, a 2011 Boston College graduate. “It’s the ultimate unavailable. For them to step outside of their relationship and hook up with me really shows something… like they can’t resist me or can’t wait to get their hands on me.”
Lauren may view each “boyfriend” as a trophy and nothing more. In her eyes, she has nothing to lose, but everything to gain. She did admit, however, that her attitude may make it hard for her to find happiness in a relationship: “a taken guy is the ultimate prize, but only when he’s not mine to take.”
“This sounds really awful, but it makes me feel good” said Alex a senior at Northeastern. “If a guy is willing to jeopardize a relationship for me, then I must be intriguing, hot, smart, mysterious…whatever. I know that if I was really that amazing then I would have my own boyfriend and not have to ‘borrow’ someone else’s to feel good about myself.”
“Honestly, it’s not my problem, if you can’t stop your boyfriend from cheating,” said Lindsay, a 2011 BC graduate. “I don’t think the question is what I’m doing wrong. What are you doing wrong?”
In every situation, the “other woman” is not grappling with the reality of a couple, but is forging a sense of validation. Cheating has nothing to do with the guy or his girlfriend; it has everything to do with the “other woman” sense of self. Whether she wants to feel good, better, wanted…it is all about her.
5. Revenge
For some the self-perspective is beyond compare; they took revenge for an earlier shattered sense of self.
“My best friend ended up dating my high school crush. I was devastated, but thought after three years I had gotten over it,” said Michaela, a 2011 Suffolk University graduate. “When they were working things out, he ended up coming to me for advice and then it just happened. I didn’t plan it, but I didn’t stop it either. I kept telling myself she deserves this.”
Lindsay, a 2011 BC gradute, was more deliberate in revenge: “She used to make fun of me when we were little. She was awful. I saw her boyfriend at a party over break and I just made it happen.”
6. Anyone is better than no one
Just when that image of the “home-wreckers” was coming into focus, these girls’ stories will dispel any notions that the “other woman” is always a deceitful slut or reckless whore.
“It was when I was younger and I had very little confidence or respect for myself. I knew he had a girlfriend, but he was the first guy who wanted to be with me – the nerdy girl who just didn’t fit it,” said an Alex, a 2011 Boston College graduate. “Being wanted was enough; I didn’t want anything more. He wouldn’t even acknowledge me in public and I ended up falling for him.”
“I knew it was wrong, but I was lonely.”
These words sting us all. Whether we were hurt by ourselves or others, cheating is not an easy issue to grapple with and never will be. The “other woman” isn’t just the stereotypical home wrecker, but an actual girl who may be very much like you. Maybe instead of attacking her, you can team up with her. She could be at fault, but don’t forget, your boyfriend is as well. It takes two to tango, right?
If you do happen to discover that your boyfriend may be fooling around with someone else, Ruth Houston, the author of Is He Cheating on You? 29 Telltale Signs, has provided some tips for what NOT to do:
1. Don’t kick him to the curb –quite yet.
Before you throw all of his laundry out of your apartment, just wait a second. At least give the guy time to share his side. Better yet, it will give you a sense of closure or understanding if you hear why he did it.
2. Don’t launch a ”tell all” about his infidelity.
You may need to tell someone, anyone just to get it off your chest. Be very careful, however, of who you decide to confide in. A couple of close girlfriends or a family member – a few close people who you can trust is okay. Don’t condemn your boyfriend publicly by telling your entire friend group, his best bud, or worse – his mom. Chances are you’re not the first to find out, so at the expense of being hurt more or even taken advantage of by a horny guy who knows who are “vulnerable,” discuss the issue with your boyfriend first and foremost.
3. Don’t ignore his affair or pretend like it’s not happening.
Ignorance is not always bliss – we’ve already stumbled upon that somewhat inconvenient truth. Going into denial will only make things worse. Either you will tear your hair out in grief or he’ll take it as a silent tip that you condone his sexual “experimentation.”
4. Don’t waste time or energy on the other woman.
Of course, unless, the two of you are going to tag team and seek some serious revenge. Otherwise, steer clear. One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It’s natural for you to be curious about her, but she’s not worth your time and energy. Your time and energy, and of course anger, belong with your boyfriend. Keep the issues between you and your boyfriend; there is no need to include a third party.
Bottom Line: It’s between the two of you. Not you and the “other woman.” It’s easy to misplace your anger on the woman involved, but it’s much harder to confront the situation’s painful realities. You may work things out with your boyfriend or cheating may be his death sentence; either way, you can’t figure these things out unless the two of you are sorting through the issue.
What do you think? Is the other woman to blame? Have you ever been the other woman?