Does lasting love exist? Absolutely. But not on reality TV.
Don’t get us wrong—we’re hopeless romantics here at HC. But the success rate for shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette—25 contestants vying for the attention of one man or woman and receiving a rose to carry them into the next round—is not too hot. We’re talking only four lasting couples out of 23 finale match-ups on the two shows combined. Call us crazy, but for all that talk about finding true love, it seems like more and more of the couples are finding themselves in the break-up tabloids.
“What we have is a Trojan horse, the packaging on the outside, is a mere canopy of counterfeit feelings. It’s all show with little, if any, substance,” says Dr. Ivan Young, who was one of the relationship experts The Associated Press contacted after Jake Pavelka (The Bachelor, season 14) and Vienna Girardi’s nasty break-up. “It’s the American fantasy that everyone wants to be in love.”
Emily Maynard, our most recent Bachelorette and single mom from Charlotte, North Carolina (anyone else find it hard to read that without hearing her accent?) is no stranger to this fantasy. She was engaged to Brad Womack during his second season of The Bachelor, only to have her hopes of true love transformed into a public, heartbreaking split. And while she and her new fiancé Jef make a heart-warming pair, the question remains: why did she return to the very show that put her in tears?
“Shows like this have very little to do with someone finding real and authentic love,” Dr. Young says. “They’re a stepping stone for a hidden agenda. Most participants are far more interested in breaking a brand name into Hollywood by being a reality star.”
Unfortunately, this season of The Bachelorette has taught us that Emily is no actress (see ‘Romeo and Juliet’ group date or any time the producers try to feed her informational lines about the surrounding culture and customs). Not to mention the fact that there’s little room for ulterior motives because of the pressure of this season’s very public finale—the out-of-place cheers of a live studio audience in the background intermingled with Jef and Emily’s intimate proposal. And then, seeing Jef, Emily, and Ricki practically skip off the set together made us realize just how much Jef is going to have to stick to his guns—because America is watching to make sure he doesn’t break two hearts at once.
But if we extract cynicism from the picture and assume that Emily, Jef, and the rest of the guys were there “for the right reasons,” where has ABC Fam gone wrong in creating the perfect love story?
1. Taking the “reality” out of reality TV.
Fiji, Bermuda, Curacao – what do these places all have in common? Paradise. And at one point or another, some Bachelorette has taken her gaggle of men to these exotic locations to fall in love—and quite frankly, you’d have to be an unfeeling, soulless rock not to get a serious case of goo-goo eyes after being whisked away to your very own private island. But the problem is that these places don’t help you to determine who will be the best partner in marriage. According to Dr. Young, they create a manufactured, romanticized environment that takes away from finding real love—or real anything—on the show. “Any time the environment supersedes the people in it, there’s very little chance of reality taking root,” he says.
So what happens once the show is over and all the glitz and glam is taken away? Nineteen failures out of 23 attempts at love—that’s what happens.
Emily got it right during her one-on-one date with Ryan—baking cookies at home for daughter Ricki and her friends—and then again during the group date where she had the guys play with the small kids and speak with her best girlfriends. The problem with the show in general is that there are hardly ever any “real-life” situations—deciding who will do which chores tonight, spending time with a child, etc. Given the time constraints, it seems that real dates like this, which test the guys’ “grace under pressure” would be much more effective in determining husband material than putting them in perfect situations where everyone is bound to display his or her best on-camera behavior.
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2. “This is my boyfriend! And my other boyfriend! You know what, just bring out Numbers 3-25!”
Typically someone who is ready to get married isn’t dating multiple guys at once. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s called “single and loving it.” And anyone watching the cocktail party before the rose ceremony knows that if a Bachelorette’s attention is divided between multiple guys, it’s questionable that she’s going to be making that many deep connections. After all, her suitors are constantly interrupting her one-on-one conversations, stepping in to say, “Can I steal you away?” This divided attention leads to somewhat shallow, cookie-cutter conversation, as proven by the fact that I have yet to hear someone on the show say something that isn’t completely generic like, “Family is really important to me,” or “I’m here for the right reasons,” or “I’m ready to be a father.” Yeah, you and numbers 2-25, buddy.
