We need to talk.
Did this last semester stress you out? Did the onslaught of final exams, papers, projects, and presentations give you homicidal feelings that led you to seriously consider bombing an academic building or two? Has your body still not recovered from the obscene amounts of caffeine and Adderall that somehow found their way into your bloodstream during finals week?
Well no matter, sugar baby–summer is officially upon us! And regardless of what your final GPA was or whether there’s a half-finished pipe-bomb in the trashcan of your dorm room, you’re now free to sit back, relax, and enjoy all the wonders of the season.
And what wonders they are–the long summer days spent lounging by the pool getting bikini-shaped tan lines, the return of Kat Deeley and a fresh batch of So You Think You Can Dance hopefuls, an endless string of summer blockbusters jam-packed with action and a number of predictable plot devices.
Of course, summer does bring one other bit of enjoyment, a little piece of heaven to reward those who managed to resist temptation all year long and finish out the semester without allowing a man to tie them down: the summer fling.
Indeed, in the great tradition of Olivia Newton John and a pre-Scientology John Travolta, summer flings have long provided young men and women with a shot at romance and hot summer fun–and all with the commitment-phobic perk of an August expiration date.
But be careful. While a summer fling can bring you more meaningless fun than an afternoon spent watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, there’s always a little bit of risk involved in matters of the heart and of the bedroom. So when you do pick out your very own Danny Zuko for the months of June and July, make sure you take certain things into account so that your summer fling doesn’t end up a summer fluke.
That’s not what friends are for
While I myself would much rather get a job scraping fecal matter off the monkey exhibit at the national zoo, there are a number of perks to spending a summer back in your hometown. There’s that sense of comfort that comes with being in such a familiar, boring place; that feeling of nostalgia when you pass by a group of former classmates who never left town after high school and probably never will; that intense chill that runs down your spine each time you pass that ugly, brick building that ate away at your soul every day until you eventually became numb to the world around you…
You honestly have no idea how happy I am that I’m spending my summer in New York.
All bitter resentment aside, a summer back in your hometown can give you the opportunity to see all the people you’ve missed since you got to college and reconnect with old friends you’ve lost track of.
But in the midst of all the reconnecting, make sure that you and one of your old friends don’t make any new connections. You know, the kind of connections that occur below the waist. While in a reclining position. Nude.
I’m talking about sex.
Yes, while a summer fling is one of the best — and most legal — ways to deal with three months back in your hometown, an old friend from high school is not a great choice of fling partner. There’s history between you. An existing bond. Maybe even a witty rapport. And that kind of foundation doesn’t make for a meaningless fling–it makes for a meaningful relationship. And frankly, meaningful relationships are against the carefree spirit of the summer season.
Don’t be lazy. Look outside of your group of friends if you’re hoping to find a summer man. That is, unless you and your senior-year f**k-buddy are looking to continue your arrangement.
That’s really just too convenient to pass up.
If the foreground looks alright, check out the background
So you’ve come across a man or two that seems like he could fit the bill–muscular, handsome, of an ambiguous racial background so that he seems exotic.
Well don’t mount the stallion and gallop off into the sunset just yet. In order to reap the full benefits of a summer fling, you need to make certain that there aren’t any unknown bits of info that may come back to bite you in the ass. After all, why do you think Sandy had to endure a school year full of taunts from greaser-chicks that ultimately led her to change her entire identity?
Because little Miss Sandra Dee didn’t do her research, that’s why.
If you’re looking for a commitment-free romance, you’ve got to make sure you find out if there’s anything that could potentially tangle up this little entanglement.
For example: Where does he go to school? Is it near where you go to school? If he gets too attached, how long of a bus ride will he have to take to stalk you at school? Is he even old enough to go to school? Is he just a very tall high-schooler? What are the statutory rape laws in your state anyway?
You better thank your lucky stars that we live in an era of readily available online profiles. That sort of thing could have saved one innocent little Australian girl a whole lot of trouble.
Don’t try to make it into something it’s not
Let’s say you’ve finally found him — your Mr. Right (now) to tide you over until the fall semester begins. He’s good-looking, he’s charming, he’s free of unexplained sores and troublesome discharge. In fact he’s kind of perfect — all of the dreamy qualities of a Disney prince with just enough Jersey Shore bad boy in him to spice things up in the bedroom.
And it isn’t long before you begin to doubt yourself. Maybe I was wrong to treat this relationship like an evanescent phenomenon, you think. Maybe this what true love feels like! Maybe the gods have smiled down upon this union and blessed us common mortals with a chance at eternal happiness!
First off, slow your roll–I can’t deal with you when you start talking Shakespeare and shit.
Second of all, don’t forget what this was designed to be from the start: convenient booty and companionship until it’s time to dive back into the dating pool of your university. This was never meant to last more than a couple of months. And if you try to force it, you’ll be making one of the biggest relationship mistakes a person can make during the summer: starting a long-distance relationship in the middle of college.
Yes, it’s one thing if you’re just getting through a few summer months away from the guy you started dating at school, but you can’t start a long-distance relationship with someone you’ve known for only a couple of months. Not only is that not nearly enough of a foundation for a successful long-distance relationship, but you would be setting yourself up for an unbearable amount of action-less time during the coming semesters.
Never forget, the summer is a time for relaxation, innocent thrills, and noncommittal fun. Don’t go screwing that up with your feelings.