Dear Her,
We need to talk.
You, Miss, have got some serious balls. In fact, I think you have more balls than you can handle.
After you and your boyfriend broke up, you told me that you didn’t want to be tied down to just one pair for a while. So what did you do? You grabbed a hold of every decent pair of fleshy orbs that seemed the least bit interested. And that ain’t right. (It really should be less of a grab and more of a gentle caress. They’re sensitive.)
But also, you’re going about it all wrong. Sure, an intelligent woman such as yourself can juggle as many balls as she wants, but you have to learn the technique first, or else all your balls are going to come crashing down.
And if the grabbing hurt, the crashing will definitely be unpleasant.
Make sure you’re following these key rules before your juggling act becomes a spectacle for all the wrong reasons:
1. Don’t juggle with fragile balls.
I know we like to mythologize that men don’t have feelings, that every man’s ideal woman is a sex fiend who walks around naked and comes with a cupholders attached, but (fortunately) that just isn’t true—at least not for all men. Indeed there are a number men who are actually looking for a woman to fall in love with, who value a woman’s mind as well as her body.
These men are called “pussies” (or romantics, if you want to be PC about it). These men also are not the best balls for juggling.
A romantic clings strongly to the hope that there is one woman out there for every man. So when he encounters a woman who wants to try a few at a time, a romantic might just curl up into a ball and sob until you calm him down by playing the Disney Princesses soundtrack on loop. Wonderful husband material, great for sadistic mind-games, terrible for juggling.
2. Don’t let your balls touch.
Your parents might have accepted that you’re sexually active, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t weep over your baby pictures and scream to Jesus if they ever saw you dry-humping a man on the sofa.
In a very similar way, your harem of hookup buds might accept the concept of sharing you with other men, but that is a tad different than the reality of seeing one dangling from your lips. It’s that same primal urge and double standard that makes a man want to spread his seed as far as possible while making sure that the only seed in your soil is his.
So unless your looking to start a bar brawl better suited for an episode of The Real World, keep the boys apart. That is, unless you have the opportunity for twins. That’s really just too good to pass up.
3. Keep your balls out of harm’s way.
Unless you’re one of those amoral temptresses I read about in the Bible, you would never purposefully lead a man down a path that would only bring him pain. Just as no good came when Eve dangled the forbidden fruit in front of Adam with the promise of deliciousness, no good will come if you dangle your delicious fruit in front of a man with any promises at all.
Promises imply the possibility of a future, and if you’re not looking for anything serious, you shouldn’t be making those promises in the first place. Because even a man that isn’t a pus—romantic might find himself falling into the vast, gaping hole known as love.
You didn’t think I was going to say “love” there, did you?
4. Don’t keep the same balls up in the air for too long.
Even a pro juggler can’t keep it going forever. Eventually there’s a sneeze, fart, or leg cramp, and the delicate balance of it all is upset.
So before you feel a charley horse coming on, take a little breather, maybe even switch out a guy or two. Because cycling through the same few guys for more than a couple months isn’t really juggling anymore. It’s polygamy.
5. Wear a helmet.
As a last bit of advice to help you along in your quest for consistent and diverse ass, here’s allI have to say: Watch out. Because even for a talented juggler, there are things that can’t be predicted. A guy gets jealous, a hookup goes awry, and then you find that chainsaw you were playfully tossing around is hurtling towards your head while the clowns watch on in horror.
Not really sure what the clowns are in this analogy, so that’s probably my cue to leave before you start to question everything I’ve said so far. But even if you disregard most of what I’ve told you, always put your faith in these three words: Balls are sensitive. Don’t play too rough, k?
Your GBF,
Scott