Dear Cathy,
We need to talk.
We both know that you are a girl who sometimes doesn’t know when to stop talking — at times, you can be quite chatty, Cathy. And Cathy, while you may be chatty, don’t think for a second that I’d ever want you to feel the need to keep quiet and try to be something you’re not. You’re chatty. And you’re Cathy. Own it.
At the same time, you need to be a little more aware of the cute little comments coming out of your mouth. For example, it can be cute to playfully tease a guy’s fixation on his hair, but make sure you stop yourself before you suggest a career in hair styling. Most men aren’t pleased by the implication.
I obviously mean the implication that they won’t succeed in their planned career field.
So to help you better choose your words in the midst of all your chattiness, Cathy, I’ve listed a few choice statements that you should make a choice to omit. Don’t question it too much. It’s for the good of humanity.
1. “Your hair looks thinner.” – A man’s hair is like a woman’s boobs. If there isn’t that much, we’ve probably noticed by now, and we don’t like to be reminded.
2. “It looks a little small.” A man’s member is like a woman’s boobs.
3. “Wait. I think I haven’t changed my tampon since last night.” Personally, I find these little tidbits hilarious, but I’m told that straight men haven’t the stomach for these things. They like to pretend that your little kitten is a one-way street.
4. “I think my ex started seeing someone else.” This is only an issue if you say it to your current boyfriend. It shows that you might think a little too much about the girls your ex-boyfriend might be seeing, and also one girl that he definitely isn’t seeing.
5. “It doesn’t count if he’s gay.” Sometimes it does. Gay men are dirty little bitches.
Your GBF,
Scott