Dear Her,
We need to talk.
A new year is upon us, and with it we must eschew all of the mistakes of past and focus on improving ourselves for the future.
That’s right, I said eschew. I took the GRE recently.
As I have already made a number of resolutions (including one to find a use for the 1000 new vocabulary words I learned for the sake of a four-hour test) I’ve listed some suggestions for how you can ameliorate your person in the coming year and assuage any of the conundrums that you faced in 2010. You know, in case you found the task of coming up with your own a bit too onerous.
1. Become more organized
By which I mean less sloppy. A real lady saves regurgitation for the lavatory.
2. Lose Seven Pounds
…and several other Will Smith movies from your DVD collection. He’s gone downhill, and we all know who’s really got the talent in that family.
3. Take time to enjoy the little things
After a while, the big things just make you sore.
4. Save money
…from being wasted on sad purchases, like Nicki Minaj’s new album.
5. Be more charitable
Give back to those in need. For example, that iPod you borrowed? I need it back.
6. Be more independent
I can help you with this one if you’d like.
7. Be more honest.
And honesty means no secrets. Like last week, when you wouldn’t tell me why Jen threatened to bludgeon you with her pet rock. And is it true that Jon and Angela had sex on his ex girlfriend’s bed?
I crave gossip.
8. Try harder in class
…to stay awake for the entirety of lecture. Or at least strategically position your head so the professor can’t see.
9. Stop giving in so easily to peer pressure
Unless everyone is telling you the same thing. In that case, you should probably listen.
10. Read more
Like the ingredients label on the Mountain Dew you drink. You may be surprised to find out where that yellow color comes from.
11. Stop taking the important things in your life for granted
I’ll be expecting a small gift, or a card at the very least.
Wishing you a pulchritudinous new year.
Your GBF,
Scott