Her Campus Logo Her Campus Logo
Wellness > Sex + Relationships

How to Start Deep Conversations When You Want to Get Closer with Your Partner

Usually, after a few great dates with someone, you start to develop a really good feeling about this person you’re seeing. You’re compatible in the simplest but sweetest of ways: you love the same movies, you enjoy the same restaurants in town, you’re fascinated by each other’s hobbies.

You may be reaching the point where you’re ready to go deeper, to really get to know this person beyond just what you see on the surface. Starting deeper conversations can be intimidating though, especially if you’ve kept your convos playful and flirty. It’s a level you’re both scared and excited to reach, but I’m here to help guide you on how to ~get deep~, which might be easier to achieve than you think.

Figure out what a deep conversation look like for you.  

photo 1525222285365 d6bfe94ec598?ixlib=rb 1.2

What constitutes a “deep” conversation can vary depending on who’s having the conversation and what the topic is. There are moments centered on random, intellectually deep questions, like do “you think there’s intelligent life outside of Earth?”. Then there are more personal questions, like “what do you think of marriage?”. While intellectually deep conversations may be easier to have with the person you’re dating, personal questions can have a greater effect on them.

Alexandria Galli, a senior at York University, says, “My definition of a deep convo would be something of a serious nature that will affect the relationship no matter the size of the topic itself.”

So, be sure you understand whether a question you’re asking is not only more personal, but will most likely change your relationship’s dynamic. When you ask a deep question like this, it requires you to be more sensitive, both for you and your partner.  

Know the right place and time.

This should be a given, but deep conversations can’t necessarily happen anywhere, or at any time. It’s best to be in a setting you’re comfortable in, whether at a coffee shop or even at home. Victoria Phandara, a senior at the University of West Georgia, says, “I try to ease in our deeper conversations during our ‘pillow talk’ time, which is just before our bedtime. I don’t want to flat out ask him about something if it’s serious, because it’ll definitely change the mood.”

Be sure that however you have a deep conversation, you are both on the same page and comfortable. Now, with texting being the most accessible option to chat, sometimes having a deep conversation over text can lead to unnecessary misunderstandings.

Alexandria agrees and says, “My biggest ‘DO NOT’ is never, ever text the person saying you need to talk about something serious, because that is just instant panic and stress being initiated. If you’re going to send a text don’t be discreet, be blunt and say what the conversation is at least regarding in order to prepare the person via text so they’re not freaking out on the other end of it,” she explains. “My best advice is to do it when there can be some privacy or after a day of hanging out together. It’s better to have the convo in person than waiting for the three dots to appear.”

Understand which topics should and shouldn’t be talked about.

Boundaries are so important to consider when you want to open up about deeper topics. Once you ease into a topic, watch your date’s body language. For example, if after you ask a touchy question, they seem generally relaxed, that’s your green light to continue. But if they lean back, divert their eyes from yours, or cross their arms, then those are signs of closing off, nervousness or discontent.

Then there are topics that you should just generally avoid, if necessary. If they mention a traumatic or emotionally challenging event, don’t push them to talk about it if they don’t want to. Maybe they aren’t ready to bare it all right now, but when they are, they will let you know. 

Related: 9 Ways to Show Someone You Love Them Without Saying It

Acknowledge your vulnerability.

Having deeper conversations requires letting your guard down and sharing your most personal thoughts and beliefs. That isn’t always an easy thing to do – and even if you’re comfortable with vulnerability, your date could be inclined to keep it light.

Theresa Personna, a senior at The State University of New York at Oswego, says, “I only really talk about personal things with people I have established a significant relationship with. I’m giving a part of me away to someone and I need to trust them with my vulnerability. So I would say as a safety net, [we have to be] a couple months in before a [deep] conversation has to happen. But honestly, it just depends on the connection.”

Keep in mind that going to the next level emotionally may take letting them know you’re a safe space they can talk to. If you want to tackle a tough topic with your date, ensure that you’re handling the conversation with the utmost sensitivity and understanding!

Related: 16 Signs You’re Dating the Person You’re Meant to Be With

Respect their style of communication.

photo 1511376979163 f804dff7ad7b?ixlib=rb 1.2

Every person is different. If they are more the straightforward type, then you could get away with asking a heavy question directly and expecting a truthful response. But if they are more reserved, then let them know you care for them and that you won’t judge them.

On the other hand, if they’re open but not too open, then you need to take that into account and avoid being too upfront and pushy. Try to understand the areas of conversation the other person seems most receptive to, and adjust your questions to fit their comfort level. If they light up when talking about their favorite musical artist, then press on little by little about what they like about that artist and what their music means to them.

If you have a shy date, then open up yourself first to make them more comfortable. Whenever you notice a hint of excitement, take that and run with it. Once they see you communicating very openly, then they will start doing the same.

Be prepared to hear things you may not agree with.

Once you’re having more complex conversations with your date, you’ll really get to know who they are. Their beliefs, faith, intelligence, and worldviews can all help you understand your date in a whole new way. Of course, with deeper conversations also comes the chance for you to find something you may not like about your date. You and your date may get super impassioned. Arguments could even arise in the worst of cases. But to avoid things going sour, always try to listen with an open heart.

Leslie Cruz, a senior at St. Catherine University, says that “touchy conversations can sometimes cause arguments.” She continues to explain: “It’s important to voice how we feel, but it’s also important to try to understand our partner’s point of view. We really need to be in touch with our emotions and understand what is causing them, that way we can explain how we feel and why we feel that way. The communication between my boyfriend and me continues to improve all the time. We are still a work in progress.”

These tips may seem intimidating at first, but they’e a great way to ease into making a more meaningful connection. Every couple has a different dynamic between them that evolves as they get closer to one another. But I hope you can go into any conversation with an easy mind as you get to know your date even better than you do now. 

Iesha Ismail studied as a double major in English and Women's Studies at the University of Florida. Iesha is the High School/Her Future editor, a Feature Writer, and Style Blogger for Her Campus National. She was also the senior editor for Her Campus UFL and senior content editor for UF's Sparks Magazine. She is currently working in editorial for a financial research publication firm, and a guest contributor for Muslim Women Professionals. Iesha loves to observe nature and fashion as inspiration for all kinds writing she's into. Fashion, culture, drawing, and animation are just a few of the passions she plays with on the daily. Whether it's writing colorful stories or sketching in her worn out sketchbooks, Iesha always dabbles in anything art.