We need to talk.
In the animal kingdom, conflict often arises for seemingly no reason at all. A wolf in the wild may feel the need to assert dominance over another wolf just because it can. It’ll stare down its opponent as an act of intimidation. It may snarl and growl to try to scare the other into submission. If the wolf wants to be a little less direct in its hostility, it may simply pee on some trees to mark its territory.
I thank all of the powers of the universe that we’re not in the wild. If we were, I think you might have peed all over the place by now.
It’s often the case that you are a little quick to turn against girls that you barely know. You bare your claws and flash your teeth for the most minor of offenses and pick out new enemies as easily as you pick out which bra you feel like wearing that day. Except, where you may take a bra out and wear it for support, you might just take a bitch down and wear her carcass as a warning for anyone who’d dare to cross you.
You need to stop — and not just because the looming threat of a catfight has all the straight men around me drooling like toddlers. The girls that you turn against often aren’t the least bit at fault, and too much senseless hate is being spread throughout the female habitat.
Let’s take a look at why your animal instincts might be pointing you in the wrong direction.
Battling for Limited Resources
The Girl: The annoying new girl your friends are hanging out with
Why you think you hate her: Because she’s clingy and desperate for attention. She’s around your friends all the time, and they always seem to be hanging out when it’s inconvenient for you. When you can make it for some chill time, you feel like she steals the conversation from you and makes your friends laugh with idiotic stories that you swear are stolen from old episodes of Room Raiders.
At first you thought your friends were just humoring the poor girl so she didn’t feel as useless as she is, but much like the American public with Ke$ha, your friends have actually embraced her with open arms.
Why you actually hate her: Because she’s drawing attention away from you. Just like the rest of us insecure young adults less than a few years out of high school, you get validation from the affection and attention of your friends. And when a girl comes in that takes some of that affection and attention for herself, that means that you get a little bit less. And if Lindsay Lohan’s personal choices have shown us anything, it’s that a girl can think and do some crazy things when she’s not getting the affection and attention she’d like.
Guarding Your Territory
The Girl: Your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend
Why you think you hate her: Because she’s a bitch. You’ve never actually talked to her, but you can tell from the way she looks at you that she thinks your boyfriend traded down. Then there’s her smug smile, that smirk that screams, “You better believe I got to his junk before you did. And you know it liked me a whole lot more than it likes you.”
You can’t help but flash back to the message all those MTV public service announcements: When you have sex with your partner, you sleep with everyone he’s slept with. You wonder if “ugly bitch” is a sexually transmitted disease.
What you’re actually feeling: Insecurity. Her presence is a consistent reminder that your boyfriend has found (and still might find) girls other than you attractive, and that means that he may one day follow his own animal instincts to a hot piece of tail that crosses his path.
That’s not to say she isn’t a bitch. After all, there is a reason she’s his ex-girlfriend.
Asserting Dominance
The Girl: That skank in the corner of the party who’s wearing the same outfit as you.
Why you think you hate her: Because she’s trying to show you up. You walked into the room feeling like Britney Spears circa 2001, but after seeing the same fabric hugging her curves like it never wants to let go, you can’t help but feel like Smurfette standing next to a tall, toned Na’avi huntress. Maybe a black eye will knock that girl a little closer to your level.
Who you’re really mad at: Yourself. You know that she didn’t purposefully wear the same outfit as you in a deliberate attempt at sabotage — your life isn’t that interesting. And you knew that if you consistently shopped at Forever 21, someone was bound to find the same adorable dress that was a steal at 12 dollars. You just wish that that someone didn’t draw attention to all of your flaws by having an ass that would make Flo Rida weep with joy.
Searching for a Mate
The Girl: That really, really hot guy’s less attractive girlfriend
Why you think you hate her: Because she’s not worthy. There’s a hot piece of man walking around that makes every girl’s mouth water like a pack of Pavlov’s dogs, and he gets snatched up by a girl who looks like Teri Hatcher on a hi-def television? This girl needs to learn that she can’t date above her station, and you’re thinking it’s high time you get her court-martialed for breaking ranks.
Why you actually hate her: Because you want to be her. When you watched Drew Barrymore in Ever After, you comforted yourself by saying that no real man would ever choose the commoner. But this little cinder girl has wiped a little dirt off her face and wound up with a Prince Charming, and you can’t help but wonder if it’s your fault that the same hasn’t happened for you.
Of course, that thought’s a little too troubling to let cross your mind. Better ease your anxiety by spreading rumors that her father pays the guy off to be her boyfriend. Perfectly fine for an ugly step-sister like yourself.
Protecting Against Possible Threats
The Girl: That one in class who is always so composed and perfect.
Why you think you hate her: Because she hates you. You can tell. It’s the way she always carries herself, the way she always holds her chin a little bit higher than normal so that she is always kind of looking down at you when she talks to you. Sure she’s “nice enough” to tell you the homework assignments when you miss class and let you copy her notes if the teacher changes to the next slide too quickly, but you know she’s faking it. Her helpfulness is about as authentic as Jessica Simpson’s good Christian girl act back when she was shacking up with Nick Lachey before Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica.
What’s really going on: I know it’s hard to believe, but she may actually be, dare I say, a decent person. It’s possible that her mom put her in the pageant circuit and attached a wooden board to her back to improve her posture, but that doesn’t make her a bitch. If anything, it makes her the kind of screwed up, emotionally scarred person that’s really fun to get drunk with.
In the end, I’m not asking you to stop hating; hate is a natural emotion that we should express in healthy amount. For example, I hate talk-singing. Enrique Iglesias’ new song eats at my soul, and Ke$ha in general makes me want to punch a baby.
But while you may think your animal instincts are urging you to attack another, it may really be coming from a very human desire to protect your own feelings. And all that does is prevent you from dealing with those feelings to solve the problems they might be causing you.
In general, you need to be more frugal in your spread of hatred. If women continue to turn against each for no reason at all, then the fragile ecosystem of the female world will be thrown off, and the talk-singers of the world win. United we stand, and divided we fall, and a gender divided will be unable to combat Ke$ha and Enrique’s evil plots to dominate the airwaves with shitty, shitty music.
Direct your hate where it counts. Save the music.