Dating more than one person doesn’t just interrupt the foundation building of a great relationship; it also creates a power dynamic—the Bachelorette is free to date multiple men while the suitors will get kicked off for consorting with other women. This leaves the suitors at the mercy of the Bachelorette. That isn’t exactly the best foundation for an “I Do.” I mean, has no one on this show heard of a marriage of equals? Talk about being placed on a pedestal—which leads us to…
3. This Season on The Trophy
As I was watching Emily’s second one-on-one with painfully attractive Ryan (whose response to Emily getting fat in the future personally won me over—“I would still love you, I just might not love on you as much”), he uttered the magic words that put the entire show into question: “I don’t know how you don’t expect to be seen as a trophy,” he laughed.
Emily was ticked off, but he was absolutely right. With six guys left catapulting gigantic logs in the air, stealing her away to say they were “starting to fall in love with her” (note: not “falling in love,” not “in love,” “starting to fall in love”), and doing everything short of jumping up and down and yelling, “Pick me! Pick me!” Emily was somehow expecting them to not see her as a prize. But 25 guys + 1 gal equals a competition, which makes it really hard to separate real desire from the desire to win.
“The competition factor pretty much negates any authenticity,” Dr. Young confirms. “Beating the other person outweighs this person finding real love.”
Sorry, Em, but maybe you should’ve thought about the setup of the show before getting mad at Ryan for saying what more than just a few guys in the house were thinking.
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4. Fall in Love for the Camera
Who can forget Justin from Ali Fedotowsky’s season, the broken-legged wrestler who got all the way up to the final five before his dirty laundry aired? He had a girlfriend the entire time to whom he’d been sending messages, promising her that once he got to the final three, he’d be out. It was all for the sake of pubbing his career. This especially came as a surprise because he hobbled his way on crutches all the way from the suitors’ house to find Ali and get some one-on-one time with her, a gesture that clearly convinced Ali of the lengths Justin would go to win her love. (Was his leg even injured or was that part of the act, too? Serious question.)
Whether it’s the constant camera time or the fans creating fake “Ashley and JP broke up!” websites after the show, there is far too much public pressure associated with the program. It creates a heightened need for what often ends up being a forced performance, to fall in love for the camera, whether that comes in the form of playing up a fake personality (we’re looking at you, Bentley), playing up the PDA (#lovelettersfromJef) to show the girl and the nation how much you’ve really fallen in love, or bringing along a ridiculous “remember-me” gimmick.
According to Dr. Young, it’s all about “exploiting people with exhibitionist tendencies.”
“Exhibitionist tendencies” is right. After watching even just a few seasons of The Bachelorette, it doesn’t take long to realize some of these guys are pulling out all the (unnecessary) stops. Let’s be real here; when was the last time you went on a date where a guy made you sing a goodnight lullaby to his giant egg? Or stared deep into the cutout eyes of “The Mask” from Ashley’s season? (C’mon, man, you weren’t revealing your “real self,” we all knew it was just your face under there.)
“What you’re not seeing is the two or three camera men… the producer and a sound guy who’s walking up and interrupting them and saying, ‘Can you say that again?’” Dr. Young adds. “How can that be an authentic date?
It can’t be. There are already enough interruptions and distractions on the show as it is—like, I don’t know, the 25 other guys, maybe?—that having a camera and producers milling around makes it impossible to have an intimate date, let alone allows you to really get to know your potential partner.
5. Ready, Set, Woo!
“How could it possibly move any faster?” a hurt, indignant Chris told Emily after he got the boot in episode eight. “I told you I loved you.”
Got to say, we really felt for Chris. But the entire show is like a Nascar race (no trophy theme intended). Get this: even though we get 12-weeks-worth of episodes, the courtship only really lasts for 10. “The Men Tell All” episode, which airs before the season finale, is filmed after the lucky guy has been chosen, just like “After the Final Rose.” That would mean a little over 2 months to get to know someone, fall in love, meet the families once, and be sure you want to marry them, all while simultaneously dating other guys. It’s incredibly fast-paced. Not to mention that red rose looming at the edge of the table during one-on-ones or—even worse—two-on-ones, which they might as well replace with a sign that says, “Quick, say something in the next 10 minutes that will make me want to marry you.”
It’s enough to start seeing a flashing red sign that reads, “Train Wreck.”
While these factors make finding true love about as slim as all 25 guys getting the first impression rose, we’ve said before that we’re hopeless romantics. So here’s to hoping the show proves us wrong, that Emily and Jef find a love that lasts, that Ricki finally gets the father she deserves, and, most of all, that the second time around will be the charm.